The Forbidden ANBU Files
by Quatermass
Summary: Welcome to the Forbidden ANBU Files, a compilation of abandoned and archived fics from the Naruto-verse, along with sample chapters from fics yet to come, with crossovers and pure fics all in the mix. Enjoy...
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

Having had some small success with _The Cauldron_ , a collection of Harry Potter crossovers in either initial chapters, or else stories I've abandoned, and a second such repository for my Nasuverse stories in _Zelretch's Collection of Alternates_ , I thought it was past time that, like sakurademonalchemist who inspired my archives and sample chapters collections, I do one for _Naruto_.

These stories are basically a variety of both pure and crossover stories, but like sakurademonalchemist, I have published this in the pure _Naruto_ section. It will also become a repository of stories I have had to abandon and archive.

One thing I must emphasise here is that I will not be putting any of these stories up for adoption. I am saying this right here, right now, so that I don't get any reviews or PMs asking for that. Part of this is that, archived abandoned fics aside, I have first refusal on turning these into full stories. Please do not ask to adopt these, as refusal will offend. I will get annoyed if people do not read this notice, or else ignore it. I will reiterate it for emphasis: **NONE OF THESE STORIES ARE UP FOR ADOPTION. DO NOT ASK ME. IF I BITE YOUR HEAD OFF FOR ASKING, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT**.

Also, if you want to review a particular story, please point this out in your review. In other words, name the story. This goes especial if you want to see a non-abandoned story get published: I want to know which ones tickle your fancy.

Now that that's out of the way, time for my disclaimers. Firstly, because the ratings of these sample chapters are variable, this one is rated M to be safe. Sexual references, violence, and crude language abound, along with possible disturbing themes.

Secondly, there will be annotations, as is usual for my works. Do not gripe to me about them.

Thirdly, there may be spoilers for various franchises, and certainly for _Naruto_. You have been warned.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. _Naruto_ and the various franchises crossed over are the properties of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, Kakashi will use the Thousand Years of Death on you...


	2. Tempus Edax Rerum Chapter 1

**My first entry into this archive is an idea I thought of while considering a Naruto reincarnation fic, after discussing things with mellra. Although one idea was to have a character from _A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones_ reincarnate, I actually thought of another idea.  
**

 **I think that, for all its faults, _Final Fantasy VIII_ is one of the most underrated entries in the series, and I have a lot of interest in the villain, Ultimecia, as readers of my stories may know. So, I had this weird notion: what if a female Naruto was a reincarnated Ultimecia?**

 **Admittedly, she is very OP in this story, but this story was also influenced by the bashing fics of Snafu the Great and VFSNAKE. Plus, I wanted to do something not unlike my Harry Potter stories _Just a Touch of Kleptomania_ and _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_. So, for better or for worse, here it is.**

 **Incidentally, while I will be bashing Sasuke, the Third Hokage and Jiraiya if I do make this into a full story, I won't be bashing other frequent bashing targets, Kakashi and Sakura.**

 **Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

 _ **TEMPUS EDAX RERUM**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **A WITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE (TAILS)**

Look underneath the underneath. A truism of shinobi culture. And yet, the people of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, aka Konoha, never really bothered to do so, for the most part, where a certain resident was involved. One Naruko Uzumaki.

Many in Konoha despised her, given that they knew she was a _jinchuriki_ , a term literally meaning 'the power of human sacrifice', but perhaps better translated to 'human container'. She was the container for a powerful entity, the most powerful of the _Bijuu_ or Tailed Beasts called the _Kyuubi no Youko_ , or the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox. The Fourth Hokage gave his life sealing the _Kyuubi_ into Naruko, with his last words being that the villagers treat her like a hero for holding the beast at bay.

Instead, at best, many treated her as a pariah, a leper. Minato Namikaze may have been an intelligent and compassionate man, but he was too much of an optimist in a dark and sordid world.

Not that being badly treated is unique to Naruko. With the exception of the _jinchuriki_ present in Kumo and Taki, most were treated poorly in general, thought of as living weapons. The Tailed Beasts they contained were seen as just that: beasts, not intelligent beings, albeit destructive ones. And the people who contained them were seen as little more than human proxies of the beasts.

Naruko had escaped from more lynch mobs than any child should have to. She was viewed with contempt and hatred. Only a few showed her kindness, or even acknowledged her existence. Only a few could be said to be her friends, or even any kind of family. And by that, genuine family. There were a few who showed her kindness, but it was of the sort that was calculated, designed to give her an attachment to people who truly didn't view her as human.

However, even leaving her status aside, there was her appearance to consider. By the time this story begins, she appears to be a girl in her early to mid-teens, with blonde hair done up in twin pigtails, framing a heart-shaped face with whisker-like birthmarks. Her fingernails, however, are almost like claws, and her sapphire eyes have a ring of gold just around the pupil. And her hair has a small but noticeable streak of silver in it. She wore black shirts and leggings, over which she wore a red jacket with both the Uzumaki spiral symbol, as well as a strange symbol, like a mixture between a cross and a lion's snarling face(1).

She also has a strangely mature way of speaking. While she's not averse to doing pranks and sometimes being impish and impulsive, Naruko seemed to speak like someone old beyond her years, solemn, even lugubrious. It unnerved friends and foes alike, understandably, and what was more, she seemed to know it. But they couldn't do anything about it, at least not for the time being. They opted to take a wait and see approach.

Of course, her apparent ability to use strange jutsus had some calling her the Fox Witch. Ah, if only they knew…

* * *

In a dark, isolated chamber, whose location and contents were known only to a very small number of people in the Elemental Countries, a wreck of a man rested. His body was emaciated, resting in a massive chair-like apparatus with four legs, almost making him like some strange fly crucified to a stone spider. His lugubrious and once-handsome features framed by lank, red hair.

To most who even knew of his existence, he was known by the _nom de guerre_ of Pain, the leader of the mercenary organisation known as Akatsuki or 'daybreak'. However, he had been born Nagato Uzumaki of Ame, the village he now ruled after wresting control from Hanzo the Salamander. He was a man on a mission, a self-appointed mission he considered to be divine. And while many who considered themselves gods were deranged or evil, Nagato was not quite either of those. He was very rational, even if he was obsessed with his goals, and he considered himself a necessary evil at worst.

"I'm not a fan of the décor, frankly," purred a voice, which roused Nagato into alertness. "You'd think for the throne room of a would-be god, you'd decorate it a bit better. Still, considering you live through those zombies of yours, it's not surprising."

Nagato opened his eyes, revealing purple eyes that seemed to have concentric circles, like ripples, around the pupil, the sign of the _Rinnegan_ , a _doujutsu_ or eye technique that was said to be the most powerful of all. He saw the intruder, dressed in a blood red cloak, the hood concealing the face, though the figure and the voice suggested a young woman, anywhere from their teens to their thirties. No intruder had ever made it into his sanctuary before. He was about to call in the Six Paths of Pain, before he realised he couldn't summon them.

"I took the liberty of blocking your ability to summon your zombie helpers via seals before I woke you. Sorry, Nagato, but I'm here to talk, and I wanted to make sure you listened before you tried to kill me."

"My name is Pain," Nagato said coldly.

"Very well, then. If we are to use pseudonyms, well, you may call me…Ultimecia."

Ultimecia…the name sounded strange, as if coming from another language entirely, outside the Elemental Countries. "Ultimecia…tell me, then. Why have you invaded the inner sanctum of a god?"

Ultimecia tittered. "And here I was thinking it was gaudy when **_I_** claimed to be a deity. Then again, there's no shortage of megalomaniacs who make claims to being a god. Take that masked imbecile for instance, the one you've been…working with. He called himself Madara Uchiha, didn't he? But he wasn't. He was once a rather pleasant boy called Obito…until a series of unfortunate events befell him. He met the real Madara just before the antediluvian fossil died, and took on his name, but he wasn't Madara."

Nagato's eyes narrowed. The way she spoke, it was as if Madara…

As if reading his mind, Ultimecia took out a sealing scroll, and activated it, revealing a jar used to preserve body parts…particularly eyes. Floating around within them were a pair of eyes…one a _Sharingan_ , the other a _Rinnegan_. "I killed him, yes," Ultimecia said, in response to Nagato's unasked question, before putting the jar back in the scroll. "Along with Zetsu. Of course, I could easily have killed all of the Akatsuki in their sleep, but it was Obito and Zetsu who are the greatest threat to me. Well, you and the Akatsuki are a threat to me, but I think I can negotiate with you and Konan. Plus, Obito helped kill my parents and ensured I had a shitty life. He was to me…what Danzou Shimura was to you."

Nagato concealed his shock with an effort. It was bad enough that this Ultimecia had claimed to have killed two of the most powerful members of his organisation…but now, she somehow knew of his grudge against the leader of Konoha's ROOT. "You have killed two of my men," Nagato said.

"I killed a man who was pulling your strings, and a thing who was pulling his, all on behalf of an psychotic bitch of a would-be goddess who, incidentally, was the mother of the Sage of the Six Paths. I could kill you in an instant. I could even make it so that the _Edo Tensei_ can't revive you. It's amazing what was left behind on Uzushio when our clan was scattered."

"Our clan…so, you are an Uzumaki," Nagato said.

"Yes. Our clan, along with the other people of Uzushio, were scattered in a diaspora when it was annihilated. Kiri and Iwa may have formed the bulk of the forces attacking Uzushio…but they were betrayed by a force without, a force who was supposed to be their ally. Konoha. Or at least parts of it. ROOT and the former team headed by Tobirama Senju conspired."

"And how do you know this?"

"Let's just say that I have abilities. For example, I learned the truth about you, Obito, and Zetsu by looking into memories. It's a gift. And no, despite my hair, I'm no Yamanaka."

Nagato realised he could just see a tress of blonde hair poking out from the darkness in the hood. "A Bloodline Limit like the Yamanakas, then?"

"Not exactly. You wouldn't believe the truth if I told you. You would require proof. The only Bloodline Limit I have is the Chakra Chains of the Uzumakis. I have other abilities unique to me. Incidentally, Danzou is not the only Konoha figure we have a mutual grudge against. I know you were taught by Jiraiya of the _Sannin_. And who could have done more to protect you, Konan and Yahiko from Hanzo. He's supposed to be my godfather, but, well, he's content to let the village have their pounds of flesh from me."

Gears were turning in Nagato's head. Blonde hair…Jiraiya for a godfather…an Uzumaki…Obito ensuring the death of her parents…Nagato was beginning to have a guess who she was. It was a rather vague guess, but thanks to Itachi Uchiha, he was fairly certain there was only one known Uzumaki affiliated with Konoha. And with that remark about the village claiming their pound of flesh… "Why did you come here?"

"To ask for an alliance. And a change of your mission. I don't know whether your intention to cause pain to the world to get it to stop war will work…especially as there will be people who rise up against you in revenge. And I have a vested interest in protecting the _jinchuriki_ of the Hidden Villages. After all, I'm friends with most of them."

"You are one." It was a statement rather than a question. "You are the _jinchuriki_ of the _Kyuubi_. Naruko Uzumaki."

A snort came from underneath the hood, before Ultimecia reached up and took off her hood, revealing a girl of perhaps 16, older than she should have been. Blonde-haired, but with a silvery streak, and golden rings around her pupils that made her look vaguely unearthly. "Did Itachi suffer from flux of the tongue?"

"Not exactly. He mentioned you and your…burden on a couple of occasions. And our spies within Konoha have fed us information…though clearly not enough."

"Yes. Incidentally, I've got explosive tags on that rather gauche statue of yours. If you kill me, try to extract the _Kyuubi_ , or just annoy me enough…well, Deidara would probably enjoy what happens. I'm going to blow it up anyway…but I wanted to talk to you first. From what I saw in your minds, Akatsuki used to be a force for peace until things went sour. I think it could be again. After all, there is too much power vested in the wrong people. You wanted to steal the power of the Tailed Beasts…but what if a _jinchuriki_ was willing to work with you?"

"And what if I was to refuse?"

Naruko gave a vicious smirk…only to disappear. Not blur or flicker like a _Shunshin_ or any jutsu. She simply vanished…and then, Nagato heard her voice right next to his ear. "Then you would die, _Rinnegan_ or not. I can kill instantly, Nagato. I could kill everyone in the Akatsuki in their beds…well, those who have beds. I'm considering killing you because you are a threat to my friends both inside and outside Konoha…but I also know that there's hope for you. I could have tried to get through to Obito, but he's obsessed with reuniting with his loved one. He was going to betray you, and everyone else in the Akatsuki. You knew nothing about the Infinite Tsukuyomi. No, Akatsuki was a means to an end for Obito. I wish I didn't have to kill him…but he was too dangerous, and unlikely to listen. A lot of Uchiha are like that. They have egos in inverse proportion to the size of their genitals."

Inwardly, Nagato snorted in laughter at that assessment. The Uchiha were notorious for their big egos, which did make him wonder if they were compensating for something. Even so, he was in a dangerous situation. Ultimecia…no, Naruko Uzumaki had him over a barrel. His body here was in no condition to fight, and he couldn't summon the Six Paths thanks to her seals. He had to admit, he was impressed. She had somehow managed to infiltrate his headquarters, kill two of his most powerful people, and had him, if not powerless, then at an extreme disadvantage.

"I presume you have a counter-proposal," Nagato said calmly.

"Of sorts. At the very least, I can deliver Danzou to you on a platter, when the time is right. I've been itching to kill him for a while, given his plans for me and for others…but he has hurt many people, including you, and I thought he'd make a nice bargaining chip. If you want Jiraiya, I am willing to bring him to you as well. And…if you wish…if Akatsuki changes what they intend to do…" He could all but hear the grin in her voice. "Well, I might be willing to help you. Of course, those are just the incentives. Here's my proposal…"

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Naruko's made an offer to Pain, and killed Obito and Zetsu. Now, a lot of you are going to say that she's too OP. Well, there are times when people want to read an OP-protagonist story: this story was influenced by my own Potterverse stories** ** _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_** **and** ** _Just a Touch of Kleptomania_** **, especially the latter. Also, Ultimecia/Naruko's powers are a mix of those she has in both** ** _Final Fantasy VIII_** **and** ** _Dissida: Final Fantasy_** **, along with magic and GFs. Coupled with seals knowledge and jutsus, well…yeah, she's not unstoppable, but she's not far from it.**

 **Now, how can she read minds? Well, she IS able to take a memory from Squall's mind to create the GF Griever. As for her moving fast…well, that's her time-stop ability. More on that, and why she looks 16 instead of the 12/13 Naruto was in canon in Part 1, later.**

 **1\. This is the Griever symbol on Squall's gunblade and ring, the one Ultimecia derived her GF Griever from.**


	3. A Different Village Chapter 1

**Before I embark on the next sample chapter for this collection, I thought I'd respond to a guest review, who pointed out some of the darker elements of the characters I bashed in _Tempus Edax Rerum_. They pointed out that the Hokage and Jiraiya were too like Dumbledore in many regards, and their bashing is well-deserved. I disagree. AFAIK, in canon, there are rarely, if at all, murderous mobs, with the populace more likely to use psychological abuse rather than physical, usually by shunning Naruto. I also prefer to reconstruct characters like Dumbledore, etc, rather than bash them. Indeed, I only bash them if it suits the story. The same will go for Jiraiya and the Third, as well as Sasuke. Indeed, I reconstructed those three for my pure Naruto fic _Observations of a Wannabe Kunoichi_. **

**Incidentally, that fic also shows the two characters I will NEVER bash for a story: Sakura (who is the central character of _Observations of a Wannabe Kunoichi_ ) and Kakashi. I think the pair of them get a lot of undue hate, and while many of my favourite Naruto fanfics do involve bashing of one or the other or even both, I personally consider Kakashi my favourite character in the series (alongside Anko, anyway), and Sakura, I want to write stories where she's a badass to compensate for the plethora of bashing fics. And before you start complaining about Kakashi's favouritism towards Sasuke, I pulled those complaints apart in _Observations of a Wannabe Kunoichi_. He may not be the best of teachers, but I think people demonise him too much. And I think the reason why is to elevate Naruto.**

 **Let's be blunt here, if you'll excuse me going on a rant. The canon Naruto is an obnoxious, egotistical idiot (though to be fair, Monkey D Luffy makes Naruto look like a genius by comparison) whose only saving graces are his tenacity and loyalty to his friends. Most Naruto-centric fanfics actually make him less obnoxious and, to varying degrees, egotistical, and he's considerably more tolerable in those than he is in canon, at least in the initial stages of the manga. I have to confess, Naruto only starts to get more likeable partway through the Chunin Exams Arc, though the events of the Wave Arc help. I like fanfic that does away with that obnoxiousness, where Naruto becomes competent.**

 **Okay, rant over. Time for the preamble to this sample chapter to begin.**

 **This chapter was from an idea I had once. I am a major fan of the older British science fiction shows. _The Prisoner_ is considered a hybrid between science fiction and spy-thriller. If you haven't heard of it, odds are you have heard of the recent remake starring Jim Cavaziel and Ian McKellen, or else seen references to it in other shows, like _The Simpsons_ (remember 'The Computer Wore Menace Shoes' where Homer was abducted and taken to an island where everyone answered to numbers? Yep, that's a reference to _The Prisoner_ , even the balloon).**

 **Anyway, the concept of _The Prisoner_ , for those unaware, is that a secret agent (later known as Number 6) abruptly resigns, only to be abducted and sent to an isolated area known only as the Village. It looks superficially like a seaside resort (it was filmed in Portmeirion, Wales), but it is actually a prison camp of sorts for spies, military personnel, scientists, people who know too much in general. Number 6 has been brought there because the powers behind the Village, embodied by its perpetually-changing administrator Number 2, want to know exactly why he resigned, believing Number 6 had ulterior motives. Number 6 refuses to divulge anything, and the episodes of the series are either about his attempts to escape or undermine the authority of the Village, or else the latest Number 2's scheme to force Number 6 to divulge what information they want from him.**

 **The series was frankly at times as surreal and inexplicable as _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ , down to the finale. Hell, they had what looked like a roaring weather balloon (nicknamed 'Rover') as a guard dog, that would suffocate anyone who tried to escape. I'm not making this up.**

 **Anyway, I had this weird thought. What if Number 6 was actually taken to Konoha?**

 **I don't think this will become a full story any time soon, as I've gone off the idea. I'm just presenting it here for archival reasons. But I still hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

 _ **A DIFFERENT VILLAGE**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **RESIGNATION, ABDUCTION, CONFUSION**

The man driving his Lotus Seven car through the streets of London wasn't a particularly remarkable man, at first glance, despite the intensity of his saturnine features and his piercing blue eyes. But he was a man driven by purpose, even as he manoeuvred his car through various streets, eventually driving into what seemed to be an underground parking area in Whitehall. After parking his car, he imperiously pushed through a set of doors marked 'WAY OUT', and strode down a darkened corridor, his shoes clacking in a harsh tempo that only served to telegraph his anger.

He reached his destination, and soon burst into an office with the fury of a thunderbolt, striding up to the desk, and arguing with the rather mild-looking man (a bureaucrat, perhaps?) behind it. The argument was decidedly one-sided: the intruder was here for one purpose, and it wasn't an argument. He slammed down a letter marked 'PRIVATE- PERSONAL- BY HAND' onto the desk. Seemingly infuriated with the bureaucrat's apparent apathy, he punctuates the letter delivery by slamming a fist into the desk, causing a tea cup to leap off its saucer briefly…and then crack it coming down. This gets the bureaucrat's attention, but too late, as the angry man is now just a back, retreating through the door.

As the angry man drove to his home, now with a faint smile of satisfaction on his face, the consequences of his act were playing out elsewhere. In a secret facility, an identification card with the man's saturnine features was being typed across with 'X's, before being funnelled by an automated system into a filing cabinet (one amongst monolithic thousands in that vast facility) that opened and shut with clinical and inhuman precision. Said filing cabinet had a single word on it, betraying its singular purpose: RESIGNED. Meanwhile, a hearse, perversely, seemed to be following the man who had quit his job.

The man in the Lotus Seven reached his destination, his home, and parked his car, going inside, not seeing, or else not caring, about the hearse that was pulling up behind him. Within his small home, the man bustles back and forth, packing a suitcase with indecent haste.

A man dressed as an undertaker emerges from the hearse, and walks to the door of his target, preparing some sort of apparatus. Inside, just as the man finishes his packing, he hears the hiss of gas entering the room in a white jet. It's hard to tell what expression glitters in his eyes. Surprise? Annoyance? Perhaps even some sort of satisfaction?

He watches the tall skyscrapers sway and wobble like drunkards as the anaesthetic gas affects him. He staggers away, closing the blinds, and slumps onto the bed, unconscious.

The faux-undertaker finishes his work, and smirks in grim satisfaction. The first part of the operation was over. And now for the second part. He fished in his coat for the gasmask he would have to wear for the extraction…

…only to feel a sharp pain in the back of his neck, and then slide into darkness, just like his victim inside.

Had anyone been capable of seeing what happened next, they would have been astonished. A pair of men, one lanky, silvery-haired and with a mouth-concealing mask, and the other with a massive mane of white hair and kabuki-like markings on his face, went into the residence of the resigned man. Some minutes passed. Then the larger of the two, the one with the mane of white hair, brought out the resigned man draped over his shoulder like a roll of carpet. The masked man had a bag. Once they had exited the building, they disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

But nobody in that part of London was capable of seeing what had happened. And it was just as well. A mysterious organisation, the one behind the faux-undertakers, would puzzle behind the events for years to come. How had the man, the one that they intended to designate Number 6, slipped through their grasp? What had happened to their agents, their professional kidnappers disguised as undertakers? Had Number 6 been already taken by an unknown group, and spilling the secrets they wanted him to divulge to them, and them alone?

* * *

Consciousness bled slowly into the man's mind. Silently, with nary a groan, he got up off his bed. He seemed to be still in his apartment. Groggily, he staggered over to a window, and opened the blinds.

Whatever background he was expecting, whether it was the skyscrapers of London or some other locale, he certainly wasn't expecting some sort of Oriental town, nearly a city. He recognised the characters as Japanese.

In utter confusion, he left the apartment, determined to find out where he was. His Japanese was a bit rusty, but he could get by. He found himself at a restaurant proclaiming itself to be Ichiraku's Ramen. A teenaged girl and an older man, presumably her father, were setting up. The girl looked up, and said, "Oh, sorry, we've only just opening up for the day. It'll be a while before we're ready. Can I help you?"

"Where am I?" the lost man asked. Had he heard English rather than Japanese? He decided not to question that for the moment.

"The Village Hidden in the Leaves, though we just call it Konoha," the girl said.

"Are you new here?" the older man asked.

"You could say that," the lost man said. "Is there a telephone or anything I can use?"

"Telephone? What's that(1)?"

"Never mind. Is there anywhere I can get a map then?"

"Sure, try the Hagane(2) Supplies Store," the older man asked. "By the way, what's your name?"

The lost man, with little hesitation, used one of his longer-term aliases. It was the one he was living under when he resigned. "Peter Smith(3)."

"That's a funny name," the girl remarked. "I'm Ayame Ichiraku, and this is my father, Teuchi Ichiraku."

Smith nodded politely. At least the girl had been as helpful as she could. "Thank you for your help."

* * *

It didn't take long for Smith to find the Hagane Supplies Store. He was surprised at what supplies were actually available. They seemed to be mostly weapons of some kind: swords, knives, a few exotic weapons he had heard of, slips of paper with Japanese characters writ large on them. No guns, though. And yet, he had seen power lines, so electricity was being used.

A man came up to the counter. "Yes? Can I help you, sir?"

"Yes, I'm new in town, and I need a map. Preferably with surrounding area."

The man fished around below the counter with a frown, and fished one out. "Here you go, sir. The map is of Konoha on one side, and of the Elemental Countries on the other."

 _Elemental Countries?_ Smith thought, but didn't speak it out loud. He had already betrayed that he was a stranger to these parts. He studied the map quickly. He committed as much of Konoha to memory as he could, but frowned at the unfamiliar shapes and names of countries on the other side.

"I am very sorry," Smith said to the shop owner. "The map doesn't help me much at all."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Mr…?"

"Smith. Peter Smith."

"That's a funny name," the shop owner remarked. "Oh well. Is there anything else you'd like to see?"

"No, thank you. I am sorry to have wasted your time," Smith said. "Goodbye."

When Smith exited the shop, he found someone waiting for him. Someone dressed in some sort of combat uniform, a vest with a number of holding pockets over a black bodysuit. A white, porcelain mask, stylised to look like a dog, peered at him. "So you are awake, Mr Smith. I apologise for not paying attention. And we apologise for bringing you here without an explanation."

Smith's eyes narrowed. "Where am I?"

"In the Village. The Village Hidden in the Leaves, in any case. Come. I will take you to our leader, the Third Hokage. You will have your answers there."

Smith didn't have any reason to trust the man. "And who or what might you be?"

"What I am is ANBU. Think of us as a special forces group. We have codenames in ANBU. I am 'Inu', or Dog, if you prefer. I am under orders to bring you to the Hokage, Mr Smith. As he intends to give you answers, I am sure that you would want to come willingly."

Smith scowled, but nodded. The man spoke in something of a detached monotone, but the way he acted was definitely professional. Smith knew that he would have a hard time fighting the man. Best to bide his time first. "Lead the way."

"Actually, it'd be best if you take my hand."

"Why?" Smith asked, taking the man's hand as he did so. Suddenly, with a sickening lurch and a swirl of leaves…

* * *

…they were somewhere else. Inside a building, it seemed.

As Smith stumbled slightly, shaking his head to get rid of the dizziness, Inu, despite himself, chuckled. "My apologies. Those unused to the _Shunshin_ do tend to get disoriented."

"The what?"

"Never mind, I will explain later. Please, follow me. The Hokage awaits."

Smith was led into a room where an old man, perhaps in his 70s, scowled at piles of paperwork around him. The man was dressed in Japanese robes, and had a wide, conical hat with the Japanese symbol for 'fire' on it. Looking up, the man looked, frankly, relieved. "Ah, Mr Smith. It's good to see you. Sit down if you'd like."

Smith looked at the indicated chair, and then back at the old man. "I'd prefer to stand."

"Very well. You may go now, Inu." As the masked man left, the old man said, "I am Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage or 'Fire Shadow', and the leader of Konoha. You are one of the few outsiders who have come, or rather, been brought to the Elemental Countries."

"Elemental…you mean this isn't Japan?" Smith asked.

"No. We isolated ourselves from the world centuries ago, in what you would consider a pocket dimension. Few venture outside. You have met one of them, who was one of my students. Do you remember a man called Jiraiya, at Madame Engadine's latest party?"

Smith did remember Jiraiya, a big bear of a man with a mane of white hair and a lecherous look to him. Despite his lewd ways, the man was entertaining, and he had hinted that he was in Smith's line of work. Then again, so were many of Madame Engadine's guests(4). It was an unofficial meeting place for spies and information brokers. "So he was a student of yours…are you some sort of spy agency?"

"More than that. We are shinobi…or perhaps you know us better as ninja?"

Smith raised an eyebrow. He knew of the legendary Japanese warrior-spies and assassins. "And what do you want with me?"

The Hokage steepled his fingers, and leaned forward. "We've kept our eye on the outside world for some time. We are almost completely safe from the Cold War, should it heat up, but we look for new talent to recruit. While it would be impossible for you to learn all the skills of a ninja, as your chakra coils have not been awakened, and cannot, your record speaks for itself. You are an expert spy, with over a dozen aliases to your name. We still don't know your real one, so we're using the name you have used the most, Mr Smith."

"But why me? Why gas and kidnap me?"

"We did not gas you, though our bringing you here without consent was regrettable. We intercepted an actual kidnapping attempt, by those behind the Village. I am sure that you know of what Village I speak."

Smith frowned. "They worked fast. I half-expected to be halfway to the tropics before they got to me."

The Hokage nodded. "Since your meeting with Jiraiya, I have had two ANBU stationed to watch you. Jiraiya noted your discontent, and then, we learned of the Village, and the role you had in its inception."

Smith scowled. It was true. Once, in his earliest years as an agent, he had pondered the problem of retired secret agents, and had created a concept of a secure retirement village, where they could live out the rest of their lives under firm but unobtrusive surveillance. Recently, he had found out that his idea had been put into practice, but as a prison camp, albeit with gaudy decoration. A cage gilded in pastel colours. He had heard that the Village, assuming there was only one, was modelled heavily on the Welsh town of Portmeirion. He had staged his resignation so that he could infiltrate the Village, and find out who was responsible(5).

"We had a notion that you were considering resigning in order to infiltrate the Village from within, but we decided that we couldn't afford to waste someone like you."

"Someone like me?"

"Jiraiya spoke highly of you and your skills. We are not interested in your secrets, Mr Smith," the Hokage said. "We are more interested in your skills. Heaven knows we need more able instructors in spycraft, especially for the next generation. And those behind the Village will not find you here. But they will if you left the Elemental Countries."

Smith scowled. "I'm not making deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own(6)."

"True," the Hokage said, "and we have taken a great liberty in bringing you here. I am sorry for taking your choice away from you, Mr Smith. But the question I ask you is this: would you fight against the backers of the Village, not knowing of whether you will succeed or not? Or would you prefer to teach others how to be as good as you are in your field of work? Would you prefer to rise and be known, even as a teacher, than sink into conformity?"

Smith glared at the Hokage. Eventually, he relented. "I need some time to think about it. If I refuse, will you take me back to England?"

"If you wish. I would have thought you might have preferred somewhere else."

"Where I go is what I choose, Hokage." And with that, Smith left the office, considerably more calm than the last time he left the office of a high-ranking official…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Number 6 has been captured…by a very different Village. But how will things turn out for him?**

 **The first scenes of the story were, of course, taken from the very first episode of** ** _The Prisoner, Arrival_** **, while the rest of this chapter were based, in many elements, on similar scenes from that episode.**

 **1\. Konoha seems to have a pretty eclectic mix of technology, so for the purpose of this story, there's no telephones.**

 **2\. Hagane seems to be a popular fanon surname for Tenten, so I went with that.**

 **3\. In the episode** ** _Many Happy Returns_** **, Number 6 uses this name, so I've decided to use that as his name in this story. It's an alias, though.**

 **4\. Madame Engadine and her parties appeared in the episode** ** _A, B and C_** **. That episode revolves around one of the Number 2s trying to figure out which of a frequent guest at these parties Number 6 may have been selling out to, using a dream-viewing technique.**

 **5\. I heard that this was something originally intended for** ** _The Prisoner_** **, according to George Markstein, one of the people who collaborated with Patrick McGoohan on the series. It's certainly my own personal fanon for the series.**

 **6\. This line is what Number 6 uses against Number 2 in** ** _Arrival_** **. It's one of the most famous speeches (well, rants) from the series.**


	4. Kitsune Child Chapter 1

**I noticed a distinct lack of reaction to _A Different Village_ as of writing this. I'm wondering why that is. Maybe it's because _The Prisoner_ is a bit obscure to you guys. Or maybe the sample chapter wasn't that good. Huh.**

 **Anyway, here's another from the archives. I had this really weird idea which, one day, I will use in a proper fic. Of course, whether that future fic is like this one is another matter. But I hope you enjoy it anyway...**

* * *

 _ **KITSUNE CHILD**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **A BEATEN CHILD**

 _Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, 27 years ago(_ _1)_ …

An old woman dies. A girl, only five years of age, convulses in the worst of pain. Roars, from the throat of a massive monster, fill the air like thunder from some gargantuan storm. An arcane ritual is finished, and soon, everything is eerily still once more, like the very grave itself.

None of those looking on at the moment knew it at the time, but the night saw the death not only of an old woman, but of the young girl and the monster. From a certain viewpoint, anyway. But in their stead, something both wonderful and terrible would be born…

* * *

 _8 years ago_ …

The Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, looked at the destruction the now-unleashed _Kyuubi_ was wreaking upon Konoha. A deep wound in his side throbbed and oozed blood. He knew that unless he got medical attention, he would die, from a combination of blood loss, organ damage, and exposure to the chakra of a _Bijuu_ , a Tailed Beast. But if he didn't act soon, the village he led would die with him.

He stared at the _Kyuubi_ , a massive nine-tailed fox the size of a mountain, and the colour of blood and flame. He watched in profound horror as it roared and destroyed.

But even as the _Kyuubi_ raged and rampaged, he could see that it wasn't causing as much devastation as it could have. In this, he took heart, because it meant someone he held very dear was fighting. But he knew it was only a matter of time before they succumbed.

In his arms, he held his newborn son. He looked from his son to the massive fox. Tears filled his eyes. This, he knew, would be his dying act, condemning his wife and child both to a dark fate, while he would go to the grave, for the sake of the village. He had written his last letter, for Jiraiya and Hiruzen to read. Now, he could only hope he was doing the right thing.

 _Kushina…Naruto…please forgive me…_ Minato Namikaze thought, before he made his move.

* * *

8 years after the _Kyuubi_ 's rampage, Naruto Uzumaki was running for his life. He had mixed feelings about his birthday. True, he got presents from the Old Man, aka the Hokage, as well as a couple of mystery benefactors. But on a couple of his birthdays, which coincided with the Kyuubi Festival, a few people would get it into their heads to try and kill him.

Most people were content to either ignore his existence, or else merely wish harm upon Naruto, rather than actively want him dead. A few pitied him his fate, not that Naruto knew the specifics of it. All that he knew was that fate seemed to have it in for him, and beneath his mask of a cheerful, unrepentant and obnoxious prankster was a child shunned by much of the world as he knew it. Only the friendship and generosity of a few kept him sane. The Third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi. Teuchi and Ayame, the proprietors of Ichiraku's, Naruto's favourite ramen stand. Kakashi Hatake, formerly of ANBU, but now keeping an eye on Naruto from afar, looking forward to the day when he would be able to help his sensei's son more overtly. Jiraiya, the Toad Sage, also keeping an eye on Naruto from afar. Anko Mitarashi, fellow outcast for being the former student of Orochimaru, and having a cheerfully sadistic nature besides. A few others who could look past the obnoxious interior, and the malicious whispers, and see the child in need of help.

And one other. In fact, for his 8th birthday, Naruto was going to get what would be the best birthday present he ever got. A shame he would have to be beaten nearly to death first.

In truth, those who decided to try and kill the Kyuubi were a small group of drunken morons, numbering about half a dozen or so. Even those who wished Naruto dead were held back by the fear of either violating the laws of Konoha, or else an even worse fear. After all, killing the child could very well unleash the beast. But there are some in whom malice, fear, and stupidity are a potent combination, and spurred by alcohol, it becomes a lethal combination.

Naruto was fast. He has to be, as he has run away from adults after committing one of his pranks. But he is yet to fully grasp that ninja need to be aware of their surroundings at all times, and this went double for their own footing. Which was why, when he tripped on a stone in the path, it meant more than just the pain of falling to the ground while at running speed. That is paltry, compared to what was to come.

This time, the ANBU assigned to keep an eye on Naruto were a little slow to intervene. This was no accident: the Hokage and the ANBU commanders chose Naruto's watchers poorly this time, for the one in charge of 'Bijuu Babysitting' (as it was known amongst some in ANBU) was one who detested Naruto. Eel (his codename) would only intervene after a certain point.

Which was how Naruto ended up beaten to within an inch of his life. It would have been to the point of death, had Eel's subordinates not had a fit of compassion, and intervened sooner. Eel threatened to write them up for insubordination, but he would soon learn that one of his comrades was a Yamanaka who had little compunction on using some of his mind arts to find out secrets, especially if he felt one of his comrades was a threat to the integrity of ANBU.

In any case, Naruto was brought to the hospital, while his attackers were taken to Torture and Interrogation, where Ibiki Morino and Anko Mitarashi would have a field day with them. Surprisingly, few of the staff at the hospital actually hated Naruto. Most treated him with cold detachment, but for the most part, they treated their oaths to care for the sick and wounded equally with great gravitas, seriousness and solemnity, and it was often in hospital that the obnoxious mask fell off Naruto Uzumaki, and those treating him saw the hurt boy beneath.

This was easily the worst of the beatings he had suffered. The Hokage was soon summoned. As Naruto was treated, the Hokage was told that Naruto was in an induced coma. The doctors and nurses here were aware of the healing factor that the _Kyuubi_ gave Naruto, but they did all that they could to ensure that the healing was as rapid as possible, regardless of the _Kyuubi_ 's abilities. Broken bones were set and gaping wounds were sewn up, and soon, everything was on the mend.

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, knew that there would be more wounds than those inflicted on the body. He knew that the worst would be inflicted on the mind. Even now, he wondered whether it was time to tell Naruto about what he held within him. Was he too young to understand or cope? The Hokage, even with decades of experience as both a shinobi and as a Hokage, didn't know.

As he peered down at Naruto's broken body, currently in a perverse parody of repose, Mebuki Haruno, one of the key organisers of the Kyuubi Festival, came in. A blonde-haired woman, despite being from a civilian family, she and her husband Kizashi were both shinobi. She looked down at Naruto with an expression filled with some pity and even a little disdain. "Another beating. This is the second year this happened during the Festival. I thought you made it clear, Hokage-sama, that there would be no such disturbance."

"Sadly, I cannot control everyone, and I cannot stop them drinking," the Hokage said. "I doubt you could too."

"At a Village Festival?" Haruno snorted. "They're celebrating the victory of the Fourth Hokage over the demon. Keeping my daughter away from him is one thing, especially as he is an obnoxious troublemaker. Doing this…this is not about the Will of Fire."

"Neither is shunning him, but this is still far more abominable," the Hokage said.

"Is it wise to let him continue in the Academy, Hokage-sama?"

"It's what he wants. It's what his parents would have wanted. Haruno, I want ideas on how we might be able to prevent this in future," the Hokage said.

Haruno scoffed. "The only way you can is to execute the idiots who cross the line, and you already have the law in place for that. Even without the S-rank secret laws, they attempted to murder a child who barely knows the basics of being a shinobi, and who has certainly done nothing to deserve such a thing, just obnoxious and aggravating pranks. Does Hatake know?"

The Hokage nodded. "Last I heard, he was heading over to T&I to lend Ibiki and Anko a hand. You'd be surprised at the amount of _genjutsu_ he has learned that can act as interrogation techniques. He sometimes uses the _Chidori_ on those who have been sentenced to death. I can already hear the complaints some of the civilian council will make about what has happened tonight."

"Empty vessels make the most noise, Hokage-sama," Haruno said. "I'll head back to the Festival, keep an ear out."

The Hokage nodded, and resumed his vigil over a child he considered to be another grandson. He hoped, beyond all hope, that he wasn't failing Naruto, and thus Minato and Kushina…

* * *

Wherever Naruto was, it wasn't Konoha anymore. And in one part of his mind, he was glad. The other parts were wondering how the hell he ended up somewhere else. It was a small city, filled with tall buildings, surrounded by mountains, and with a large river in the middle. It was lit by the twilight of the later afternoon, golden and orange and brown hues giving a warm, autumnal feel to the city. It felt like home, far more than Konoha felt like.

He was at the top of one of the buildings, staring out at the landscape in wonder and even a little awe. So engrossed was he in the surroundings, that he didn't realise someone was behind him until he heard the voice. "Beautiful, isn't it, _dattebane?_ "

With a yelp, he whirled to face the one behind him, a woman with long red hair and gentle violet eyes. Chuckling a little at his reaction, she continued, walking by him to gaze at the landscape, "This is my home, as it used to be. Well, my home in one life. You are looking at Uzushio, the Village Hidden in the Whirlpools. Destroyed long before you were born."

As Naruto gaped, struggling to get his brain back into gear, the woman said, rather sadly, "I missed this place, even before Iwa and Kiri teamed up to destroy it. Even so, as much as I enjoy being here, it is still a cage, gilded and well-furnished, but a cage nonetheless."

Naruto finally found his voice, and demanded, "Who are you? Are you an angel? A demon?"

"Both, and neither, _dattebane_ ," the woman said. She then looked to Naruto, and walked over to him, before kneeling and gently taking his head in her hands, and looking at him, smiling sadly. "I am both the bane of your existence, Naruto, and the one who loves you most in all the world. It pains me to see you go through all that at the hand of imbecilic villagers who don't understand the difference between a prison cell, and the prisoner. Only now can I at last speak to you." She stood, and backed away from him, before fox-like ears sprouted from her head, her violet eyes became red with slitted pupils, and from her back, nine tails appeared, waving lazily.

Naruto backed away slightly, feeling the sheer, raw power coming from the woman in front of him. His instincts screamed conflicting messages at him. Some wanted him to kill this abomination standing before him. Others wanted him to flee for his life. And others still were trying to tell him that this woman was no threat, that she would do anything but harm him.

"Who I am, Naruto, is a complicated question, _dattebane_ ," the woman said, looking sheepish despite her intimidating appearance. "One of us was Kurama, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox. But the other…was Kushina Uzumaki." At the name, Naruto started. Another with his name? Noticing his expression, the woman nodded. "That is right, Naruto. This is perhaps the most unbelievable thing of all: I am your mother."

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS NO JUTSU!:**

 **Well, that just happened.**

 **I based Uzushio's appearance off the screenshot from the Naruto Wiki.**

 **One thing that might be of some contention is how I characterised Sakura's mother, Mebuki. Most fanfics, especially those that bash Sakura, have her as bad a bitch as her daughter, if not worse. Here, I decided to do a portrayal that was closer to canon, even though AFAIK they never appear in the manga, only the anime. I think of Mebuki as being somewhat cold to Naruto, but most of her dislike is more to Naruto being an obnoxious brat (which frankly he is for the first part of the series) than for the** ** _Kyuubi_** **, though that still plays a role. But she also detests the attempts on his life.**

 **Also, the birthday mobs, while to a degree fanon, aren't so different from canon. After all, when the ninja are summoned to track Naruto down after he steals the Scroll, at least a couple say outright that he should die. I reckon that, in my personal fanon, Naruto was attacked on several occasions, but by a relative minority of Konoha, maybe half a dozen people at most. Most are either happy to ignore him, or else are afraid of unleashing the** ** _Kyuubi_** **upon Naruto's death.**

 **Finally, regarding Minato's demise: unlike in canon, he didn't use the Death God Seal, as he was dying anyway, and part of Kushina/** ** _Kyuubi_** **was willing to be sealed away anyway.**

 **1\. According to the Naruto Wiki, Kushina was 24 when she died. I guessed (with little other information, so if I'm wrong, just see it as part of this fanfic's timeline) that she was 5 at most when the Kyuubi was sealed in her. And as Naruto is 8 when he first meets her, then that means 19+8, so 27 years.**


	5. Dulce Periculum Prologue

**So, here's something a little odd. Like _Tempus Edax Rerum_ , this is a Konoha-bashing story with crossover elements. This story was actually inspired by a challenge Anubis of The Highway Thieves posted in DZ2's forums, _Bugs & Foxes_. The challenge itself was to pair a female Naruto with Shino, or a female Shino with Naruto. I eventually chose the latter, though not before going through various phases.  
**

 **I considered having Naruto know the _Mokuton_ (a cliche, yes, but it felt right: I even considered having a female Naruto have the powers from Poison Ivy), have the Celestial Brush from _Okami_ , or any number of possible powers. But thinking back to the challenge, I had a moment of inspiration. I thought of the affinity with ants that Alexia Ashford from _Resident Evil: Code Veronica_ had, and having used her for my Potterverse crossover _Henry Ashford and the Goblet of Fire_ , I felt confident enough to transfer Veronica, along with the other bioweapons Umbrella created, to the Elemental Nations. How will be explained in a later chapter.**

 **Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and hopefully, this will become a full fic...**

* * *

 _ **DULCE PERICULUM**_

 **PROLOGUE:**

 **ALMA MATER**

Many of the jutsus and Bloodline Limits of the shinobi of the Elemental Nations were strange, exotic, beyond the ken of most people. Through jutsus and Bloodline Limits, shinobi could breathe fire like a dragon, summon up lightning into the hand, turn their bodies into water, shape the earth into walls or spikes, or summon up a tempest of wind. Some clans used their bodies as hives for symbiotic insects, or had eyes that could anticipate and copy techniques, or could even turn the very bones of their bodies into weapons.

To many civilians, shinobi were considered freaks. Sometimes, they were looked on with envy or hatred. Even other shinobi sometimes despised Bloodline Limits…or that nonet of humans turned into monsters, or rather, prisons for monsters, often without having a say, even if they were generally too young to have a say.

These human prisons were known as _jinchuriki_ , a term literally meaning 'the power of human sacrifice'. They were prisons for the entities known as _Bijuu_ , or the Tailed Beasts, beings of pure chakra, massive beasts with calamitous power. How much power they had was generally denoted by the number of tails each beast had. And the most powerful was the _Kyuubi no Youko_ , or the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox.

Due to various circumstances, the various _Bijuu_ and their _jinchuriki_ were scattered all over the Elemental Nations. This was due to the actions of Hashirama Senju, the first leader or Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, better known as Konoha. But the _Kyuubi_ remained in the hands of Konoha, its wardens more or less secret from the populace at large. Until the third such _jinchuriki_.

Resentment had been building within elements of Konoha's leadership for some time. Not all of it, but the generation that had served under the first two Hokages, plus a few others, had resented the fact that the _jinchuriki_ that held the _Kyuubi_ hadn't been shaped into their idea of a weapon. In their eyes, the Senjus had coddled their _jinchuriki_ , Mito Uzumaki. And the Uzumaki clan had kept an eye on the next one, Kushina…at least until the destruction of Uzushio, a destruction that few realised Konoha had a secret hand in. But by that time, again, it was too late to shape Kushina Uzumaki to their own ends, especially once she caught the eye of Minato Namikaze, rising star of Konoha.

Still, the vultures waited, hoping there might come an opportunity. And when the _Kyuubi_ attacked while Kushina was giving birth to a son, the opportunity came. Minato died a hero, a martyr, using the Reaper Seal to seal part of the _Kyuubi_ 's chakra into his son Naruto. Kushina, officially, perished of wounds the _Kyuubi_ inflicted on her. And Naruto Uzumaki was condemned to a life where he would never know his heritage, or true affection, save for what anyone brave enough to help him or see past the reputation cultivated for him by Machiavellian minds did.

Most of Konoha viewed him with contempt and loathing, but did little more than use verbal and psychological abuse. But occasionally, idiots or drunkards would grow bold, and attack him. His birthdays were the worst: after all, he was born on the day of the _Kyuubi_ attack, and while officially those who attacked him were punished, too many within the authorities turned a blind eye. Not out of hatred, but perhaps for a worse reason: greed. They were hoping to shape a weapon out of Naruto Uzumaki by alternating between hatred and, from a select few, kindness.

There were some who genuinely cared for him. The owner of a ramen restaurant and his daughter. A pair of prodigies with the _Sharingan_ , one an Uchiha, the other not. A woman who was considered an outcast of the village herself because of her traitorous teacher. A few of the _jounin_ who might very well become Naruto's teacher one day. Some of the clan heads and their immediate families, including the Hyuugas, the Aburames, the Yamanakas and the Akimichis. But they were in the minority.

What wasn't known, however, was that Naruto had an imaginary friend, of sorts. Well, not so imaginary, but he wasn't to know that. And it was thanks to that imaginary friend that his life was going to take a turn for the better…

* * *

On the outskirts of Konoha was a manse. Once, it had belonged to the Uzumaki clan, but now, it had fallen into disrepair. Nobody was allowed in, and in any case, seals on the entrance blocked the way.

However, a trio of figures were gathered around the entrance, dressed in hooded cloaks. "I do not consider this a good idea," one of the figures said in a soft monotone.

"Shino, you never consider my ideas good ones," retorted another.

"Naruto, do you not think that this place was sealed for a good reason? And you think that following the instructions of a voice in your head is a good idea? It would be bad enough if it was the Kyuubi persuading you to undo the seal on your own body, but…"

Shino's look was matched by Naruto's sapphire blue eyes. "Why did they seal up my clan's compound, Shino? Why not allow me access to whatever's in it? Why not let me live there? Anyway…it wasn't just any voice."

"W-w-who's voice was it, N-n-naruto?" stuttered the third figure.

Naruto, after a moment, told them.

"But they perished in the _Kyuubi_ attack," Shino said quietly. "Then again, one should never count someone dead until you see their corpse."

The boy named Naruto nodded. "Exactly." He carefully placed tags showing symbols onto key parts of the seals on the doorway, with the tags fading into invisibility as he did so. After placing them, he stuck his hand through the door tentatively. He then indicated his companions to do the same. There was no problem, and he grinned. "I told you this would work. Now the three of us have access. C'mon."

* * *

Naruto led them through the dark and derelict manse, before they managed to find their way down some stairs, and into a strange room. One of the figures turned on a light switch, revealing a laboratory, lined with strange apparatus, along with stasis tanks and other things. The three children, for that's what they were, stared around in astonishment and awe.

They all appeared to be about eight years old. The one named Naruto had short, spiky blonde hair, sky-blue eyes, and whisker marks on his cheeks. The one named Shino(1) had a short mop of dark hair, and her eyes were hidden by dark glasses. Not many people outside her clan knew that she was a girl, though, as she frequently hid her mouth behind the high collar of a coat, and wore concealing clothing. The one named Hinata had the distinctive lavender-coloured and seemingly pupil-less eyes of the Hyuuga clan, along with dark blue hair cut in a short bob.

Of all the children his age or thereabouts in Konoha, Naruto was closest to these two. Shino was something of an outcast as well, due to her clan's jutsus involving parasitic insects within their very bodies. Not as much as Naruto, but she felt acute isolation. And for all her stiff reliance on logic and her rather pedantic way of thinking and talking, she desired friends.

The two were introduced by a mutual friend in the form of Hinata Hyuuga. Naruto had saved Hinata from some bullies, something that had endeared Naruto to the young clan heiress, who saw him as an inspiration to do better, to be tenacious in spite of the pressures placed upon her by the clan. Naruto foiling an attempt by Kumo to kidnap Hinata, albeit almost at the cost of his life, had further endeared him to Hinata, and to the clan. Indeed, most of the Hyuugas accepted Naruto, and gave him small kindnesses, although they disdained his obnoxious, attention-seeking attitude. Few knew of his parentage, but Hiashi Hyuuga and his brother were amongst them, and they decided to take a wait-and-see approach, to see if Naruto could mature, as well as bring the timid Hinata to the level of strength she would need as heiress.

These two weren't Naruto's only friends, but they were the ones he trusted most. Ino Yamanaka and Sakura Haruno, while decent enough to him, along with their parents (the Harunos treating Naruto more as an annoyance due to his pranks than being the _Kyuubi_ incarnate), were also two of the biggest gossips in Konoha and had a fixation on Sasuke Uchiha. Kiba was an annoying loudmouth. Shikamaru was lazy and apathetic (and his parents, unbeknownst to himself or Naruto, were willing participants in the plan to shape Naruto into a weapon), and Chouji was closer to Shikamaru than to Naruto. And Sasuke…well, he wasn't friends with Naruto.

Naruto, partly thanks to Hinata, was also friends with her cousin, Neji, but they weren't close friends. Neji, like most of the Hyuuga, tended to have a somewhat haughty, stoic air, though that softened a little around his father. And as for the few adults he trusted…well, he wasn't sure who to trust anymore.

"Is this one of Orochimaru's old bases?" Hinata murmured.

"While that is a possibility, look around," Shino said. She indicated spiral symbols drawn in various places, on the spines of notebooks and on certain equipment. "Unless he deliberately instituted a false-flag operation, this is more than likely to be an Uzumaki operation. Touch nothing."

There was a faint crackle of static, and then, a cheerful voice came out of speakers mounted on the walls. " _Suspicious, aren't you_ , dattebane? _But then again, that's understandable. That's a wise precaution to take._ "

Hinata jumped, emitting a squeak of surprise, while Shino frowned. "Where are you?"

"Shino, I told you, that's who I was hearing," Naruto said.

"Telepathy?" Shino mused.

" _Of course_ , dattebane! _Though this time, I can actually hear you guys, and I can use the PA system in here to talk to you. As for who I am…well, look in the only active stasis tank. I'm currently in cryosleep…theoretically. But Veronica allows me to be aware, at least now. It was how I reached out to Naruto._ "

Naruto, Shino, and Hinata walked over to the stasis tank that seemed active, given the slight coating of rime all over it. They wiped off the coating carefully, and stared at what was within: a young woman, beautiful, with long red hair, naked, and floating serenely in the refrigerated liquid. "What do we do?" Hinata asked.

" _Naruto knows. Come on, help me out._ "

Naruto nodded with little hesitation, and tapped buttons on a nearby control panel. The liquid drained swiftly, and the tube receded into the ceiling. The woman sagged to her knees, with Naruto and Hinata catching her before she fell completely, albeit with difficulty. They shivered at the cold feeling of the liquid. The woman they were holding opened her violet eyes to look at them, and smiled, only for her eyes to bulge, and she coughed up liquid, letting it splash on the floor. She choked, gagged, and retched up the fluid she had been breathing. After she had finished, she said, her voice slightly raspy, "That's not fun to do, _dattebane_."

"Why were you in there?" Shino asked.

"I was imprisoned in there…by someone who betrayed me, and his student, and his godson," the woman said. "He thought by freezing me in there, they'd have a handy source of Uzumaki DNA, not knowing that the tank was meant to infuse me with something else. While you were wrong about this being one of that bastard Orochimaru's labs, he would delight in researching what we have here. It has to be kept out of their hands at all costs. Thankfully, they haven't had the nerve to do anything more than seal what is left of our stockpile."

"Stockpile? Of what?" Hinata asked.

"The future. Micro-organisms. And in the wrong hands… _biohazards_. You are currently surrounded by what is left of Uzushio's research into micro-organisms that fell into our hands almost a century ago. Viruses, parasites, even fungi. The original owners were careless, but the information that came from another world suggested that this was hardly unusual." She indicated a faded symbol, of what looked like the top of an umbrella, with alternating red and white patches. "They wanted power, power to surpass that of the gods, but their hubris was even worse. They could have changed their world for the better with their research…but instead, chose to weaponise it. The Tyrant Virus, the God Virus, T-Veronica, Las Plagas, the C-Virus, the Mutamycete…all created as weapons, when instead, they could have made people so much better." She shook her head. "Sorry, I was distracted, _dattebane_. Anyway, it's past time I introduced myself."

"Can I do it, please?" Naruto said, all but bouncing up and down on his heels. On the woman's indulgent smile and a chuckle, accompanied by a nod of assent, Naruto said, "Hinata, Shino…this is Kushina Uzumaki! This is my mother!"

 **PROLOGUE ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So…that just happened.**

 **There'll be a timeskip to the beginning of** ** _Naruto_** **canon, so, shortly after the formation of the teams. The ages they should be at will be said to be about twelve or thirteen. The actual ages of this trio, however, will be another matter entirely…**

 **We'll explain more about the circumstances involved later. However, keep in mind a few things. Firstly, that Orochimaru has little idea of what Uzushio was sitting on. Secondly, Konoha had some idea, but never got their hands on the Umbrella (amongst other organisations: the Mutamycete was developed by HCF, and was only seen in** ** _Resident Evil 7_** **) stuff, though most of it they would have preferred to destroy anyway (they're bashable in this story, but even Danzou isn't stupid enough to use some of the Umbrella-style bioweapons). Thirdly, Naruto is going to be on Team 8, while Kiba will be on Team 7 instead. Fourthly, this will be a harem fic, with Shino and Hinata at the minimum. The only other person I'm considering adding at the moment is a female Haku, maybe a female Gaara, and MAYBE Sakura, once she gets over her Sasuke fangirl nature. Finally, there won't be any** ** _Resident Evil_** **characters in this universe. There'll be references, yes, but Wesker isn't going to make an appearance any time soon.**

 **1\. On some quick research, it seems that 'Shino' is a unisex name, or at least has been used for girls in Japan, so I decided to keep the name.**


	6. Bugs and Bounties Chapter 1

**Now, this one is going to be an unusual entry into _The Forbidden ANBU Files_ , given that this is not a _Naruto_ fanfic at all. It's a _One Piece_ fanfic. The reason why I decided to post it here, however, is that it has a crossover element from _Naruto_ , albeit not enough to qualify it as a proper crossover.**

 **I've been considering how to do a _One Piece_ fanfic for the past little while, and I've been discussing possibilities with mellra, even considering using elements from their challenges. The problem was trying to do a fic where Luffy isn't too OP, so choosing the right crossover elements and/or Devil Fruit was actually quite hard. I also wanted to do a story where Luffy is actually smart (I HATE dumbarse _shounen_ manga protagonists), met Nami earlier than in canon, and didn't have a dream to be King of the Pirates. I didn't want him to be a Marine, so I decided he would be a bounty-hunter instead, like Zolo was before he ran afoul of Morgan. Doing all that, and keeping it recognisably _One Piece_ , was a bit of a chore, and I went through a few iterations before I decided on this one.**

 **I eventually decided that the Devil Fruit Luffy ate in this story gives him abilities not dissimilar to that the Aburame Clan from _Naruto_ have, with elements of the Pain from _Metal Gear Solid 3_. Hence why I posted it here, given the Aburame elements. I do intend to do a _One Piece_ fic sooner or later, covering at least the events of the East Blue Saga. And while Luffy's abilities may change before I post the full story, I intend for it to have a similar plot.  
**

 **Incidentally, before I continue, while the Devil Fruit Luffy was to consume was originally meant to be a Logia, the Swarm-Swarm Fruit in this story is more of a 'pseudo-Logia'. It's closer to a Paramecia in some regards, but it has the damage-negating ability of a Logia, with Luffy turning into a swarm of insects.**

 **With that in mind, enjoy...**

* * *

 _ **BUGS AND BOUNTIES**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **THE NAVIGATOR GIRL AND THE BUG BOY**

The orange-haired girl cursed as she struggled to keep the small boat from capsizing as the Sea King attacked. She was regretting coming so close to Dawn Island. She was hoping she could come ashore at Foosha Village, wait out the massive storm she knew was coming from her preternatural skills in meteorology, and then head back out to sea once it had passed. Instead, she had to contend with this damned oversized ornery eel that seemed set on making a meal of her, even though she doubted she would be anything more than a mere snack to it. But then again, logical arguments were lost on beasts like these, as well as many pirates…or Marines, for that matter.

As the massive creature decided it had enough of her trying to evade it, it reared up over her ship, its maw open in a snarl. The girl dived desperately out of the way, but the force of the impact sent her flying. Not into the water, but then again, hitting one's head on the rail wasn't that much better, seeing as it only delayed the inevitable. And the impact all but bifurcated the boat, ensuring that, even if the creature didn't kill her, it would sink, consigning her to a watery grave. After all, a concussion was not conducive to swimming, even if she was close enough to shore to warrant it…assuming she didn't have a monster hungry for human flesh after her, anyway.

Through swimming vision, darkness eating at the edges, the girl watched as the massive Sea King peered down at her, ready to gulp her down. Tears trickled from her eyes as she thought of her sister and those in her town. Those that she had failed, leaving to the not-so-tender mercies of a monster, and the Marines said monster had bribed into looking the other way. All those dangerous thefts from pirates…for nothing. She had a legion of regrets that were going to follow her into oblivion.

Suddenly, there was a yell of, "Swarm-Swarm: Stinging Death Cloud!" A cloud of insects suddenly swarmed all over the monster attacking her, and it thrashed and snarled. To her horror, she saw welts appearing all over the monster, before it spasmed and subsided, sinking below the waves. Presumably stung to death by a swarm of wasps or bees or whatever the hell those were. There was the thump of feet on the deck near her, and she found herself looking into a face looking at her in concern. A boy, about her age, with dark hair and eyes, wearing a battered straw hat on his head, and with a scar just below his left eye. "You okay?" he asked.

"Head hurts…" the girl moaned. Not an intelligent thing to say, admittedly, but she was in pain and concussed, so she could be excused.

The boy nodded, before moving over to the damaged part of the hull. "I'll have to get you to shore." With that, he picked her up gingerly and put her into a dinghy alongside her now-sinking ship (presumably how he got over to her), and then, getting her valuables into the dinghy too before it sank.

Unfortunately, the girl, while not normally one to faint, had a rather nasty concussion, combined with sheer nervous tension, so soon, she slipped into the dark embrace of unconsciousness…

* * *

Consciousness drifted tantalisingly through her mind, and it took the girl a while to realise that she was still alive, and capable of recognising that fact. However, it was the smell of soup tugging at her nostrils that confirmed it. She wasn't sure they served soup in the afterlife, or at least not in Hell. Not unless the damned were amongst the ingredients, anyway. And she could hear the sound of rain and the rumble of thunder.

Her eyes flickered open, to be greeted with the boy from earlier, smiling gently. "Hey, you're awake," he said, his smile widening. "I'm glad about that."

The girl blinked. She hadn't always been welcomed so warmly, even by non-pirates. But he seemed well-meaning. So she offered a tentative smile of her own. "Me too." She winced as a spike of pain jabbed through her head.

"You'll probably have to stay here for a few days at least, if not more," the boy said. "Aside from the concussion you got, well, the Lord of the Coast wrecked your boat. I managed to save your stuff, though."

The girl fought down an understandable surge of panic. If they discovered her hoard of coinage, the monies she needed to pay off that monster…would they let her keep it? And she realised that someone had dressed her in pyjamas…suggesting that someone had seen her tattoo. With an effort, she calmed herself down. The boy then said, "The doctor said you might have memory loss or something from that knock. You…do remember your name? What you were doing recently?"

"Of course I do," the girl said.

"Well, what's your name then?"

"Why don't you tell me yours first? You're a stranger."

"Oh, sorry. I'm Monkey D Luffy," the boy said with a grin. "And what about you?"

"…I'm Nami."

"That's a nice name," Luffy said, with a sincerity that seemed oddly endearing to Nami. "I'm sorry if I scared you with what I did earlier."

Nami blinked. Thinking back to what happened, she thought about it, before she said, "You didn't, I was just…astonished and surprised. Let me guess…a Devil Fruit?"

His smile widened. "Yep! Ten years ago, I ate a weird Devil Fruit, one nobody really knew what it'd do. A couple of people think it might even be a Logia! I've been meaning to use it on the Lord of the Coast for a while, but I've been training to master my powers, and, well…" His face fell briefly, before it brightened again. "Gramps would probably call that a field test or something like that."

"Gramps?"

"My grandfather, Monkey D Garp," Luffy said.

Nami felt a chill at those words. This boy was the grandson of Vice-Admiral Garp? One of the strongest, if not **_the_** strongest, Marines in the world? She hoped she was mistaken, and that he meant another Garp.

Something must have shown on her face, because he moved to reassure her, patting her hand gently. "Hey, don't worry. Gramps and I don't agree on a lot of things. Anyway…I saw you in trouble, so I decided to see if I could save you."

Nami gave him a shaky smile. "Thanks for helping me, Luffy," she said, surprisingly sincerely.

"Shishishishi…no problem!"

"So…what is the Devil Fruit?"

"It's called the Swarm-Swarm Fruit. It turns my body into a hive for insects that exist in…what's that word Woop Slap used? Symbiosis! Yeah, symbiosis with me. I can even turn my own body into a swarm of insects." Then, he looked at Nami. "You're not freaked out by that, are you?" he asked, concerned.

"A little," Nami admitted. "But you saved my life, so I can't complain." Which was the truth.

Luffy grinned. "I'm glad."

"You said that you managed to save my belongings?"

"Yep. Your supplies and chest are safe with Makino. She'll make sure nobody puts their dirty mitts onto it."

Which was oddly reassuring, though Nami was understandably wary of allowing her hard-won monies to remain in unfamiliar hands. But there wasn't much she could do about it under the circumstances. "So, am I in Foosha Village?"

"Yep. What brings you here?"

"Well, I knew a storm was coming. I needed to find land, obviously, and, well, I headed here. But that damned monster attacked." A crack of thunder overhead punctuated her point, and she winced. "I don't want to get caught out in that."

"I don't think anyone wants to be out on the open ocean during a storm," a young woman said, bringing in a bowl of soup. She had dark hair and wore a bandanna and an apron. "I'm glad to see that you're awake. How do you feel?"

"Like something passed through a shark's guts," Nami muttered.

"You're lucky to be alive. The Lord of the Coast doesn't normally bother larger vessels, but smaller ones…Luffy's been meaning to deal with it for some time."

"Nami, this is Makino. Makino, this is Nami," Luffy said, introducing them. "Makino works here at Partys Bar."

Makino placed the bowl of soup, and the tray it was on, onto Nami's lap. Nami, after a moment, began spooning the soup into her mouth. She had to admit, it tasted good. "Thank you," Nami said.

"You're welcome. Luffy, look after her for the moment. There's customers coming in, especially with the storm, so it's going to be busy."

* * *

As Makino left, Luffy looked at Nami as she gingerly fed herself. Makino had taken Nami's clothes off, and dressed her in spare pyjamas (she had Luffy leave the room for that, having him go and have dinner), though that did little to conceal the size of her breasts. She was rather beautiful, though Makino had remarked, in passing, about the strange tattoo she had seen on Nami's left shoulder. A pretty face, albeit somewhat pensive at the moment, framed by orange hair.

After she finished her soup, Nami put it aside, and then looked at Luffy thoughtfully. Luffy was, occasionally, clueless when it came to how some other people felt…but he knew she was worried. Had there been something precious on the boat that had sunk? Did she have someone waiting for her to come home? Of course, he tried to remedy that in a somewhat blunt manner. "So, Nami, what were you doing sailing around alone?"

Nami looked shocked at the question, and a small part of Luffy, the most sane part of his mind, kicked himself for being incredibly tactless. After a moment's consideration, Nami said, "I'm…what you might call a pirate thief. Pirates steal from others, and, well, I relieve them of their ill-gotten gains. I was between jobs when that storm hit."

"So…you steal from pirates?" Luffy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah. Why? You have a problem with that?"

"Depends on the pirates, really," Luffy said. "I mean, some pirates are nice guys. About ten years ago, Red-Haired Shanks used this village as a port. My hat once belonged to him, and, well, he saved my life from drowning. Lost his arm to the Lord of the Coast. And he took my eating the Devil Fruit he intended to sell rather well, though he at least had the Gum-Gum Fruit left to sell. But others…once, I wanted nothing more than to be King of the Pirates, find the One Piece Gol D Roger left behind. But what do I want to do as a pirate other than that? I've actually been thinking of becoming a bounty-hunter, like Roronoa Zolo. I mean, I don't want to become a Marine. My gramps put me off that. But being a bounty-hunter…well, it means freedom, plus, I can still become the best, while getting rid of the pirates who hurt people. I can really rake in the Berries that way. Plus, I can still look for the One Piece anyway."

He noticed that Nami had become thoughtful at this. "So…you don't have a problem with me stealing from pirates who hurt other people?"

"Pfft, of course not! Even when I wanted to be King of the Pirates, I wanted to beat guys like those up! People who take over a town, terrorise the people while the Marines do bugger-all! Yeah, I heard the stories." Luffy blinked when he saw that Nami's eyes were glistening with tears. "Umm, Nami, are you all right?"

Nami didn't answer him. Instead, she said, "Luffy…do you mind if you leave me alone for a bit? Please?"

"…Okay. I'll get Makino to come and check in on you later," Luffy said. "I'll see you later, Nami…"

* * *

As the boy left, Nami began weeping quietly, thinking of her village, the village Arlong had turned into his own personal base. She thought of her mother, murdered by Arlong, and of her sister Nojiko, still living in fear. She thought of that useless, corrupt bastard Nezumi, that Marine Arlong had bought off. And she thought of Arlong, that monstrous bastard of a Fishman who had turned her into his slave, making maps for him to use.

Luffy had, albeit inadvertently, reopened those wounds, though these were wounds that never truly healed. But the way he spoke of such situations…even as she wept, Nami realised that she might have a potential ally, one with powers and a desire to stop Arlong.

The question was, though, could Nami bring herself to ask for his help?

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **That is, indeed, the question.**

 **So, there you have it. A smarter Luffy with a different Devil Fruit and different ambition, and a chance encounter with Nami that could lead to something more. Yes, we're sailing the good ship Luffy/Nami.**

 **Now, for a bit of explanation for the Swarm-Swarm Fruit. I had a lot of ideas for this story, including considering taking up one of mellra's challenges, ranging from making Luffy into a Saiyan, to giving Luffy a Devil Fruit that seemed like it had powers like the** ** _Kamui_** **ability of the** ** _Mangekyou Sharingan_** **from** ** _Naruto_** **. I eventually decided on this, another Naruto power usage: namely, the insect abilities of the Aburame Clan, albeit with elements from other characters, like the Pain from** ** _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater_** **. And while Luffy does have the Kikaichu of the Aburames, he also has other insects at his command.**

 **No numbered annotations for this chapter.**


	7. Dulce Periculum Chapter 1

**I have to apologise before posting this. I don't think I'm going to be posting this story as a full story any time soon. I'm mostly posting this because of the interest in the prologue. And don't get me wrong, the challenge I based this story off was interesting, and I will try to return to the concept of a Naruto/Shino pairing, possibly as part of a threeway relationship with Hinata. But I lost interest in this story, I'm sorry to say, so I'm posting this chapter for archival reasons. Hope you enjoy it anyway.**

* * *

 _ **DULCE PERICULUM**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **TEAM 8**

 _Three years later…relatively speaking_ …

Naruto tried to keep the grin off his face as he waited for Iruka to finish his little speech. Iruka looked a little beaten-up, but that was understandable, given what happened last night. That traitorous bastard Mizuki had tried to con Naruto into stealing the Scroll of Seals after graduating. Naruto only played along because it meant getting some extremely interesting jutsus. He already knew the _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ thanks to his mother's tutelage, the Shadow Clone Technique being a better clone technique than most. But there were others ready to be copied. And thanks to Veronica and those time-dilation seals his mother taught him, he had swiftly copied the scroll's contents down.

Naruto had graduated, but Mizuki had come up with some stupid excuse that stealing the scroll was part of a test to fast-track potential _chunin_. Naruto pretended to buy that, but he hadn't meant for Iruka to get involved. He hadn't liked Iruka at first, and the feeling was mutual, but he had grown to trust the scarred teacher, even if he couldn't trust him enough. Out of all of Konoha, aside from what his mother had dubbed the 'Veronica quartet' (herself, Naruto, Shino and Hinata), they only trusted five other people in Konoha with their secret: Kakashi Hatake, Kurenai Yuuhi, Anko Mitarashi, and Hiashi and Hizashi Hyuuga.

Of course, outside Konoha was another matter. Then again, there were only two that they trusted with that information: Tsunade Senju, and her assistant and protégé Shizune. Tsunade was furious to learn what had happened. She had thought Kushina dead, and didn't know about Naruto, or his burden. She instantly opted to become Naruto's godmother after learning he had none, and his godfather had betrayed them.

And what had happened on that night that the _Kyuubi_ had rampaged across Konoha? Well, after Minato had used the Reaper Seal, a dying Kushina was spirited away by Jiraiya. The Uzumaki compound was nearby, and Jiraiya knew of the laboratory, even if he didn't know what it was for. He shoved Kushina into a stasis tank, but not before bragging about the plan he had worked out with his teacher, Hiruzen Sarutobi. Kushina was barely conscious, but had heard him, and had sworn vengeance on him. Jiraiya had pointed out that she was dying, and the moment she was released from the tank, she would perish. She was only being put into the stasis tank because they might need another sample of Uzumaki DNA. He then sealed the compound so that it could only be opened, by him, from the outside.

At least until Kushina taught Naruto how to break those seals.

And how did she gain a telepathic link with her son? Well, Jiraiya messed up considerably. He didn't know it, but the stasis tank was primed to infuse a dose of a virus into the person placed into it. The virus was actually a hybrid of a virus known in another world as T-Veronica, and another derived from a virus called Progenitor. Both viruses had been used by megalomaniacs to gain power: Veronica by Alexia Ashford, and the Progenitor derivative by Albert Wesker.

These viruses, along with many other such pathogens and data to use them, accidentally fell through a rift in space in Uzushio decades ago. They had been experimenting with seals for space-time jutsu, only to accidentally open a rift. After translating and reading the documentation, they were horrified by what they had summoned. But they were also shinobi, and thus pragmatists, and they knew that using these viruses could help them survive.

To use the Tyrant Virus or T-Virus was wholly out of the question. Its effects, creating an army of zombies, was too horrifying, especially as it could backfire, turning on the users. And the G-Virus, with its tendency to create mindless monsters who mutated into even more grotesque forms, was also rejected. The viruses would be modified in a manner that could improve their shinobi without side effects, but never did they once contemplate unleashing the viruses on another nation.

The same went for Las Plagas, a parasitic organism that granted its hosts enhanced durability, but at the cost of their sentience. The versions of Las Plagas that allowed a host to keep their sentience were considered, though. The same went for T-Veronica, though that needed an incubation period within cryostasis, a period that was reduced to days instead of the years originally needed. More promising was the Progenitor derivative that they dubbed the 'Wesker Virus', which granted extremely high speed and endurance. Indeed, many Uzumaki had used this virus, albeit suitably modified. Kushina was one of those who didn't, but that was partly because it was unknown what would happen to a potential _jinchuriki_.

As it happened, nothing at all. Naruto held a combined version of Veronica and the Wesker Virus now, as did Shino and Hinata. Kakashi and Kurenai had also received said virus, as had Anko. What was more, Naruto could also speak with the _Kyuubi_ , and had done ever since receiving the hybrid virus. Their relationship, at first, was somewhat fractious. But of late, Naruto and Kurama, as the fox's name truly was, had come to an accord.

Of course, a secret almost on a par with that of the virus Naruto and his friends held was the fact that they were much older than they were meant to be. Kushina had used a special time-dilation seal, one of the most secret arts of the Uzumaki clan, to help train the trio, especially Naruto, whose education had been partially sabotaged. True, he was something of a dunce at times, but he learned in different ways. And it also meant training to get stronger, and to be able to use their abilities to the fullest. Although they had seals making them seem like they were still twelve or thirteen, they were actually sixteen now. Not only that, but they were at a skill level most _chunin_ and even a few _jounin_ would envy.

 _You know, I'm excited. I'm glad we're on the same team_ , Naruto sent to the others.

 _So am I, Naruto_ , sent back Hinata, her gentle smile evident in her voice. While Hinata was still a gentle soul, her timidity had been reduced to minimal levels, and her competence with the Gentle Fist was approaching a par with her own father.

 _Kurenai and Kakashi colluded to give us this opportunity, remember?_ This was Shino.

 _Yeah, yeah, we know. By the way, did you like my present for your birthday?_

Naruto stole a glance, and noticed the faintest of blushes on Shino's cheeks, hidden though they were by her high collar. _It was an inspired choice_ , Shino sent back to Naruto. _The rare insects from the Land of Iron were most interesting_.

 _Mum helped me there. You know she's been travelling all over, trying to look for threats to us, and to the good people of Konoha_ , Naruto said. _Anyway, bugs are cool. It's a bit irritating that Mum freaks out over some of them, though. Then again, given her bad run-in with the Kamizuru clan(_ _1)_ _, I guess she's got some reason to be freaked out by wasps and bees_.

 _I do not mind, especially given that the Kamizuru are our sworn enemies_ , Shino said. _And Kushina was considerate in sending those insects to me alive and in excellent health. You seem strangely enthusiastic about acting as a secondary hive to my_ Kikaichu.

 _Hey, I don't mind. I've got chakra to spare thanks to Kurama_.

A deep, dark voice echoed through their minds. _Do not take My munificence for granted, human_ , Kurama said. _You may be a strong host, fitting for My magnificence, but remember your station._

 _Don't be like that, Kurama_ , Naruto said. _We're a team. Besides, you loved it when I spiked Sasuke's water with that laxative._

 _Your words ring true. Making an Uchiha suffer is always a worthy pastime in My opinion_. The ancient fox entity chuckled. _Still, most of those fools here are falling over themselves to curry favour with the boy, hoping that he will be favourable with them in turn. But the Uchiha clan have a sense of entitlement beyond most humans, and what trauma the kinslayer did to this brooding blinkered boor only magnified what issues were already present. Mayhap if the kinslayer did no such thing, this Uchiha whelp would be perhaps remotely tolerable._

 _Psychology is hard to pin down_ , Shino offered. _Humans, even the Uchiha, react differently to the same trauma. Some break apart, others are forged into stronger beings. And others become so hard, they become brittle. I'm sure the moment Sasuke is of age, they will pair him up with any willing mates and have him producing offspring._

 _Thank goodness your mother negotiated with our parents_ , Hinata remarked, shuddering inwardly. _I don't know what others see in him._

 _I do. Dark, mysterious, brooding…and in addition, the Uchiha clan are perceived as strong thanks to their_ Sharingan _and mastery of various techniques, as well as their ties to the founding of Konoha_ , Shino pointed out. _There are many potential attractive aspects to Sasuke, but to anyone with a sane outlook, the problems outweigh the benefits._

 _Which is why we're together, right?_ Naruto asked.

 _True. Your willingness to be friends with me in spite of my_ Kikaichu _hive played a considerable role. We Aburame are viewed with considerable unease at best, and at worst, with revulsion. And your dedication to entomology was surprising at the time._

 _I got bored, I needed a hobby, and bugs are cool and interesting. Enough said. Anyway, you look good when you don't have all those layers on. You both do. You're both smart, lovely, and strong_ kunoichis. _What isn't there to love_ , dattebayo?

Hinata giggled, while Shino merely blushed. _Incidentally, I heard the team line-up while we were talking. Looks like Kakashi and Kurenai pulled through after all. We're going to be Team 8 together._

 _And Sakura's on her team with Sasuke and Kiba_ , Hinata mused. _I feel a little sorry for her. She's nice enough when she isn't swooning over Sasuke or yelling at you for your pranks, Naruto. But between Kiba being loud and Sasuke being cold…_

 _Yeah. I mean, I used to have a bit of a crush on her, but…I think we're better off just friends. She needs to find someone better than Sasuke, though. Even Shikamaru or Chouji would be better_ , Naruto remarked. _Hell, even that Rock Lee guy would be better. You know, Neji's teammate_.

Hinata giggled, and even Shino smirked slightly. The thought of Sakura getting together with the eccentric Rock Lee, the protégé of the even more eccentric Might Guy, was amusing. But as eccentric and hard-working as Rock Lee was, he had a good heart. Neji spoke well of Rock Lee and his other comrade, Tenten, high praise from the usually-reserved Hyuuga. Naruto had, through Hinata and thus Neji, become friends with those on Team Guy.

* * *

They went to lunch, before going back to await their _jounin_ sensei. Naruto took the opportunity to warn Sakura and Kiba (Naruto didn't like Kiba, but he didn't hate him per se) about Kakashi's habit of being late. Sakura decided to go and fetch a book to pass the time.

After lunch, they soon had their teacher arrive. Kurenai Yuuhi was a tall woman with tresses of dark hair framing a beautiful face with crimson eyes, the effect only serving to enhance her beauty rather than make her sinister. She wore clothes that looked like it had been made from bandages, or broad strips of cloth. Though young for a _jounin_ , Kurenai was a noted prodigy in the realm of _genjutsu_ or illusion techniques. She fetched them, and then took them to a nearby training area, underneath some trees, and in the afternoon, it was rather relaxing, even peaceful.

Via telepathy, thanks to Veronica, Kurenai said, _We know each other already, but we'll do this for appearances sake. There's at least one ANBU member watching on, and the Hokage will doubtless be watching via his crystal_. After they acknowledged her over the link, she said, "Good afternoon. I am your sensei, Kurenai Yuuhi. Hinata knows me, but for the sake of getting to know each other, let us introduce ourselves. I would like to hear your name, likes and dislikes, hobbies, and any dreams for the future or ambitions. I'll start us off. I am Kurenai Yuuhi, and I am 27 years old. I enjoy refining my skills and those of others, quiet drinks with friends, and collecting artbooks to help with my _genjutsu_ imagery. I detest perverts, those who look down on _kunoichi_ , and shinobi who discard their humanity for power. My hobbies are developing new _genjutsu_ , socialising with my friends, and helping others. My dream is to become as renowned in the realm of _genjutsu_ as Tsunade is in medical jutsu(2)." Her red eyes went over to Shino. "You're next."

Shino nodded. "I am Shino Aburame. I am 12. I like entomology and open-minded people. I detest those who kill insects out of reflexive repulsion and close-minded people, as well as the loud, with one exception. My hobbies are cataloguing insects and collecting new specimens for my collection, as well as spending time with my friends. My dream is to find a novel species of insect."

Kurenai smiled, before indicating Hinata. "I am Hinata Hyuuga, and I am 12. I like spending time with my friends." She stole a glance at Naruto, and blushed slightly. "I also like red bean soup and cinnamon rolls. I hate the Caged Bird Seal within our clan, as well as bigots. My main hobby is flower-pressing. My dream is to find a way to abolish the Caged Bird Seal that divides my family, as well as…" She stole another glance at Naruto. Both Naruto and Kurenai chuckled at her blushing.

Kurenai then indicated Naruto, who then said, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm 12! I like spending time with my friends, ramen, especially at Ichiraku's, pranks, and learning new jutsus! I hate close-minded idiots, especially those who can't tell the difference between a sealing scroll and a weapon in it. My hobbies are pranks, and helping my friends! My dream is to become the Hokage one day, though I wouldn't mind becoming as powerful and renowned as the _Sannin_ as a consolation prize, _dattebayo!_ "

None of these declarations were lies by any means. But they had lies of omission, though the four present knew about them. However, for the sake of deceiving those looking on, they needed to keep up appearances. Kurenai nodded. "You three are all quite interesting, and you have been noted for your closeness, which was part of the reason you were chosen for this team. That being said, I do have some bad news for you. You're not _genin_ yet."

"Why not?!" Naruto yelled, though he knew full well. He just had to act out a role.

"You have to undergo a final test. The exams in the academy are designed to weed out the egregiously-hopeless cases. This test is more to find out whether you truly have what it takes to become shinobi of Konoha. All _genin_ , save for those apprenticed under special circumstances, undertake a test that is devised or chosen by the _jounin_ supervising them. And make no mistake, these tests have a failure rate of two thirds. There is a good reason for that too. Better to ensure quality teams make the cut than to foist unprepared teams into missions that they may die on."

They knew this. Kurenai, Kakashi and Kushina had told them this already. Naruto didn't like it, but he also knew that, whatever Kurenai cooked up, he would be willing to take it on. "When and where do we take the test, Kurenai-sensei?" Shino asked.

"Tomorrow morning at eight o'clock, at Training Ground 16. Do not be late, and don't forget to eat breakfast. You'll need the energy. And be prepared to bring your A-game." Telepathically, she sent, _Just make sure it's nothing a_ genin _shouldn't know, a few things aside. No using Veronica powers or removing those seals. We'll save that for the field. I'm not giving you any hints as to what my test will be, though. It has to be somewhat fair…_

 _Don't worry, we'll try our best, Kurenai_ , Naruto said. _Where's Kakashi?_

 _I'm here. I'm doing some observations of my new team_ , Kakashi said. _I'm sorry I didn't get to teach you, but…_

 _We know_ , Kurenai said. _Pressure from above to focus on the Uchiha, especially once he unlocks his_ Sharingan. _Got to love politics. I hope you're not reading Icha Icha at this moment._

 _No. Just observing how my team interacts. Sasuke's closed off and brooding like it's for the Chunin Exams, as expected, Kiba's very impatient, and Sakura…well, I'm sure that by the end of it, she'll be annoyed at me being late too, though at least she brought a book._

 _Naruto warned her about your habitual tardiness_ , Hinata said.

 _Oh, spoil my fun, why don't you?_ Kakashi pouted over their connection.

Naruto snickered. _You can always use the Thousand Years of Death on Sasuke._

 _I would, but I might get splinters from the stick he has up his arse._

 _We need to focus_ , Shino sent. _Less crudity and more strategy. We need to be ready for any attention from unwanted corners, especially when we start unveiling our true skill._

 _And there's the Akatsuki to worry about_ , Naruto mused. _I hope Mum's mission works out. Otherwise, things will get more complicated than they need to be_ …

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **I think that's a good point to stop this chapter. We'll head to Kushina's little mission involving the Akatsuki in the next chapter.**

 **Now, we'll discuss the time dilation seals in a later chapter, but Naruto, Shino and Hinata are now 16.**

 **Also, some of you might be wondering why I wrote Kurama the way I did. Well, back when I did my Potterverse crossover** ** _Sins of the Father_** **, I wrote Kurama almost like he was Smaug from** ** _The Hobbit_** **. In fact, I was inspired by Benedict Cumberbatch's performance as the evil dragon in the film adaptations. I wanted him to have a somewhat more old-sounding diction, along with an arrogance that makes him show his high opinion of himself. I thought it was good enough to keep here, as it gives Kurama some more characterisation in the earlier stages of** ** _Naruto_** **that he never gets. He doesn't really get much development until much later in the manga, I think. He is haughty and arrogant here, but he at least has, if not a friendship, then something of an accord with Naruto.**

 **1\. The Kamizuru clan are from the anime, but I decided to add them in partly because the backstory does add some richness to both the Aburame clan and Iwa. One of the criteria for the challenge was that Kushina needed to be afraid of at least one sort of bug, so I decided on bees, particularly those of the Kamizuru.**

 **2\. Kurenai's introduction is a hybrid of her official data book information (she enjoys certain types of alcoholic drinks, so that's why I put in the 'drinks with friends'), as well as her introduction in** ** _Master of Jiongu_** **by The Dark Dragon Emperor. The same goes for the introductions of Hinata and Shino.**


	8. Kunoichi and Tanuki Chapter 1

**I thought it'd be easy: do an AU of _Observations of a Wannabe Kunoichi_ , but shipping Sakura with Gaara, with Haku dying on the bridge. Sadly, it didn't work out. I have decided, albeit with a heavy heart, to abandon and archive it. So, here are the extant chapters. Sorry...**

* * *

 _ **KUNOICHI AND TANUKI**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **GHOSTS OF THE PAST, SHADOWS OF THE FUTURE**

 _It was the bridge again, in Wave Country, wreathed in eerie mist, laden with the chakra and killing intent of Zabuza Momochi, the infamous Demon of the Bloody Mist. They had been fighting to save Tazuna, the bridgebuilder, from the assassins hired by Gato. Sakura and Naruto had just learned that Haku had deliberately put their comrade, Sasuke, into a death-like state. And now, Haku seemed to be resigned to his death._

 _Haku chuckled with hollow mirth. "My master has no use for weak shinobi such as myself. Therefore, I have no reason to live. You know something of my story, Sakura. I lived my life shunned, unwanted, and unloved after my father learned of my bloodline limit. Only Zabuza saw it for something other than something to fear. I became his tool, to strike where it was needed. But now, I am a blunted tool, of no use to him."_

 _Sakura stared at Haku. She remembered how isolated Naruto was…how isolated Sasuke had made himself._

 _Eventually, Haku finished his work. "He will come to shortly, though he will be unable to fight. Now, I have one last request." He closed his eyes briefly, trying to make himself serene. "I want you to kill me. Either of you."_

 _"That's crazy!" Naruto snapped. "Are you so used to being the best that you can't take a single defeat?!"_

 _"Naruto!" Sakura snarled, before saying to Haku, "There's more to your life than being Zabuza's minion, Haku! You're better than him! You're not disposable!"_

 _Haku gave her a look, before he said, "You're not disposable, Sakura. You're a one of a kind bloom. And you, Naruto…we have a certain kinship, you and I. But in order to finish your mission, you'll have to bloody your hands. I hope you can forgive me that much."_

 _Naruto grimaced, gathering himself, before he said, "Sakura…give me some space, please."_

 _Sakura nodded, before she moved Tazuna and herself a little further down the bridge. They heard a pained yelp of surprise from Zabuza. Then, soon, they heard the crackle of electricity, and saw a strobing, crackling light. Haku seemed to notice it too, just as Naruto had psyched himself up to kill the androgynous teenager._

 _As Naruto lunged, kunai in hand, Haku seemed to resolve himself, a hardness coming into his eyes. He intercepted Naruto's attack. "I'm sorry, Naruto, but my usefulness isn't over."_

 _As he dashed away, Sakura was frozen, if only in sheer shock. What was he doing? Was he going to sacrifice himself to save Zabuza? By the time she realised she could have used her_ Hikariton _to blind him, prevent this, it was too late. She heard a wet, meaty squelch as Kakashi's attack hit home…and then Kakashi's gasp of surprise and Zabuza's dark chuckle of delight. Haku had sacrificed himself to intercept Kakashi's attack, and stop his monstrous master from dying._

 _The mist soon cleared. Gato and his small army of ronin were waiting at the end of the bridge. Haku's body was not far from where they were. Even as words were exchanged between Zabuza, Kakashi, Gato and Naruto, Sakura stared into the dark orbs of Haku's eyes, dead and glazed over. But even with the androgynous boy's spirit gone, his eyes still seemed to speak._

You could have saved me, you know, _they said_. But then again, nothing is forever. Only death is permanent. Nothing is forever except what you did to me(1)…

* * *

It's a cliché of fiction that, after waking from a nightmare, one sits bolt upright, screaming. In fact, it is rare, but it can still happen. And Sakura Haruno was doing just that, screaming like the banshee some of her classmates had called her.

The dreams of Haku's demise had haunted her since their return from Wave Country. That, and Naruto becoming a berserker under the influence of the _Kyuubi_ locked within him. Sometimes, she had nightmares of him ripping her apart with his clawed hands.

Mebuki Haruno opened the door to her bedroom. "Another nightmare, honey?" she asked, concerned.

Sakura nodded, mutely. Nothing more needed to be said. A faint moue of concern touched Mebuki Haruno's lips before she left her daughter alone with her thoughts.

* * *

The Haruno clan, while mostly composed of civilians, did have shinobi within them. Kizashi and Mebuki Haruno were both shinobi, and so understood something of what their daughter went through at Wave Country. But even with good intentions, they couldn't keep the nightmares and dark thoughts at bay.

It wasn't just Zabuza, Haku, and Gato (not to mention the plutocrat's mercenaries) who died that day. Sakura was sure that she had seen something die within Sasuke, a boy she had admired and had hoped she was friends with. Instead, she had seen him grow colder. Not long after they had arrived back in Konoha, when she had tried to reach out to him…

* * *

 _"Stop wasting my time, and yours," he said coldly. "I'm trying to train."_

 _"We're worried about you," Sakura replied. "We all are."_

 _"I don't care. If you are worried about me, get to training. Your skills were pathetic."_

 _This barb had struck home. She may not have contributed the most, but she had helped a lot more than she could have. "Whose jutsu had saved us from the Demon Brothers and Zabuza during the first fight? Who tried her best to help you and Naruto when you were trapped in Haku's mirrors?" she had demanded angrily._

 _"You didn't try hard enough," Sasuke sneered. "You're just a wannabe kunoichi. You know_ _ **nothing**_ _, fool."_

 _Those four words in particular struck home. She remembered what he had said before, that she knew little, but it was better than knowing nothing. Now, it seemed like that concession to her was being thrown back in her face. Bristling with rage, she said, coldly, "Yes. I am a fool. A fool to have ever considered you a friend, or even a comrade. Then again, that's what being an Uchiha entails, doesn't it? Once you get the_ Sharingan _, you don't need friends or family or comrades. All you need is your stupid_ doujutsu _. Well, have fun with that. And I pity the girl who thinks she's won your heart, because_ _ **you don't have one**_ _." And with that, she slammed the gate to the Uchiha compound shut, and stormed away._

* * *

Had she made a mistake in not trying hard enough to reach out to him? Maybe, but how could she stand being around him a minute longer? Kakashi had suggested reaching out to him, but all it had done had made matters worse…

Of course, her friendship with Naruto hadn't suffered. Indeed, shortly after her argument with Sasuke, she had encountered him taking Hinata on a date. She actually thought Hinata was rather lucky, though it was Sakura who had helped them get together. Naruto was annoying, loud, and obnoxious, and was frankly a bit of an idiot. But he also had a good heart and was immensely loyal to Konoha, despite the attitudes of the villagers. She had actually grown to like Naruto. Not enough to like him as much as she did Sasuke, but even so, their loyalty to each other on Team 7 was without doubt.

"You'll be heading off on another C-Rank mission today," her mother said as they ate breakfast. "Are you feeling up to it?"

"I've no choice, really," Sakura said. "I swore to Haku that I would do better. So did Naruto."

Mebuki smiled rather sadly. "It's a shame I never got to meet Haku. He may have been Zabuza's apprentice, but he sounds like a nice young man. A shame he was your enemy."

Sakura nodded, and found that part of her forehead he had kissed itching again. It often itched when she thought of Haku…

* * *

At Training Ground Three, Sakura met Kakashi at the cenotaph. He gave no acknowledgement of her presence, beyond a gentle nod. Here he was, mourning Rin and Obito, his late team-mates.

She came here to mourn Haku. She couldn't go to his actual grave, in Wave. She remembered Naruto swearing on Haku's grave to follow his own shinobi path. And she had made her own solemn vow to try and find her own.

 _Hello, Haku_ , she thought to herself. _I hope this reaches you, wherever you are. I know you won't end up in Hell with your master. There was something too pure about you for that to happen, even with your chosen path. I really wish I could have gotten to know you better. You didn't deserve the life that was inflicted on you, full of pain and misery, where you had to become a patricide in order to survive. No child should have to kill their own father, let alone because of something that wasn't your fault. I'm still trying to find my path, though. But I intend to find it_.

She didn't expect a reply. And soon, Kakashi's hand descended on her shoulder. "Come on, Sakura, the others will be waiting at the gates."

Sakura nodded, and as they walked away, she said, "It doesn't get easier, does it?"

"Killing sadly does. But seeing your friends and family die? No. It never does…"

* * *

A couple of weeks later, they got back to Konoha after an arduous mission. It had gone somewhat awry, not as bad as Wave Country, but Naruto had to get bailed out, and Sasuke was getting even moodier. Kakashi had made a remark about their teamwork that had set the two boys at each other's throats, and Sakura despaired. Only she noticed that Kakashi had left them.

Sasuke left them both, going off to brood. "What is wrong with that jerk?" Naruto snarled.

Sakura sighed. "How long a list would you like? Naruto, he's getting further away from us. We're meant to be a team."

An uncharacteristically pensive look came over Naruto's face. "Yeah…I know. I try so hard…and I have no problems with you and Kakashi-sensei…but Sasuke himself…"

Their meeting was short lived, as Naruto spotted a box, painted crudely to look like a rock, crawling towards them. Said box contained none other than Konohamaru, as well as two of his friends. Sakura thought him somewhat bratty, and unfortunately, a bad choice of words sent Sakura chasing after them down the streets of Konoha.

Unfortunately, said chase led Konohamaru to run into someone. Someone who picked the Hokage's grandson up and threatened him.

As she panicked, Sakura looked at the person threatening Konohamaru, as well as the girl standing next to him. The boy threatening Konohamaru was dressed in a baggy bodysuit with vaguely cat ear-like protrusions on the top, and he wore some sort of elaborate make-up as war paint. A package wrapped in cloth hung from his back.

The girl had blonde hair styled with a quartet of stiff ponytails, dark eyes, and a sardonic demeanour. Sakura was sure that the folded thing on her back was a massive war fan. Both had headbands (the girl wearing it on her sleeve) with a stylised hourglass on them, the symbol of the Village Hidden in the Sand, Suna.

Sakura gathered herself, and addressed the boy. "Please, let the boy down. He is the grandson of the Hokage, and I am sure that you don't want to provoke an incident that will affect our villages' alliance."

"C'mon, Kankuro," the girl said. "If she's telling the truth, just let the brat down."

The thus-named Kankuro let Konohamaru down with a snarl. "Annoying little shrimp."

"Enough, Kankuro," came a voice from above. Sakura found her eyes drawn to a nearby tree. She noticed Sasuke sitting up in it, but he wasn't the one who spoke, and judging by the startled look in his eyes, he hadn't noticed the speaker until now either.

Said speaker was hanging upside down from the underside of a tree branch by his feet, an impressive feat of chakra control. He had short red hair, green eyes ringed by darkness and vaguely dead-looking, and with a massive gourd on his back. Completing the bizarre picture was a tattoo of the symbol for 'love' on his forehead. "You are an embarrassment to Suna, Kankuro."

"Gaara, I…" stammered Kankuro.

"Silence. Or you die." The threat was delivered in a flat tone, but all the more chilling for that. And Sakura felt a veritable windstorm of killing intent from the boy. Suddenly, in a swirl of sand, Gaara disappeared, only to reappear in front of Sakura and Naruto. "My apologies for my brother's actions." The apology didn't seem that sincere.

"As long as there wasn't any harm done," Sakura said, as Sasuke hopped down from the tree. "But tell me, why are you here? Suna are our allies, true, but even you guys need travel documentation, and a reason for being here. You're either on a mission, or…" Her eyes widened. "The Chunin Exams?"

"Bingo," the girl said, pulling out her passport. "I guess someone in Konoha has a brain. I'm Temari of the Desert. The idiot brother is Kankuro of the Desert, and the happy brother is Gaara of the Desert."

That sounded familiar. She remembered her reading on the Elemental Countries, and particularly Suna. 'Of the Desert' was the surname given to the children of the Kazekage. "…You're the Kazekage's children?"

Temari whistled, though whether her impressed state was a façade, Sakura didn't know. "Well, we're here for the Chunin Exams. I'm sure you know what they are."

Sakura nodded. "So they're holding them in Konoha this time. Well, the best of luck to you."

Temari got a smirk. "Well, let's just say we won't need luck. We'll find our own way to the hotel. Be seeing you."

As the trio of Suna _genin_ left, Sasuke frowned. "That redhead…that was a lot of killing intent he showed. And he's got a glare like a basilisk. He would have killed that idiot in the jumpsuit and makeup. And the thing is, I didn't sense him when I was up in the tree. It wasn't until he made himself known that I noticed him."

"Is it me, or did he seem like an insomniac tanuki or something?" Sakura mused. "And what's with that gourd? I don't think he's carrying it for the sentimental value."

Sasuke scoffed, and began to walk off. "Nothing sentimental has value," he said, as he walked off to be by himself. And thus ruining the day.

* * *

Usually, the only thing filling Gaara's mind was the voice of his mother, or rather, Shukaku, the One-Tailed Tanuki _Bijuu_. But he had found himself intrigued by the Konoha _genin_. The dark-haired, dark-eyed one was probably the last Uchiha, judging by the clan symbol the teenager wore. The loud, blonde-haired one wearing the conspicuous orange eyesore seemed vaguely familiar somehow. And the pink-haired girl? She looked like someone who chose dieting over training…until you saw the intelligence in those green eyes, and the calluses on her hands.

Still, it was idle speculation. He was to be the weapon of Suna when their invasion of Konoha was to come to pass. He was to help raze the village to the ground, and thus establish the supremacy of Suna. And to prove his existence irrevocably…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS NO JUTSU!:**

 **Well, here's the start of the AU. Those of you who have read** ** _Observations of a Wannabe Kunoichi_** **will note segments copied and pasted from chapters 14-16. A lot of this story will be written from Gaara's perspective, so that I avoid retreading the same ground as the original.**

 **1\. This is an altered quote from the novel** ** _Diamonds are Forever_** **, when Bond imagines Mr Wint's eyes saying something along these lines.**


	9. Kunoichi and Tanuki Chapter 2

_**KUNOICHI AND TANUKI**_

 **CHAPTER 2:**

 **ON THE CUSP**

" _I've nominated you for the Chunin Exams._ "

That had been the bombshell Kakashi had dropped on them yesterday. A bombshell that had left Sakura, and indeed Team 7, in a daze. She knew that both Naruto and Sasuke would sign up, even with a moment's hesitation. But her? Well, not so much. Between what happened in Wave and her own doubts, not to mention what she saw of the competition, she didn't know whether she was truly ready, despite Kakashi's faith in them, a faith she didn't share. In fact, out of all of Team 7, she felt that Naruto was the only one remotely ready. Sakura was feeling insecure, and Sasuke's teamwork was leaving a lot to be desired of late. They had a week to sign up.

As it stood, she wanted advice. And the day after Kakashi sprung this on them, as she wandered the streets of Konoha, she wondered who she could speak to. Her parents were ambivalent about her going into the Chunin Exams so soon, and Kakashi was the one who nominated them, so they were out of the picture. So, who could she talk to for honest advice?

As it happened, she saw someone at a bench poring over paperwork, muttering sullenly. She was someone Sakura had asked for advice before, a woman who, while she might not understand quite what she was going through, might still be able to offer a good perspective. An outcast of sorts, but someone who understood the trials and travails of being a _kunoichi_ better than most in the village.

"Hey, Anko!" Sakura called.

The young woman in the provocative clothes, consisting of little more than a tan trenchcoat and miniskirt over a mesh bodysuit, looked up sharply, before she smiled a little. "Hey, if it isn't Sakura Haruno. I heard on the grapevine that the Scarecrow nominated you for the Chunin Exams."

"Yeah, he did. I actually wanted to talk about that with you."

"Well, you'd better not ask me about specifics of the Exams," Anko said. "I'm proctor for the second stage of the Exams, so it's not fair for me to let anything slip."

"No, no…I'm asking more for general advice. Not for any hints about how to pass."

"Well, sit right down, girl," Anko said with a grin. As Sakura sat down next to the older _kunoichi_ , she asked, "So, what's eating you?"

Sakura took a moment to gather herself together, before saying, "I'm not sure I'm ready. For the Exams, I mean. I heard people die in them. And the thing is, after that whole debacle in Wave, I'm not sure that I'm ready to go through with them."

"Yeah, I heard about that. One of the benefits of being a proctor is that I get to review some of the mission profiles of the Konoha candidates. Basically, that lush of a bridge builder lied about it being a C-Rank. Turned out to be an A-Rank, 'cause Zabuza and his little helpers were against you. The Uchiha brat got turned into a pincushion, the Uzumaki brat went berserk, and you got to see your first corpses. Being a _kunoichi_ , you're going to be seeing plenty more. You still want to be a shinobi, right?"

"Yes, I do…I just think that I'm not ready for the Chunin Exams. And it's not that I saw someone die…I saw someone die who shouldn't have had to."

"That Haku kid with the bloodline limit?" Anko asked. "Yeah. Shame you two were enemies. He shouldn't have had to deal with the shit he did, but that's what you get when you have Kiri torn apart by whether bloodline limits are bad or good." She peered at Sakura. "His death hit you pretty hard, didn't it?"

"Amongst other things. I'm worried about Sasuke, that he's isolating himself even more…"

"Ah. Say no more." Anko looked around the streets of Konoha. "From what I heard, you used to have a thing for the Uchiha. Personally, I reckon he's been spoiled rotten by the village ever since Itachi iced his family. And what Itachi did screwed him up real good."

Sakura nodded, thinking back to when Sasuke confessed that Itachi had put him under a traumatic _genjutsu_ known as _Tsukuyomi_. Eventually, she said, "He called me a wannabe _kunoichi_. And, well, as much as I hate him for that, I'm not sure he's wrong."

"Hey, Sakura, look at me." When Sakura did look at Anko, the young woman was all concern and compassion. "All _genin_ are wannabe shinobi when they first graduate. Few realise the realities of our world, even if they come from the big clans. You're kids, brats, wet around the ears. You're what, twelve? Thirteen? Not old enough to drink or do any fun adult stuff, and yet, you're old enough to kill…or be killed. And keep in mind that during the Shinobi Wars, we had even younger _genin_. The Scarecrow you call a teacher made _genin_ at six years old. And while he may be a lazy pervert, Kakashi's actually quite a good judge of character and ability. If he thinks you can make it through the Chunin Exams, then he's got good reason to. Remember, he was in the frigging ANBU. That meant a lot of spying and recon. He knows how to read people. I mean, there's no guarantee that you'll make _chunin_ , but he must have some faith in you to nominate you."

"Even so…" Sakura murmured, "I don't."

"Look, don't sweat about what the Uchiha said. Think about the Chunin Exams as the best opportunity to prove him wrong. Besides, how many people can say that they managed to blind Zabuza Momochi?" Anko concluded with a grin.

It wasn't exactly a reassuring thought, but it was better than nothing. Sakura still wasn't sure whether she wanted to enter the Chunin Exams, but she appreciated Anko's encouragement all the same. As she stood, she said, "Thanks, Anko." As she made to leave, a thought occurred to her. "Actually, I have one last thing to ask you. Where can I get some really good senbon? And perhaps poisons?"

Anko raised an eyebrow, before grinning. "Ooh, quite a few places I can tell you about…"

* * *

Not long after getting senbon, Sakura went to a bookshop to pick up a book on poisons. While she wouldn't be anywhere near Haku's level, and so couldn't use them to hit any vital points to either kill or simulate death, she knew that senbon could be coated in poisons.

As she entered the bookshop, one of her favourite haunts, she found that one of the customers there, one that everyone else was giving a wide berth, was Gaara, that rather intimidating shinobi from Suna. He was currently perusing a botany book. He was standing in front of the section that she needed to get to, so she said, quietly, "Excuse me," and reached around him to pluck her book from the shelf. She felt a slight thrill at being so close to Gaara, though she didn't know why. Unless it was the fact that the redhead radiated killing intent like the Sun radiated light and heat.

As she took the book she wanted, she heard Gaara mutter, "Why? Why didn't it stop you?"

"Huh?" Sakura asked, looking at him. He was looking right at her with those dark-rimmed green eyes of his. "Sorry, I had to reach around. I didn't want to disturb you. You like botany?"

"I like plants. I cultivate cacti at home," Gaara said(1).

"Well, my friend's family owns a flower shop. Maybe they have some plants you might like."

Gaara stared at her, intently, before turning, and taking the book to the counter, silently handing over the money for it. Sakura payed for her own book. As they left the bookshop, Sakura asked, "Well? Would you like to see the flowers?"

"…Yes." Gaara looked at her, before saying, "You were the one who stopped my fool of a brother from attacking the Hokage's grandson. The other day, I did not get your name, or that of your comrades."

"Oh, sorry. I'm Sakura Haruno. The one who was in the tree with you was Sasuke Uchiha. And the blonde in the orange clothes was Naruto Uzumaki. We're part of the same _genin_ team. You're Gaara, right?"

Gaara inclined his head as they began walking the streets of Konoha. "I haven't heard of the Haruno Clan."

"We're not really a ninja clan, although we have produced ninja on many occasions," Sakura said.

"Civilian," Gaara said, though there was no contempt. It was more like a dispassionate labelling.

"I guess you could say that. But even a civilian can make a good shinobi if they train hard enough."

Gaara gave a small grunt, apparently of affirmation. Eventually, he said, "The Uchiha…how strong is he?"

"Sasuke? He's the Rookie of the Year in our class. Skilled with ninjutsu and _taijutsu_. Beyond that, I really shouldn't tell you. I mean, we are your opponents before long, after all."

Gaara gave her a look that suggested anyone other than Gaara himself was an opponent, as far as Gaara was concerned. "What about the loud, blonde one?"

"Naruto? Lots of chakra reserves, and enthusiastic."

After realising she wouldn't say any more, he then said, "And you?"

" _Genjutsu_ , mostly." A bit of a lie, but why mention her _Hikariton_ ninjutsu she developed? "What about you and your siblings?"

After a moment, Gaara said, "Temari is an expert with a battle fan. Kankuro…I believe he would not appreciate me spoiling the surprise. As much as I hate him, I do love the looks on people's faces when they realise what he is capable of."

Sakura thought back to the package, remembering what looked like fur or hair sticking out. And it was about the size of a person…and then she remembered one of the things Suna shinobi were famous for. "A puppet user…so that's what that package was he carried." She smiled. "Don't worry, I won't tell." Unless it was a friend going up against Kankuro.

A faint smirk twitched at Gaara's mouth as he halted. "As for me…" The cork in the gourd on his back popped out, dispersing into sand, sand that joined with sand flowing from the gourd. Sand that moved and writhed like a living thing.

"My God…" Sakura murmured quietly.

"My name can mean Gaara of the Sands, not just Gaara of the Desert. I have full control over the sand. Try to touch me, if you can."

Hesitantly, Sakura reached out…and touched Gaara's shoulder. He seemed as confused as she did that she had managed to touch him. Eventually, he said, "Throw a punch, then."

"Really?" She then threw a punch as hard as she could…only to have it impact on a wall of sand that erected itself almost instantly. She shook her hand, wincing. "That's harder than it looks."

"It responds even without my conscious will to any threat to me," Gaara said. "Perhaps that is why you could touch me earlier. It usually responds. But it is not just an impenetrable defence. It can be used to restrain a foe with the Sand Coffin, or crush them in whole or in part with the Sand Burial."

"That doesn't sound like anything I'd want to get caught in," Sakura muttered. Names like 'Sand Coffin' and 'Sand Burial' sounded ominous, to say the least.

Gaara looked at her curiously, appraising her. But the silence grew too thick, and Sakura, foolishly, tried to end it. "I'm sorry if this is a personal question, but…why do you have the symbol for 'love' on your forehead?" she asked.

He blinked, before his gaze became somewhat steely. "I put it there myself, after my…uncle died."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't want to rake up bad memories…"

"You did so anyway," Gaara said bluntly. There was, curiously, little reproach in his tone. "My uncle was trying to kill me. So I killed him."

"Oh." And with that, it had become officially awkward. Eventually, she said, "Let's keep going, right? The Yamanaka Flower Shop is not far."

Gaara, after a moment, nodded, the sand going back into his gourd, and the cork reforming itself. As they continued on, Sakura tried to break the ice once more. "You don't get much greenery out in the desert, do you?"

"No. Ours is a harsh clime. Cultivating cacti is one of my few hobbies that gives me pleasure." Gaara seemed a little confused as to why he was saying this to Sakura.

"Well, we all need our little hobbies," Sakura said with what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

They reached the Yamanaka Flower Shop shortly thereafter, and Ino herself was there at the door. "Hey, Sakura! I…hey, who's this?" the blond _kunoichi_ asked.

"Ino, this is Gaara of the Desert, the Kazekage's son. He came to peruse your plants."

"An honour to meet you, Gaara," Ino said with a polite bow. "Are there any plants or flowers you would want in particular?"

"Any that can be grown in arid climes," Gaara said.

"Well, I'm sure we can find something for you," Ino said with a smile. As Gaara walked in, Ino looked at Sakura. "Is there something wrong? Sasuke's been scowling more than usual, and I saw the way he looked at you once."

"We had a fight. He called me a wannabe _kunoichi_ , Ino," Sakura said quietly. "If you want to risk it, he's all yours. I can work with him as a comrade, but…I find Naruto better company than him."

"Okay, I understand. Must be pretty bad, then. Still, did you just snag the Kazekage's son?"

"Ino, this is like the second time I've met him! Besides…he's scary." Cute, Sakura added privately, but scary. Still, he was interesting at least. As Ino went off to help Gaara find something, Sakura wondered why she had gone out of her way to help Gaara. He was, after all, from a different Hidden Village, and there was something lethal about him.

Maybe Naruto was rubbing off on her more than she thought. He didn't really need a reason to help people. And given that Gaara had been targeted for death by his own uncle, not to mention that bleak, blank look in his eyes, she had to wonder how many people had given him a helping hand just out of altruism.

Still, if she was going to enter the Chunin Exams, she hoped that she wouldn't have to face him. Her hand was still bruised from punching that sand barrier, and his other techniques sounded intimidating…and lethal.

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS NO JUTSU!:**

 **And here you have it, the real beginning of the divergence. Anko being a guide, and Sakura and Gaara meeting again by coincidence. Now, most of the following chapters will be through Gaara's point of view, as I have covered most of the Chunin Exams from Sakura's point of view in** ** _Observations of a Wannabe Kunoichi_** **. Also, Gaara and Sakura's dialogue was partly copied and pasted from Chapter 23 of that work.**

 **1\. According to official data (presumably from one of the companion books) on the Naruto Wiki, one of Gaara's hobbies is cultivating cacti. I decided to expand that a little to an enjoyment of botany.**


	10. Kunoichi and Tanuki Chapter 3

_**KUNOICHI AND TANUKI**_

 **CHAPTER 3:**

 **UNDER PRESSURE**

The next morning, Sakura went to the cenotaph once more. Not to pray to Haku, to ensure his soul was kept from perdition, despite the sins of his master. No, she needed to talk to Kakashi.

Kakashi was there as usual, standing in front of the memorial stone. For a time, he gave no acknowledgement of her presence, before finally turning to face her, his one visible eye switching quickly from sorrow to his usual cheerful mask. "Ah, Sakura, did you get lost on the road of life too?" he asked.

"I guess you could say that," Sakura said. Actually, now that she came to think about it, that excuse seemed to be his best. Kakashi had many regrets, and often got lost thinking about them, mentally lost, anyway. "Kakashi-sensei…how did it feel going through the Chunin Exams for the first time?"

"I'm probably the wrong person to ask that, Sakura," Kakashi said, his cheerful demeanour once more replaced with solemnity. "I had a lot to prove. My father was disgraced because he chose his friends over the mission, and committed suicide to expunge that dishonour. Even so, I went out of my way to prove him wrong, being a stickler to the rules on a mission. I was a prodigy for many reasons, but a big part of it was to try and distance myself from my father's dishonour. This was in spite of him being perhaps one of this village's greatest shinobi. While one does go into the Chunin Exams to prove one is ready to advance…I did it also to prove I was better than my father."

Sakura fell silent at that. Eventually, Kakashi said, "I have to admit, at times, even I was a little scared. I smothered that fear. And I was even younger than you three when I took those exams. But I felt older. And I felt the burden of restoring what I believed to be the honour of the Hatake clan. In a way, I can sympathise with what Sasuke wants: to restore his clan's honour, as well as repopulate it. But there are many paths to restoring honour." Kakashi sighed. "I'm sorry, Sakura. As I said, I'm probably the wrong person to ask."

"That's okay. I…I just thought you could help."

"Sakura…I have faith in all three of you to be able to get through this. Yes, Team 7 is not as cohesive as it should be, but sometimes, pressure makes diamonds."

"Or garbage more compact," Sakura retorted(1). "I have no problem working with Naruto…but Sasuke…"

Kakashi nodded. "Anko told me you approached her the other day. Sakura, I'm not blind to my faults as a teacher. I have tried my best to get through to Sasuke. But he's increasingly isolating himself. And many parts of the council are pandering to him. As the Uchiha clan were one of the two founding clans of Konoha…despite Madara Uchiha and Hashirama Senju battling to the death, they held…no, they still reside on a pedestal for many. And with Sasuke the sole survivor who seems loyal to Konoha, many have put him on a pedestal. Of course, others are either envious of the Uchiha, or resentful. Some of the issues are not without reason: given the copying ability of the _Sharingan_ , they were often accused of being unrepentant thieves of jutsus." After a moment, Kakashi, after debating with himself, eventually said, "And then, there are the Eyes of Betrayal. The _Mangekyou Sharingan_."

Sakura frowned. She had never heard of that. " _Mangekyou Sharingan?_ A Kaleidoscope _Sharingan?_ "

Kakashi turned to face her, and said, "What I am about to show you is not to be discussed, save with myself or the Hokage." He carefully raised his headband, revealing the _Sharingan_ implanted within. Then, to Sakura's astonishment, it changed form. Instead of the three comma-like _tomoe_ , it resembled a strange, three-armed pinwheel. A triskelion(2), the word popped into her mind. Kakashi only let it show for a couple of seconds, before the _Sharingan_ changed back to normal.

"…Is that a _Mangekyou Sharingan?_ " Sakura whispered in awe.

"Yes," Kakashi said, putting the headband back into place, and facing the cenotaph once more. "They call them the Eyes of Betrayal, as the Uchiha believed that to obtain them, one must kill a friend or relation. I personally believe that this is far from true, that it is the trauma of loss that awakens it rather than the act of killing someone close to you. Stress and trauma often unlock bloodline limits, after all."

"…You got it after killing Rin, didn't you?" Sakura asked, remembering Kakashi talking about his comrade, and how she, in order to stop the _Sanbi_ within her from rampaging, put herself in the path of his _Raikiri_.

Kakashi nodded silently.

"…How powerful is it?" Sakura asked.

"Frighteningly so. I remember Sasuke mentioning that he talked to you about _Tsukuyomi_ , the ultimate _genjutsu_ that Itachi used on him. I have never used it, but I know something of its power: the ability to create a powerful illusion where time within it runs slower than outside it. A few seconds pass in reality, but in the illusion, it can take hours or even days. It can be used for the most brutal mental tortures. As I am not an Uchiha, and have not been privy to their secrets regarding the _Mangekyou Sharingan_ , I only know a few of its powers. However, I do know its drawbacks. It places a massive drain on chakra reserves, even in Uchiha…and continued use destroys one's eyesight. That is perhaps the only consolation to us, that Itachi Uchiha will eventually go blind, a massive handicap for any shinobi."

"He deserves worse," Sakura muttered. "For destroying Sasuke's happiness least of all. It's thanks to Itachi that Sasuke's the way he is now."

"Mostly that, yes. But the Uchiha have also often had something of a superiority complex thanks to the _Sharingan_. That feeling of superiority was one of the few things Sasuke had left to fall back on when his psyche was devastated by Itachi's _Tsukuyomi_. And the idiots in this village who encouraged that only made it worse. Sasuke is bent on becoming an avenger. And that singular focus may be his downfall." Kakashi looked down at his right hand. "Have I ever shown you my _Chidori?_ "

"No. You told me about it and the _Raikiri_ , and you used the latter on…" Her words caught in her throat when she remembered Haku, impaled on Kakashi's hand, his beautiful face a dead, impassive mask. The mouth drooling blood in an imbecilic manner, not at all like the calm and gentle grace of Zabuza's ally.

"Quite," Kakashi said. "The _Raikiri_ is basically an enhanced version of the _Chidori_ , so for the sake of this analogy, assume they are the same. While immensely powerful and immensely fast, it also imposes a kind of tunnel effect on one's vision. In other words, one is open to attack from the sides. In fact, the _Sharingan_ I possess negates that tunnel effect. But my point is that the _Chidori_ 's singular focus is both a strength and a weakness, just as Sasuke's obsession with revenge is. It will mean he will be blind to threats, perhaps even wilfully so, if they help him with his vengeance." Kakashi sighed. "You and Naruto work so well together, which throws my failure with Sasuke into sharp relief. I'm hoping the Chunin Exams help bring the three of you together. And you three are still able to work together in most circumstances, despite the current tensions. But the decision to enter these exams is yours. While I know Naruto and Sasuke will jump at the chance to do this, I know you have doubts. So…just remember, I have faith in you, Sakura. You have a better mindset than many other would-be _kunoichi_. You know you actually impressed me a little by doing research on me just before we met? Only a couple of prospective _genin_ ever bothered to check the Bingo Book. And, of course, uniting Naruto and Sasuke to pass the Bell Test. I'll be blunt: without you, Team 7 does not exist. Without you, there is no glue holding Naruto and Sasuke together, save for bonds of rivalry."

"…No pressure, then?" Sakura asked wryly, to cover her anxieties.

"Not at all," Kakashi said, equally wryly, with a smile on his face, hidden by his mask.

Sakura decided she wanted to think about her decision some more. She did have her duty to her comrades, after all, and Kakashi's praise did help. So she changed the subject. "Kakashi-sensei, what do you know about the children of the Kazekage?"

Kakashi seemed nonplussed by the change in subject. "Hmm. I heard from Naruto that you met them, and you intervened to stop Konohamaru Sarutobi from getting hurt. Are you curious?"

"Particularly about one of them. The youngest. Gaara."

"Ah, I see." Kakashi became thoughtful. "I don't know much about them, frankly, though I do know that their mother perished shortly after giving birth to Gaara. I do know that the daughter, Temari, is an accomplished battle-fan user, and Gaara is known for his sand-based jutsus. It is rumoured he has gone on a number of high-ranking missions, and hasn't gotten injured during a single one."

Sakura paled. At first, she thought it impossible. But then, she remembered his sand barrier. "That must be why," Sakura mused.

"What must be why?"

"He has a sort of automatic defence, like living sand that bars any attacks," Sakura explained. "Actually, the odd thing was, when I met him yesterday, reaching around him to get some books, he seemed confused. He seemed confused also when he asked me to touch him, and nothing happened. Then again, he did say it reacted to any threat against him. Maybe it was because I didn't threaten him, at least not until he told me to punch him. Then, that barrier went up, and it was _hard_."

"Hmm. An unusual jutsu, but Suna shinobi are noted for Earth jutsus as well as Wind. And many powerful shinobi of Suna have been known to use _Jiton_ or Magnet jutsus, including two Kazekage and a rogue shinobi from Suna known as Sasori, and they can use that to manipulate metal dust. Though if it is pure sand, it'd be more of an Earth jutsu." Kakashi shrugged. "Try to avoid him during the Chunin Exams, then. Try to avoid all three of them. Suna's shinobi-training is harsher than ours, though not quite as badly as Kiri, and their shinobi are more ruthless."

"Gaara looked like he hadn't slept a wink for ages." Sakura giggled, despite herself. "Poor boy looked a little like a tanuki." She then sobered. "Then again, maybe he can't sleep for nightmares or something. He said that his uncle tried to kill him. I wonder what drove his uncle to try and kill a kid?"

"Sadly, there are as many possible reasons as there are shinobi in Konoha," Kakashi remarked. "To have that happen may have caused some sort of psychological damage."

Sakura blinked when she heard Kakashi say that. Gaara told her that he got that tattoo of the symbol for 'love' after his uncle died trying to murder him. And then, she remembered that the name Gaara could literally mean a 'self-loving demon'.

That revelation sent a shiver down her spine, though she wasn't sure why. What sort of parent would call their child that?

* * *

Gaara held no illusions as to what he was. He was a demon who could only love himself, as others held no love for him. Not his uncle, not his father, and certainly not his siblings. He would allow that Temari at least showed something other than fear and bravado towards him: she at least cared a little for his welfare. But was that love? He doubted it.

And yet, that girl Sakura…she had gotten past the sand. She had shown little fear. Okay, she didn't know what he was, but even those who didn't feared him. He could taste the sour and salty stench of fear on the wind whenever he was around people. But she had gone out of her way to help him. Be nice to him.

Shukaku seemed curious about the girl as well, in between the rantings of how the beast would crush her and sup on her blood. After all, anyone who could get past the sand was a novelty. Few could, even if they didn't have any apparent ill-intent.

She had even led him to a friend who turned out to have quite the stock of plants that would do well in the desert. Why would she do that for a stranger? Suna and Konoha were (nominally) allies, but he would be a potential opponent in the Chunin Exams, if she entered. Why treat him like a friend?

It was an enigma, and an aggravating one at that. But all the same, there was an intrigue, something that drew his attention in more ways than just annoyance. Which was why he had asked Temari and his _jounin_ instructor (more like a dog handler, given the way Suna treated Gaara) Baki to inquire discreetly about the girl and her team.

Baki came back first, and his information was drier than the desert sands back home. What Gaara was given were facts. Admittedly, one of them was impressive, as she and her _genin_ team had survived and completed an A-Rank mission (originally a C-Rank that went sour) successfully. While Gaara had gone through such missions, he had the advantage of Shukaku and his sand. Then again, their teacher was Kakashi Hatake, the infamous Copy Ninja, though one of their opponents was none other than Zabuza Momochi, one of the most infamous rogue ninja to ever come from Kiri.

Temari was rather more successful, though she looked like she wanted to tease Gaara for having a crush. Which he did not, and she knew that he would have taken such an insinuation poorly. Wisely, she held her tongue. Her information was perhaps a bit more colourful and less clinical than Baki's, and while that meant accuracy might not be as good, Gaara found it a bit more palatable.

"Apparently she's already created two brand new jutsus, namely _Hikariton_ ," Temari said.

"Light Release?" Baki asked, frowning. "Do we have any details?"

"I spoke to that annoying brat in the orange jumpsuit," Temari said. "He was all too happy to brag about his teammate once I said I liked ramen. I think he once had a crush on her, but he's still enthusiastic. He only said about one of them, though, that it emits a massive blinding flash of light. Like a flash bomb, only much stronger. Anyway, she's a physical weakling compared to most shinobi, but she's pretty good with her mind and her jutsu." Temari shrugged. "That brat Naruto, though, he may seem like an idiot, but he may be one to look out for. He's got enough chakra to pump out Shadow Clones, enough to make his own little army."

Kankuro scoffed. "That brat? Impossible!"

"Hey, he showed me that he knew how to make them at least," Temari said. "Made one right in front of me. And the _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ is practically _jounin_ level. He'd need massive chakra reserves at his age to pull even one off."

"If he's actually an Uzumaki, that's hardly surprising," Baki said. "The Uzumaki were known for three things: their _Fuinjutsu_ , their longevity, and their immense chakra reserves. And the third one? Was he an Uchiha like we thought?"

"Yeah. The last loyal Uchiha in Konoha, though Naruto didn't think highly of him. Sasuke Uchiha. The Uchiha is powerful, but has a major chip on his shoulder," Temari said. "What's more, he's already got at least a partial _Sharingan_. Anyway, we know that that team will probably go into the Chunin Exams: Naruto seemed raring to go into it, like an idiot, and he said his _jounin_ sensei wanted him to go into it."

"Either Kakashi has really lost his edge, or he's really confident his students can make it through," Baki mused.

"It doesn't matter," Gaara said. "They aren't powerful enough to stand up to me. If they interfere, Mother will drink a deep draught of their blood."

But even as he uttered that threat, or rather, a proclamation of fact, something about his statement didn't ring true for some reason. Maybe it was because she had treated him like he was normal, more or less. Or maybe because she had aroused his interest.

He didn't like that uncertainty. And things he was uncertain of, he crushed, until they reached that one indisputable state of certainty: death…

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS NO JUTSU!:**

 **More of Sakura and Kakashi, and some more from Gaara's point of view. There might be one last chapter set prior to the exams. Otherwise, I'll head straight to them, but do them from Gaara's point of view.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Kay-Chan** **: It's hard to write Gaara's point of view. I decided to write him as someone who is not always unhinged, but has this animosity to most. He's actually more confused by Sakura being able to get by his sand. If someone is not being an overt threat to his existence, then he will tolerate them, I feel. And as she is being helpful, he's not going to kill her for shits and giggles, not at this time. He knows better than to kill someone with impunity in an enemy village, unless they have done something to piss him off (like Lee managing to 'challenge his existence', or Dosu actually wanting to kill him).**

 **Duner89** **: He did. And as for his siblings' reactions, I think it will be Kankuro who will have that reaction more than most. Temari would either think Sakura doomed, or think 'Oh, thank God, he actually has a girlfriend who isn't scared of him'.**

 **1\. A reference to a Dilbert cartoon I once read.**

 **2\. A triskelion is an actual thing. Triskelion-like shapes are on the flags of Sicily and the Isle of Man, and is a common symbol used by many organisations and communities. I thought Kakashi/Obito's** ** _Mangekyou Sharingan_** **was like a triskelion, hence the description.**


	11. Kunoichi and Tanuki Chapter 4

_**KUNOICHI AND TANUKI**_

 **CHAPTER 4:**

 **COMORBID CURIOSITY**

It had been all too easy, Gaara reflected. True, the Chunin Exams would be daunting for the weak in mind and body, or at least those unprepared for it. The First Exam was, from an objective point of view, an interesting exercise in both intelligence gathering (in order to cheat to get the answers) and withstanding psychological intimidation. Gaara was resistant to the latter, but he had to admit, the proctor, Ibiki Morino, was a master. He had even been intimidated, albeit very slightly.

He had also taken the time to scout out the competition. He noted a number of _genin_ teams from Konoha, the hosts, and while appallingly weak by his standards, many of them used a number of interesting methods to ace the test. He was intrigued to note that Sakura Haruno didn't appear to cheat at all, instead seeming to know the answers. He noted members of some of the more prominent clans in Konoha: two Hyuugas, an Aburame, an Inuzaka, an Akimichi, and someone he was sure was a Yamanaka. He also knew that the _genin_ who had talked to Haruno's team, Kabuto Yakushi, was working with Orochimaru, the man who was allied with Suna for the upcoming invasion. He found it odd that Kabuto allowed the Oto _genin_ to attack him with impunity, before deciding that the spy needed to maintain his cover.

The Second Exam was perhaps more interesting: a survival test in the ominously-titled Forest of Death where they needed to retrieve a matching scroll from another team, possibly in a battle to the death. He found the bloodlust radiating from the proctor, Anko Mitarashi, interesting, though he was baffled by that which came from the androgynous Kusa shinobi.

Even so, he found the Second Exam somewhat…tedious in reality. Partly because he had to deal with his siblings. Temari was tolerable, but Kankuro? And then, they soon encountered the Ame shinobi, who had tried to kill him. _Tried_ being the operative term. Mother protected him, after all, and he enjoyed taking the weaponised umbrella from the Ame shinobi, shortly after taking their worthless lives with a couple of Sand Burials.

And then, Kankuro had to spoil his fun by telling him that they needed to go along swiftly, now that they had the scrolls needed. Damnable fool thought more about how well he'd do in the Chunin Exams than Gaara's desires. He had sneered back at Kankuro and Temari that he never thought of them as his siblings. Which wasn't, strictly speaking, true. He had some small regard for Temari, and he wouldn't kill her if he could help it. Eventually, Gaara decided to accede to his older brother's whining.

He knew that a trio of Konoha _genin_ had been hiding nearby. And judging by the fact that they arrived not long after he did at the Tower in the middle of the Forest of Death, it was the one with the Hyuuga girl, the Inuzaka boy, and the Aburame boy. When he encountered them next in the Tower, he gave them the slightest of predatory smiles, letting them know that their escape was a lucky one.

He spent most of his time away from his siblings, having all but moved into the arena in which they would do battle. He perched himself on top of the massive sculpture of a pair of hands making a handsign. Here, he could keep calm, away from the wittering voices of others. That way, he felt less of a desire to kill them. He left only to partake of meals.

He knew that his rapid arrival, in less than two hours, to the Tower had made a lot of people curious, and worried. Let them be. They would soon know the full extent of his power.

On the fourth day, he heard the echoing footsteps of someone entering. He looked down, to find the Sakura girl entering. She had entered the Tower with her team yesterday. Rumours had spread in the mess that they had encountered Orochimaru and survived, along with the belligerent Oto _genin_. Indeed, a rumour Temari had heard was that Sakura had managed to fell Orochimaru, albeit temporarily, with a brand new jutsu.

This intrigued him. And then, he saw that she had noticed him. A little nervously, she waved to him. "Hi."

Gaara nodded in a gesture of token acknowledgement. He moved down to her in a sand _Shunshin_ , savouring the startled look on her face. "Why are you here?"

"I needed somewhere quiet to think," Sakura admitted. "We've been through a lot in that Forest. My friends got hurt. Well, a friend and a comrade, anyway." This last seemed to be added as an afterthought. It seemed that Sakura's team was not so united. "How did you do?"

"I believe the colloquial term is, I 'aced' it," Gaara said, a faint smirk playing about his features. "None can stand my sand."

"Ah." Sakura pursed her lips at that. "I…hope it was quick for whoever you killed."

"Quicker than they deserved. They were Ame, not Konoha, if that concerns you," Gaara said. It clearly didn't console her.

After a moment, Sakura seemed to want to say something, before she eventually said, "Gaara…I don't want to offend you, so you don't have to answer. But…when you killed your uncle…do you have nightmares of that time?"

Gaara's eyes narrowed. Why was she asking this?

Unbidden, she continued, as if his thoughts had been an audible question. "Not so long ago, we went on a mission. One of our enemies…he was the kindest and sweetest boy, made into a weapon by a brutal, powerful shinobi."

"Zabuza Momochi," Gaara said. On her surprised look, Gaara said, "My sensei gave me some information on your team. He must've been formidable, if he was Zabuza's 'weapon'."

"Yes. He had a bloodline limit. And yet, I know there was something good in him. But…he died, saving Zabuza's life. And I've had nightmares about it ever since, because I know I could've saved him. He was trying to kill us at the time, or rather, stop us from protecting the person we were hired to, and yet…" Sakura shook her head. "Sorry, I shouldn't have tried burdening you with my problems."

Gaara surprised himself with the next sentence that came from his lips. "It's fine." Eventually, he added, "I am surprised you would empathise with an enemy shinobi."

"The boy I'm talking about, Haku, had a bad life," Sakura said. "He had a bloodline limit, as I said, and you can guess, as he came from Kiri, what he had to go through."

"The Bloodline Purges," Gaara said.

"Yes." She looked at him in a curious manner. "You know, with what you told me of your uncle…he was nearly murdered by his father. He had to kill him instead. All because of something he couldn't control."

The words struck a chord in him. Shukaku began growling deep within him. And he tried to stamp down on the feelings of empathy, of a connection. Eventually, he asked, "Why do you care?"

"It shouldn't happen to anyone. That's all I'm saying," Sakura said sadly. "Sorry, what you said has been on my mind. I shouldn't have spoken. I just…needed someone to talk to."

"I would say that I'm a poor choice in a conversation partner," Gaara remarked dryly. Even Shukaku, despite the beast's growing annoyance, actually chuckled at that one.

Sakura smiled, albeit a little warily. "Sorry to bother you, Gaara. I'll let you get back to your…meditation?"

 _Sure, let's go with that_ , Gaara thought as he nodded. He used another sand _Shunshin_ to go back to the top of the sculpture. The dismissal clear, Sakura left the room. And with that, a small part of him hoped that he would not have to fight her. He felt that otherwise, he might actually feel some small regret for killing her…

* * *

As Sakura left the arena area, a little disconcerted by her encounter with Gaara, a sardonic voice remarked, "He must like you, you know. Or at least tolerate you better than most."

Sakura nearly jumped, and turned to find Temari standing there, her arms crossed. "Why is that?"

"Well, he didn't attack you for one thing, or threaten to kill you," Temari said. "I followed you here because I wondered if I'd have to intervene. I can't stop my brother once he loses his temper, but I could get you out of there."

"Is there something wrong with him? I mean, aside from his uncle nearly killing him?"

"How did you…oh, he must've told you. Look, Sakura, was it? I suggest not trying to make friends with Gaara. Don't get me wrong, if things were different, he'd need all the friends he can get. But…he doesn't believe in friends anymore. He barely tolerates his family."

"Given that his uncle tried to kill him, I have to wonder."

Temari's dark eyes narrowed. "Listen, Sakura, you know little of what happened. I don't like it any more than you do, because it tore my little brother away from me. He barely stands me, and I know I'm the person he likes the most." Her eyes became suspiciously shiny, even as she scowled. "I love my little brother, Sakura. More than that make-up wearing idiot. And frankly, more than my father. But Gaara…he can't love me back. All the love's been squeezed out of him. And I hate that. I hate what he was made into. And while you're as soft as many Konoha shinobi are, I can't fault you showing some compassion for him. If there was any hope of reaching him, I'd actually tell you to keep going. But there isn't. Gaara's a living weapon."

"So was someone I met not long ago," Sakura said, thinking back to Haku, drooling blood as he was impaled on Kakashi's _Raikiri_. "Made by Zabuza Momochi into a living weapon, because he had nothing else left for him."

"Sakura, this is reality. There are going to be people out there like that." Temari sighed. "Look…if he wants to talk to you more…if I turn out to be wrong…well, go ahead and be friends with him. God knows he needs them. But remember that he is rarely far away from snapping and killing people around him." Temari then got a cheeky smirk. "Hey, there's a thought. Maybe once this part of the Chunin Exams are over, I can ask the Hokage if I can hire you for an S-Rank mission: dating my little brother."

"S-Rank?!" Sakura all but yelped. "Dating him?"

"Yeah, might do him some good." Temari laughed, sounding like Naruto after pulling a particularly spectacular prank, though for some reason, Sakura thought that, while Temari was clearly having a joke, she was actually serious about the whole dating thing.

There was only one thing to say to that. "Troublesome," Sakura muttered.

* * *

Elsewhere in the Tower, Shikamaru sneezed, then muttered, "Troublesome."

* * *

As she walked through the corridors of the Tower, Sakura got to thinking about the past couple of days. First, they had encountered Orochimaru, who had used some sort of seal on Naruto, and then bit Sasuke and gave him the Cursed Seal of Heaven (Sakura remembering Anko talking about her own). Orochimaru had given her the scroll they needed, as a reward for managing to surprise him with her _Hikariton_ , something she still had trouble believing. Then, she and Naruto had to face off against the Oto _genin_ , only for Sasuke, drawing power from the Cursed Seal, to maim one of them. Sakura had just managed to calm him down, and Team 10 had gone with them to the Tower (having opted to take the one the Oto team left behind as compensation), while Team 9 went to find another scroll. They reached here in good time, but Sasuke was even now still drifting away, she was sure of it.

At least by this point, they no longer had to fight as a team. From what she had discussed with the proctors and _jounin_ senseis, in all likelihood, there'd be too many _genin_ who had passed this Second Exam, and there'd be a set of preliminaries, a series of elimination matches to whittle down the number of people who went into the Finals. Even so, the revelation that Orochimaru was involved was startling enough. Sakura had thought herself out of her depth before she even agreed to enter the Chunin Exams, but Orochimaru being involved and attacking Naruto and Sasuke…

No. She had to focus on the important things. She had told Kakashi and the Hokage about what happened, about Orochimaru. They'd be best-qualified for trying to deal with the criminal _Sannin_. Now she had to pass the Chunin Exams…if she could.

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS NO JUTSU!:**

 **Okay, pretty big timeskip, more than I intended, but I thought doing the majority of the Chunin Exams from Gaara's point of view would have been boring. And sorry about the wait. Hope you liked the interactions between Gaara and Sakura, and Temari and Sakura.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	12. Kunoichi and Tanuki Chapter 5

_**KUNOICHI AND TANUKI**_

 **CHAPTER 5:**

 **THE PRELIMINARIES**

Gaara was impatient for the next stage to begin. But now, they had to go through some preliminary fights, all so they could whittle down the fighters for the final stage of the Chunin Exams. Still, at least this would be an opportunity to see the abilities of his possible opponents, especially the Uchiha. It would also be good to see how well the Konoha _genin_ did, especially those that caught his interest.

The first to fight was the Uchiha, against one of Kabuto's comrades (Kabuto having bowed out for some reason, possibly to do with Orochimaru), who seemed to have the ability to drain chakra. The Uchiha looked desperate, but managed to defeat his opponent, though he noted that the two Konoha shinobi with the bowl cuts (were they father and son?) looked annoyed, especially the older one. Good power and speed, but Gaara had to wonder if that was all Sasuke Uchiha had. Their sensei, the infamous Kakashi Hatake, took him away after his victory, though exactly why, Gaara didn't know.

The next match was between the Oto _genin_ Zaku and the Aburame boy. Zaku claimed to only be able to use one arm. While he used his attacks on Shino Aburame, Shino managed to corral his opponent between himself and a mass of insects. Zaku attempted to use both of his arms, and the sound-blasters within them, only for them to explode, Shino having sent insects to clog them up. A good strategy. The Aburame had impressed Gaara a little more than the Uchiha.

Then, Kankuro had his match, against the other of Kabuto's partners. That Konoha shinobi had an admittedly impressive ability to dislocate his bones and move his limbs through chakra alone. But Gaara knew that Kankuro had substituted with his puppet shortly before the match began. He smirked inwardly as the Konoha shinobi broke what he thought was Kankuro's neck, only for Kankuro's puppet to turn the tables and break almost every bone in his body. Kankuro at least had some skill.

Then came Sakura's match against Ino Yamanaka. He was considerably more interested in this. Having actually met the two, and knowing a little of their abilities, he was curious to see what their fight was like.

He wasn't disappointed, even if it started strangely with Ino Yamanaka cutting off a good chunk of her hair. Sakura actually used a pretty strong _genjutsu_ to fool her opponent (and indeed, the audience) into thinking she had somehow summoned up the Scorpion, aka Hanzo Hasashi, the infamous Yellow Revenant of Konoha. Ino dispelled the _genjutsu_ , however, and managed to set a trap for Sakura, using her discarded hair as a sort of channel for her chakra to immobilise Sakura, in preparation for her _Shintenshin no Jutsu_ , a technique by which the blonde girl could take control of Sakura's mind.

Gaara had to admit, it was a clever gambit, turning a seemingly frivolous gesture as cutting hair into a trap. However, he also noted a slight defiant smirk on Sakura's face as the jutsu took hold, and he realised, she had a possible countermeasure. Seconds later, he was proven right. The Yamanaka soon slumped, looking shaken, while Sakura used the Groundhog Decapitation jutsu to drag her opponent into the arena floor, and put a kunai to her face, forcing Ino to yield. The two came back up to the gantry, Sakura declared the winner, the blonde girl looking a little crestfallen, but assured by Sakura's words.

A pang of jealousy and anger entered Gaara's heart. They were friends, and had managed to remain friends, even after being enemies for that brief moment of time.

Then came Temari's turn. He had to admit, out of his family, Temari was the one he liked best. It wasn't love, he didn't think he could love anyone barring himself, but Temari was at least sane and intelligent, and while wary around him, nonetheless made an effort to reach out to him. Her opponent, Tenten, looked like an expert at using weapons and sealing. A shame that she was so helplessly outmatched fighting against his sister, who could use her wind techniques to counter any ranged weapons attacks. She looked like a _kunoichi_ who actually took her calling seriously, more so than Sakura or Ino. And that was without going into that timid Hyuuga who had been stealing glances at Naruto.

As the one-sided match between Temari and Tenten began, Gaara looked over at the Hyuuga, the one who had been with the Konoha _genin_ team who was nearby when he killed that Ame team. Dark hair, framing a quite pretty face. Those distinctive pale lavender irises with no pupils, the mark of a Hyuuga's _Byakugan_. She was glancing over at Naruto. And for all Gaara's contempt for human relationships, he knew what they meant. Naruto, he realised, was shooting her glances of his own, reassuring glances.

This gave Gaara a pang of angry jealousy. Shukaku agreed, wondering whether they should have her blood right in front of him. Gaara dismissed that, and turned his attention back to the fight. He had to admit, Tenten was fighting valiantly, but to no avail: with her battle-fan, Temari could use wind jutsu to block or deflect almost any weapon thrown at her. Soon, a final attack ended with Tenten falling unconscious to the floor…with Temari intercepting her with her now folded-up battle-fan. Right under Tenten's back. Gaara actually flinched slightly at the impact. Temari then deliberately flung Tenten onto the scattered weapons on the floor, hoping to compound the injuries of the defeated girl, only for that spandex-clad idiot with the bowl cut to intercept her. Gaara had caught his name earlier: Rock Lee.

After the two argued, with Rock Lee prevented from escalating the situation by his equally ridiculous-looking teacher, Gaara looked down at Temari and said, "Stop playing with the quixotic fool, Temari."

The teacher of Rock Lee looked at Temari, and then at Gaara. He then said, with an air of authority that seemed at odds with that damned bowl-cut, "A word of advice, my desert-dwelling friends. You have no idea how much Lee is holding back."

 _We shall see_ , Gaara thought to himself. Still, it would be unwise to underestimate them. Fools they may act like, but if they managed to get this far in the Chunin Exams, it had to be through some skill.

The next was between one of the Oto _genin_ , Kin Tsuchi, and Shikamaru Nara. At first, he didn't think it would be any good. But the Nara actually turned out to be a competent enough fighter, if more than a little lazy and unmotivated. And that shadow technique was useful.

The next match was between Naruto and that Inuzaka with the dog partner, Kiba. The fight was, well, somewhat amusing. Gaara didn't smile, but he had to admit to chuckling inwardly at some of the antics on display. Even Shukaku laughed when Naruto won the match by farting into Kiba's face. Accidentally. Still, it was a pretty poor showing: the blonde had won mostly by luck, and while he was good at using Shadow Clones and Transformations, the truth was, he seemed to be almost as incompetent as he was enthusiastic.

Then, the next match came up. It was the two Hyuugas facing off, and judging by the glare the older boy was giving the girl, there was some bad blood between them. An assessment that was soon proven right when Gaara watched the fight. Both were well-versed in the Gentle Fist _taijutsu_ style of the Hyuugas, but Neji was clearly better than Hinata…and what's more, seemed to have a grudge that the girl didn't reciprocate. Gaara knew that branch family members had a seal adorning their forehead that not only sealed away the _Byakugan_ on their death, preventing post-mortem theft, but could also be used to torture the Hyuuga bearing it into submission. So why didn't the girl use it?

Gaara's conclusion was that this girl was atypical of the usually haughty Hyuugas. And it would cost her the match. Indeed, by the end of it, she was badly injured, and after she made a rebuke about Neji's hypocrisy, claiming that he was trying to break free from his fate despite what he said, he tried to land a lethal blow, only to be blocked by the _jounin_. Naruto and Sakura went to Hinata's side, and made some portentous vow to win.

Gaara wondered at the bond between Hinata and Naruto as the former was carried away on a stretcher, apparently suffering a heart injury caused by the Gentle Fist. It was clear that the pair truly cared for each other. But why? Why could they love each other? How could they?

So distracted and annoyed by this line of thought, he very nearly didn't notice it when it was his turn. But he saw the selection come up. It seemed he was going up against the last Oto _genin_ to fight. At last, Mother's thirst would be slaked.

Gaara used a sand _Shunshin_ to move to the arena, and glared up at Dosu. "I'm waiting," he said coldly.

Dosu, unwisely, sneered behind his bandages as he leapt down to the arena floor. "Impatient, aren't you?"

 _Mother is impatient, for your_ _ **blood**_ , Gaara thought. He knew that Oto was under the command of Orochimaru, their ally, but Orochimaru could spare a few _genin_.

The moment the fight began, Gaara sent out his sand for Dosu's Melody Arm bracer. Without that, what minimal danger the bandaged shinobi posed would become non-existent. Swiftly, he surrounded the arm with his sand, and then crushed it. The howls of Dosu in pain were music to his ears. And Shukaku loved the first taste of Dosu's blood.

It was time to play with Dosu. Gaara had to admit, he enjoyed allowing some shinobi to play with him, allowing them to exhaust themselves on his sand barrier…before crushing their hopes…followed by their body. He allowed Dosu to try his futile attacks for a few minutes before he got bored. He commanded his sand to swarm Dosu, in preparation for the Sand Burial. He could feel Dosu wriggling, trying to get his way out. But to no avail.

 _Sand Burial_ , Gaara thought to himself, before mentally commanding the sand to compress. The explosive shower of blood and offal was a thing of beauty. Like a thing of art, a single ephemeral moment, never to be captured.

* * *

In Ame, a former Iwa shinobi with blonde hair sneezed. Deidara blinked. "Is someone talking about me, un?"

* * *

The proctor was rebuking him for killing his opponent, but Gaara didn't care. It wasn't against the rules of the Chunin Exams, and he needed to sate Mother. He glared at the proctor, before walking up the stairs, slowly and deliberately, intimidating the opposition. Though he had to wonder why he felt strange at the look of fear on Sakura's face.

The final match was between that bowl cut boy, Rock Lee, and the rotund one, Chouji Akimichi. It wasn't much to write home about as far as Gaara was concerned, being more of a battle of attrition. However, he certainly found that Rock Lee was indeed holding back. The boy, as ridiculous as he looked with the bowl cut and the green spandex, was a _taijutsu_ expert.

Soon, Rock Lee was victorious. They then had to await an announcement from the Hokage, who explained how the finals were going to work. Gaara knew this already. He finally was able to draw a piece of paper from the box, and soon found that he was matched against Sasuke Uchiha, who was still conspicuous by his absence.

Gaara didn't pay any attention to what the Hokage said in response to the Nara's question. He knew the Chunin Exams inside and out. He was impatient to get away from these people, all these people, the ones whose blood his Mother was crying out for…

They were finally dismissed. But while Baki and Kankuro prepared to leave via _Shunshin_ , Temari asked for a few minutes. She then went over to the Hokage and asked him something in a quiet whisper. The Hokage blinked, before looking at Gaara, then back at Temari. After a moment, he said something else quietly, before Temari nodded, and came back. "Sorry, just needed to ask the Hokage something."

Baki and Gaara looked askance at her. Still, Temari was loyal to Suna. She wouldn't have told them about the planned invasion. So, it was time to get out of here…

* * *

Anko, noticing the shocked look on the Hokage's face, came over to the old man. "Hokage-sama, what's the matter? What did the Suna girl tell you?"

The Hokage blinked distractedly, before he said, "Oh, I just had an unusual request from the Kazekage's daughter. She calls it an S-Ranked mission, and she's specially requested Sakura Haruno for it. She'll get the money before long, though."

"Oh, and what's the mission?" Anko asked.

"Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but…taking Gaara out on a date."

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Jesus, it's been a long time since I've updated this. Sorry about the long wait.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Duner89** **: It's happening before then, as noted above.**

 **Mernom** **: *rolls eyes* Visual novel…oh, and as for how Sasuke reacted when he woke up, it's closer to canon. She gave him a hug, he cooled off.**

 **No numbered annotations for this chapter.**


	13. Genius, Madboy, Fox Chapter 1

**Hokay, this one is a bit of a weird one. But I think it might work. It's based on one of the few challenges not published by DZ2 or whitetigerwolf. Instead, it's based, pretty loosely, on Ogremen's 'Weird Chakra Science', albeit disregarding a few of the elements in it. Instead, it's a crossover with _Girl Genius_.**

 **Those who read my general sample chapter compilation _Quatermass' Compost Heap_ may have seen the sample chapters of another _Girl Genius_ crossover, this one with _My Hero Academia_ , called _Mad Scientists Can Be Heroes Too!_ While that story might end up on the backburner for now (though it may yet get published in modified form, once I work things out), I thought it not a bad idea all the same.**

 **For those of you not familiar with _Girl Genius_ , allow me to explain. _Girl Genius_ is a webcomic (originally started as a print comic, and indeed, you can order print versions in any good bookshop) set in a steampunk version of the Victorian era, where, in the words of the writers Phil and Kaja Foglio, ' _Mad scientists rule the world. Badly_ '. The family of the main character, Agathe Heterodyne, is a fairly notorious family of mad scientists (or Sparks) whose dark reputation was only recently repaired by her father and uncle. As with _Mad Scientists Can Be Heroes Too!_ , the main character is a descendant from Agatha's brother, Klaus Barry Heterodyne, who was (supposedly) killed in an attack on Castle Heterodyne by the mysterious villain known as the Other. I'm currently leaning towards Minato Namikaze being Klaus Barry, though I might change that to being one of his descendants.**

 **I'm also making this a harem fic for Naruto, and thanks to some tricky devices he invented, while he's supposed to be 12 or 13, he's now 16, along with his girlfriends. I used the same thing in _Dulce Periculum_ , and the pairing is the same (Naruto/Hinata/female Shino), with the addition of Sakura. Plus, we'll have some Kakashi/Anko, and some Karin/Kimimaro.**

 **Hopefully, this story will actually see the light of day. Here's hoping...**

* * *

 _ **GENIUS, MADBOY, FOX**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **MAKING SCIENCE**

The laboratory, like so many of its type, was filled with a wide variety of eclectic apparatuses, strewn about in arrangements that would have been both intimidating and incomprehensible to the average person. Jars and vats were filled with mysterious, possibly hazardous liquids, equipment sparked and crackled, and a disconcerting hum filled the air. It was, in short, a place filled with energy and madness.

Manning various controls or else looking on in varying degrees of apprehension and awe were a number of people. Many, surprisingly, were in their mid-teens, with the leader being a boy with spiky blonde hair, whisker-like marks on his cheeks, and sapphire blue eyes that now blazed with a laser-like intensity. "Hinata!" he yelled. "Is the chakra relay operative?"

This had been addressed to a girl with dark blue hair, gentle features currently creased in determined concentration, and eyes with pupil-less irises so pale, they looked like cataracts. But she could clearly see. "Yes, Naruto!"

"Sakura! The power levels?"

"Nominal! I'm a bit worried about circuit number 4!" This was shouted back by a pink-haired girl with green eyes.

"Number 4's always tetchy!" Naruto yelled back as he went to a control panel, pulling off his orange jacket, and then a shirt, before wrapping a strange band covered in wires around his stomach, a stomach that seemed to have an elaborate tattoo of a spiral surrounded by arcane writing. He turned to another figure with dark hair and wearing a high-collared jacket, standing next to a pair of tanks, in which a pair of forms floated serenely, naked. "Shino? Are the vessels ready?!" Shino merely nodded.

"And what are _we_ doing?" asked one of the few adults in the room. He was a lanky, silver-haired man whose mouth and nose was covered by a cloth mask, and whose left eye was concealed by a headband.

"You know what you're doing, Kakashi! You and Anko are on hazard suppression duty!"

The woman standing next to Kakashi snorted. She wore a tan miniskirt and a tan trenchcoat, and a mesh bodysuit, nothing else. She had purple hair framing cheerfully sardonic features. "What if the hazard's you, brat?"

"That is all part of making science!" Naruto yelled.

"You're trying to revive the dead and give a Tailed Beast a proxy body," Kakashi said in a deadpan tone. "I'd call it impossible and insane, but…well, you have a bad habit of flipping impossibility the bird."

Naruto nodded, a big mad grin on his features. "Unfortunately, I can't do anything about Dad, thanks to the Reaper Seal. I don't want to fuck with that, _dattebayo_. But Mum and Kurama are other matters entirely. Okay, I'm ready, is everything else ready?" A number of nods from the others. Naruto gritted his teeth, and yelled, "Hit it!"

Hinata, after a moment's hesitation, hit a rather large, red switch. Almost instantly, Naruto began to scream in pain, blood red chakra purling around him. But even through the pain, his mouth still had a big grin, distended into a grimace by the pain.

A surprisingly large part of his mind was still lucid, despite the pain. _Orochimaru, you're a fucking idiot_ , he thought to himself. _You went about looking for immortality the wrong way. You're nowhere near as innovative as my father, or Tobirama Senju, and the Second Hokage didn't even have the Spark! And look at me now, I don't even need the_ Edo Tensei _to bring the dead back to life! Okay, it's admittedly special circumstances, as I have part of the chakra of the person inside me, so that gives me a nice signature to home in on, but that means that, in a moment, I'm going to be bringing someone back from the dead. Eat that, you ophidian paedophile!_

A fresh jolt of pain brought Naruto back to the present. He heard Sakura yelling, "Number 4 is burning out!"

"SWITCH TO NUMBER 7!" Naruto roared.

"But…"

"DO IT!"

A fresh surge of pain accompanied another scream from Naruto, his hair standing on his head. Just when he thought it would become unbearable, just when the pain was reaching a crescendo…it receded. And he knew, with complete and utter conviction, that it had worked. He could see the pair of forms within the tank convulsing and spasming with new life. After a moment, he removed the band around his stomach, beginning to chuckle, said chuckle growing into full-blown guffaws of triumph and madness. "They're alive," he bit out. "They're alive, THEY'RE ALIVE, THEY'RE ALIVE, _DATTEBAYO!_ "

"Dear God, Naruto," Kakashi muttered in understandable awe and apprehension.

"Dear God…now I know WHAT IT FEELS TO BE GOD(1)! WAHAHAHAHA!" This continued on for a moment, until Sakura swatted Naruto around the head. Naruto shook his head. "YOU FOOL! I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU- whoo, I think I needed that, Sakura."

"Moron," Sakura said, looking at him with worry. "You worried us. I know Hinata was worried for you, and I certainly was, and I'm sure Shino did too."

Shino said, in a low, androgynous voice, "It was a dangerous risk you undertook."

"We're ninja," Naruto said, pulling his shirt and jacket back on. "Risk-taking's the name of the game. Anyway, we took more risk with those nanomachines I developed. And that time-dilation jutsu Mum and Dad collaborated on. A good thing we can shift our appearances to look what is supposed to be our ages. It'd look odd if some 12 or 13 year olds about to graduate suddenly looked 16 or 17. Plus, risk's a part of science."

"I'm not sure what you do is science, brat," Anko said affectionately, coming over and ruffling her honorary little brother's hair. Only to flinch when she got shocked by residual static. "Seriously, it seems like sorcery. You may have more principles than the snake bastard when you're in the Madness Place, but damn if you ain't more scary."

"And yet, this scary kid got rid of that cursed seal for you. Okay, we kept the mark on, but that snake-faced child molester hasn't got his chakra in you anymore. All that's left is a nifty little tattoo."

"I wouldn't call it nifty. In fact, if it weren't for the fact we need to keep up appearances, I'd be rid of it in a shot. Aren't we anywhere near starting up the Uzushio evac plan?"

"Not yet," Naruto said. "And it's not Uzushio anymore, remember? It's San'yochu(2). Karin's got an eye on things. Well, she's yelling at the idiots who don't take her seriously because she's younger than they are. At least we managed to poach her and those others from Orochimaru. Seriously, Kimimaro's devotion creeps me out a little. Whenever I'm at San'yochu, I fear for my virtue. Hey, that rhymes, _dattebayo!_ "

"You cured him of a disease not even Tsunade had a good chance of curing," Kakashi said with a shrug. "People have sworn utter loyalty for less, Naruto. Speaking of Tsunade, what's she doing now?"

"Trying to throw off the old toad's spies. He's gotten more and more curious about her comings and goings lately. Still, that old pervert doesn't know we subverted part of his spy network, including Itachi. Not to mention that mummified spider and parts of ROOT." Naruto looked at the tanks as the forms within calmed down. "Okay, looks like they're ready to decant. How's the lifesigns, Shino?"

"They are promising, given the circumstances. Still signs of agitation, but well out of the danger zone now."

"Okay. Let's do it then."

Shino activated a button on the control panel in front of them. The tanks began to drain, and soon, the forms within were coughing up the liquid that had sustained them. Tubes inserted into their bodies withdrew, along with wires for lifesign monitoring. The tanks were opened, and the forms gently pulled out.

One of them was a buxom young woman with long, crimson hair and violet eyes. Despite the different hair and eye colour, it was clear from the shape of the face that she was related to Naruto. The other, a man, also had red hair framing inhumanly handsome features, his tall frame lithe and muscled. "Ugh, and the aftertaste!" the woman complained, her voice rasping. "Not that I'm complaining about a miracle of science, no matter how twisted it is, but ugh!"

"As loath as I am to agree with you, woman, I am forced to do so," the man rasped, before coughing again. "Still, this is a pittance to pay for this unprecedented degree of freedom." He looked over at Naruto with crimson, slit-pupilled eyes, and gave a grin. "I have to confess, I had little faith you could achieve this feat, brat. Oh, it feels truly wonderful to experience the outside world with the barest minimum of tethers, even if it is in the frame of a human." He got up and stretched.

Meanwhile, Naruto had dashed forward, and was hugging his mother. "It worked," he said softly. "It worked!"

"It did, son," Kushina said, rubbing his back. "You did it, _dattebane_."

* * *

Sometime afterwards, Kushina and Kurama had dressed their new bodies. "Now, your bodies can change their appearance, so you'll have to use that while abroad. I got some old IDs of some shinobi who are MIA, but who won't draw attention from the old monkey or ROOT," Naruto said. "No major shinobi clans, just civilian-born. Sakura helped me find them."

Sakura nodded. "It's amazing what you can find when your mother's on the Civilian Council."

"And she's not one of the ones who try to sabotage or hurt Naruto?" Kushina Uzumaki asked.

Sakura shook her head. "She doesn't like him, mostly because he does a lot of pranks. Believe it or not, a lot of the Civilian Council are indifferent to Naruto, or else they dislike him for his pranks, not because of Kurama."

"I would suggest using My name with more care, girl," Kurama said.

"I am. I'd rather not call you the _Kyuubi_ out of respect. You're more than just a demonic _kitsune_." Hinata and Shino both nodded their agreement.

"So you call Me by My true name out of respect, a respect you think is lacking in calling me the _Kyuubi_. You believe you deserve to call Me by My name because you believe I deserve a name, not a title." The Tailed Beast scoffed. "If that is your logic, I will deign to allow it. I am in a generous mood this day. My soul may still be trapped in the boy, but at least I have a body to live in outside him."

Kushina rolled her eyes, before she looked over at Kakashi. "It's coming to time that these four graduate from the Academy. Do you have preliminary placings?"

"Assuming Naruto graduates, and nobody tries to sabotage the exam this time," Kakashi said, "the team placements that have the best chance of getting through are as follows. Hinata and Shino here are going on a tracking team with Kiba Inuzaka under Kurenai Yuuhi. Kurenai's one of us, luckily. I'm to teach Naruto and Sakura, along with Sasuke Uchiha, as a general assault team. Asuma Sarutobi is tipped to head a new iteration of the Ino-Shika-Cho."

Naruto nodded. "What's more, the Hokage and the Uchiha suck-ups want Kakashi to focus his training mostly on Sasuke, and only give me and Sakura the bare minimum needed to be competent shinobi. Which is fine, as the two of us are practically near- _jounin_ levels now, along with Hinata and Shino. We just need more experience in the field to be considered _jounin_. Not that anyone would let me be one. Don't want the weapon getting too big for his boots, after all."

Anko chuckled. "A bit late for that, brat. Hell, I'm surprised they even let me get to _tokubetsu jounin_. You though…they won't let you get that far, let alone as far as the rank of a _kage_. They'll probably throw a girl or two at you to keep you happy and keep the Uzumaki bloodline in Konoha so that they have a living gaol cell to pop Kurama into, but Hokage? Yeah, no."

Naruto shrugged. "Who said anything about Hokage? Fire Shadow? Pfft. It's not the fire dancing amongst the leaves I covet, but the flames of Prometheus themselves! I'm gonna be the Science Shadow, the Kagakukage(3) of San'yochu, _dattebayo!_ "

After a moment, Kurama remarked, "In My considered opinion, the nomenclature needs substantial work, brat. And considering that I have been around since the time of My sire, the Sage of the Six Paths, I have heard some appalling names used in My time."

"You've spoiled the moment, Kurama," Naruto said, pouting.

"And you need to consider your manners, brat."

Hinata coughed quietly to get their attention. While not actually shy per se, at least in private, she was somewhat quiet, even around the love of her life. "When do you think we can be ready to make our move?"

"Soon. Too much of Konoha spat on the dying wishes of my father," Naruto said. "While I'm not going to let the innocents suffer if I can help it, I'm also not going to let those who did this to me, and to others, to get away with it. Well, I'll show them all. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The others present watched him in bemusement, but most of them were used to it. After all, Naruto's madness was a useful thing. It was the sort of madness that was sharp and focused. It was a madness that had been passed onto him through his father, the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze.

It was a madness known as the Spark…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Naruto has the Spark, and so did Minato. Oh, and he's brought back Kushina from the grave, and given Kurama a body to walk around in. But he has minions and girlfriends, plural, already? Huh, I wonder how that came to pass. Well, you'll soon find out…**

 **1\. Naruto's and Kakashi's lines are an adaptation of Henry and Victor's lines from the original Universal** ** _Frankenstein_** **film. I couldn't resist.**

 **2\. This is actually Japanese for 'Trilobite'. Fans of** ** _Girl Genius_** **will doubtless be intrigued, and there will be an explanation for that later. For non-fans, the trilobite is the symbol of the Heterodyne family, which we will be discussing later.**

 **3\. I dunno whether this is correct Japanese, but** ** _kugaku_** **means 'science', so I think it works.**


	14. Tobi Taylor's Trolling Tales Chapter 1

**I've been going on a binge of _Worm_ fanfics lately. I also did my first tentative steps into _Worm_ fanfic by doing a one-shot crossover with _Fate/Stay Night_ , _Magissa_ , a pilot episode for a fic I will continue when I've read more of _Worm_.**

 **But this idea wouldn't go away. We need more fics like _Taylor Varga_ or _It Got Worse_ , stories that take the dark world of _Worm_ , and makes it funnier. So, in that vein, here's a funny fic where Obito gets reincarnated as Taylor Hebert...and basically adopts Tobi's mannerisms and costume as her own (oh, and she has an Eternal _Mangekyou Sharingan_. Which means she's going to troll the ever-loving fuck out of virtually every cape in Brockton Bay.**

 **EDIT: I've actually decided to eventually publish this (sooner than I thought) as a series of one-shot stories set in the same universe, with no need for continuity (so I don't have to read THAT much more of Worm), and under a different name. Instead of _Zaniness Ensues!_ , which is still a bloody good name that I might re-use, I intend to call it _Tobi Taylor's Trolling Tales_.**

* * *

 _ **TOBI TAYLOR'S TROLLING TALES (**_ **formerly** _ **ZANINESS ENSUES!)**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **TOBI'S A GOOD BOY…UMM, GIRL?**

 _He stood before the Reaper, the robed, demonic looking being leering down at him in an intimidating manner. It had to be said that, for all his very real fear, this sadly didn't even make the Top 5 scary moments in his entire life…and, well, what came after. Of course, this was the Reaper, the Shinigami, and he had done some naughty things in life. Well, not to put too fine a point on it, he had done a lot of bad things._

 _Tobi was a bad boy._

 _Well, not that that was his real name. Tobi was a mask that Obito Uchiha wore, just like the identity of Madara Uchiha, the man who both saved him and damned him. Just like that silly orange swirly mask with the one eyehole, only more metaphorical._

 _Anyway, Obito, frankly, had done some pretty evil things, albeit as a means to an end, going along with that plan so he could resurrect Rin, somehow. And here she was, standing by his side, offering…well, not moral support, but just general emotional and psychological support. She had, if not quite forgiven him, then understood, and that was most damning of all._

 _Obito had started off what was pretty much a world war, taken the lives of many and ordered many more deaths, including that of his own teacher and said teacher's wife. Who, incidentally, were here, sadness and disappointment on their faces. Oh, he had helped out in the end, after Madara showed his true colours, and then so did Black Zetsu, and Kaguya showed up…but that was not enough to grant him expiation, he knew. So he didn't beg or ask for any forgiveness. He just awaited judgement. And the Reaper knew this._

 _Eventually, the death god said, its voice like thunder, like an earthquake, a force of nature harnessed into meaning, "_ _ **SO, OBITO UCHIHA…DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?**_ _"_

 _"No. Nothing. What I have to say won't change anything. And what little I did to help in the end does little to clean up my ledger. Does it?" He looked into the hideous entity's eyes, not without fear, not without flinching, but with resignation and acceptance._

 _The Reaper didn't respond. At least not at first. Then, after a moment that seemed like an eternity, it said, "_ _ **NO.**_ _" But then, it added, "_ _ **NONETHELESS…I HAVE BEEN BESOUGHT TO GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY OF SORTS.**_ _"_

 _"Besought by who?" Obito asked, his eyes flickering over to Rin, and then to Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki. They shook their heads._

 _"_ _ **NOT BY THESE MORTALS, BUT BY POWERS HIGHER EVEN THAN I. WHILE MOST OF THE SOULS LOST DURING THE WAR THAT YOU CAUSED WILL BE REINCARNATED EVENTUALLY IN THIS WORLD, YOU SHALL BE REINCARNATED IN ANOTHER. A WORLD WHERE POWERS AS STRANGE AS THOSE OF SHINOBI HOLD SWAY. YOU COULD BE A FORCE FOR JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD. CONSIDER THIS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ACHIEVE EXPIATION, OF A SORT.**_ _"_

 _"I see. Do I…Do I have a choice?"_

 _"_ _ **ONLY IN THAT REFUSAL WILL HAVE CONSEQUENCES.**_ _"_

 _Obito sighed quietly. Then, his teacher's voice rang out quietly. "Obito. You were a good person once. You managed to find yourself again. Maybe you can find redemption in this new life."_

 _"Yeah, go for it,_ dattebane!" _Kushina cheered._

 _"Obito…" Rin said. "Do it."_

 _"Well, I was gonna accept anyway," Obito said. "So, when do we begin?"_

 _"_ _ **IMMEDIATELY. OH, AND I FORGOT TO MENTION…YOU WILL BE REINCARNATED WITHOUT YOUR MEMORIES AT FIRST, OR YOUR ABILITIES…AND AS A GIRL.**_ _"_

 _Obito blinked. "Wait, what?"_

* * *

Taylor Hebert stared at the twisted remains of the locker door that she just made reappear out of a swirly thing in space, and blinked. "Wait, what?"

* * *

 _Sometime later…_

It was official, Tobi thought to herself. The Reaper was a troll of the highest order, and coming from someone who loved to troll her fellow Akatsuki members on a regular basis (especially Deidara, aka a mad bomber who, sadly, was more tolerable than that Bakuda bitch running with the ABB Tobi had heard of, given that he actually had style with that whole 'art is a blast' thing), well, that was saying something. Having now lived as a member of the opposite sex for fifteen years, she now wanted to take back every joke and snark she had made at the expense of various _kunoichi_ over the years, like that time where he groped Konan, and had to use _Kamui_ to avoid getting a terminal case of papercuts. And that was before Nagato, who was going by the edgy name of Pain, got involved.

Still, even before her full memories of her life as Obito unlocked in The Locker (it deserved capitalisation), along with her _Sharingan_ , Tobi, as Taylor Hebert, had kept fit. In fact, she had kept her true abilities hidden. She thought that enough of Obito and his shinobi training remained before she actually unlocked the memories that she kept her abilities in check. One should hide one's true capabilities.

It was one of the few reasons she also kept quiet about the bullying, why she tolerated it, in retrospect. True shinobi don't react to insults, at least not until the time came to stab them in the back all sneaky-like. That, and she held out some small hope that Marcus Brutus the Younger(1), sorry, Emma Barnes would actually go back to being her friend.

Yeah, fat chance. Especially with that bundle of anger management issues Sophia Hess running around. Funny thing was, shortly after The Locker (and being exposed to enough insects to fill the entire Aburame Clan's members, plus Kaguya knew what), Tobi, using her regained knowledge of seals, managed to slip one onto Sophia, and found out that the bitch was actually Shadow Stalker! No wonder the school was reluctant to do anything, assuming they knew about it, and this wasn't just run-of-the-mill establishment apathy.

And, of course, there was Madison Clements.

Anyway, Tobi was plotting sweet, sweet revenge against them, but for now, she had a lot of irons in the fire. Tonight was the big night, her debut, only instead of going to some debutante ball (did they have anything like that in Brockton Bay? Or anywhere in this day and age?), she was going to beat the ever-loving crap out of criminals.

It felt good to recreate the old mask and outfit. Of course, having access to the _Kamui_ dimension helped, and all she needed was to tailor the old outfits to match a different frame. A lot of the old weapons were there too. But the mask, well, she needed one with two eyeholes. She eventually hit on the idea (or should that be eye-dea? Nah, that pun sucked) of using a _genjutsu_ to conceal the second eyehole. So, now she wore a modified Akatsuki cloak (because seriously, those things were pretty badass) over a modified shinobi combat outfit.

Over the past little while, she had been getting up to speed with chakra control again, even being able to use jutsus. Hell, she now could use just about everything she could in her life as Obito. It seemed that The Locker didn't just unlock her _Sharingan_ , but also much of her potential back in her original life. Quite frankly, if she wanted to, she could go all out and bring destruction that would make an Endbringer envious. Hmm, maybe the Simurgh could view it as a courting ritual? She was kind of hot for a mind-raping angel of destruction.

Gah. _Focus_. She was now perched on a rooftop in the darkness, looking down at a gathering of idiots from the Azn Bad Boys, led by their leader, Lung. Who could transform (over a period of time) into a dragon. Which was, frankly, fucking awesome. A shame, then, that he was also a violent douchebag with anger management issues on a par with the average Tailed Beast. Not quite the destructive capability, though. That would be bad.

When Tobi heard him yelling at his minions to shoot kids, Tobi decided, then and there, that an intervention was in order. He obviously had a problem if he wanted to shoot kids, and so, it behoved Tobi (or was that behoves? Behooves? Whatever) to intervene and let him know he had a problem, and how to resolve it.

With a snap of her fingers, she activate a minor _genjutsu_ , causing a tinny fanfare and fireworks to erupt around the goons, before she leapt off the building, trailing behind what looked like a banner, before landing (10 out of 10 for style, bitches!) and bowing. "HI!" she yelled. "I'M TOBI!"

They were astonished and astounded. She could all but see the sweatdrops of bemusement forming on their faces, even on Lung, and he wore a big ol' mask like she did. Who calls themselves Lung, anyway? Maybe Tobi should have called herself…hmm, what was a funny organ name? Spleen? Pancreas? Medulla Oblongata? Oh, wait, that was technically part of an organ(2), and…

"Who the **_fuck_** are you?" asked…well, demanded Lung in a tone of voice that suggested a crippling case of Confusion, a terminal illness in some parts of the world.

Tobi pointed to her banner. "It's all there on the…banner?" She looked back, and grimaced. The banner, reading _I'M TOBI!_ , was upside down(3). She turned back around, and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. Bugger, her first night out kicking ass, and she did this. "Oh well. Anyway, halt, evil-doers, or face the wrath of TOBI!"

Lung, after a moment of just staring at her, his brain obviously undergoing a reboot, eventually said, "Run along, little girl, or the streets will run with your blood."

"Now that's just rude!" Tobi said, pouting behind her mask and putting her hands on her hips. "Didn't your mother spank you enough as a child? Well, lucky for you, I'm willing to pick up the slack!" She made a series of lightning-fast gestures, and yelled, " _KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!_ "

Now, while her reserves were nowhere near enough to create the ridiculous amount of clones Naruto could, she still had enough to create, ooh, maybe half a dozen. "FORWARD, MINIONS!" Tobi yelled. "ATTACK PATTERN…UH, WHATEVER! JUST KICK THEIR ASSES!"

What followed was probably one of the most humiliating defeats ever suffered by the ABB, partly because their opponent wasn't taking them seriously, apparently. In truth, Tobi took it very seriously, enough that she didn't mess around. Even as Lung managed to knock away and dispel her clones as he transformed, Tobi dashed in front of him, her eyes morphing into the Eternal _Mangekyou Sharingan_ …before hissing a single word.

" _Tsukuyomi._ "

* * *

Lisa Wilbourn, born Sarah Livsey, and currently going by the _nom de guerre_ of Tattletale, was astonished. Here she was, along with her fellow Undersiders, about to take the fight to Lung (a stupid thing to do, considering that he wanted to kill them for robbing one of his casinos, but better to meet him halfway instead of running and letting him kill others), and yet, here was this masked girl kicking his ass, along with those of his underlings. Her abilities wasn't much help either: they hadn't been able to tell much about those clones that appeared in a burst of smoke and disappeared when Lung attacked them. This foolish girl was apparently going to get herself killed…and yet, Lisa had just enough info from her abilities to hold the others off.

The girl had just spoken Japanese before creating those clones. Lisa was sure that the word 'jutsu' meant something like 'technique' or 'skill'. Why use Japanese?

Suddenly, Lung was convulsing after the masked girl had come in close. She had said something, and now, Lung was shrinking, the fires coming from his body going out. Then, after a moment, he seemed to disappear in a strange swirl of space, like water going through a plughole in mid-air.

After a moment, the masked girl looked around, and then seemed to see them. She waved, before making a gesture, disappearing in a blast of smoke, only to appear behind them. "HI! I'M TOBI!" she yelled. Then, "WAH! NICE DOGGY! DON'T EAT TOBI! SHE TASTES OF VOMIT AND ASAFOETIDA(4)!" This was in reaction to one of Bitch's changed dogs snarling at her.

This actually got some laughs from most of them. Well, Bitch didn't laugh, but she generally didn't anyway. "It's okay, you just startled us," Lisa said.

Brian nodded. "Thanks for taking care of Lung for us. He was gunning for us, and we were going to try and deal with him ourselves, but…actually, what did you do to him?"

"Umm…would you believe it's spacey-wacey?" Tobi said, twiddling her fingers in an endearing but not-so-innocent manner. "Oh, he'll live. I sent him somewhere with air. Food and water's a bit tricky, though. Tobi can bring him out for the good guys later." She peered at them curiously. "Are you the good guys?"

"Not if you listen to the Protectorate or the Wards," Brian said. The rest of them snorted agreement.

"Oh! Well, you seem like good people anyway, even the Inuzaka girl. You know, the one who trains dogs of death to do her bidding. Tobi's a good girl, and you look to be the same."

That childish manner was a bit grating, more than a little endearing, and definitely an act. What was more, Tobi, whoever she was, seemed to have martial arts training of some sort, given her actions earlier. Eventually, Brian said, "Well, let me introduce our group. I'm Grue, that's Tattletale, that's Bitch, though the Protectorate, in the interests of being PC, call her Hellhound, and last and certainly least is Regent."

"Fuck you, Grue," Alec retorted good-naturedly.

"Good to meet you! Tobi always loves making new friends! And if she makes enemies, well, it's fun to whale on them! So it all works out!"

Lisa nodded to humour the deranged girl, only to hear a distant sound that made her wince. "Guys, we better scram. A cape's on his way. Tobi, you want a lift?"

"Thanks but no thanks. Tobi has her own way of getting home."

"Okay, but you did us a solid by taking out Lung, so here's some advice. When two bad guys have been fighting, the Protectorate doesn't like to let one walk away, so I suggest skedaddling while you can."

"Okey-dokey, Tattletale! Tobi will consider your advice!" The masked girl gave a salute, before shaking their hands.

 _Weird girl_ , Lisa thought, _but somewhat endearing, despite being annoying. Hope she takes the hint…or that she bullshits the cape_ …

* * *

After the gang had left, Tobi smirked. She knew who they were. Before embarking on this, she looked at the various websites, and had heard of the Undersiders. Mostly petty thieves, nothing as bad as the ABB, the Empire 88, or the Merchants. Nice kids. Maybe she could recruit them to be her Minions of Chaos™!

She hopped down to the street as she heard a motorcycle rev up. And then, she saw who was riding it. Almost instantly, she was in his face. "OMIGOD IT'S YOU MR ARMSMASTER! TOBI IS A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK!"

She nearly got a halberd to the face for her troubles, but Armsmaster managed to restrain himself. "…Please move back," he eventually said.

"Okey-dokey, Mr Armsmaster!" Tobi said, moving back just enough to maintain a disrespectful distance from the cape.

"…You're a new face. Identify yourself."

"I'm Tobi! Tobi's a good girl! I was just taking an evening constitutional when I came across these ruffians led by Lung, who wanted to kill some kids. Tobi decided that she couldn't have any of that, so Tobi staged an intervention! Oh, and Tobi is not my real name. It is spelled T-O-B-I. It's my pseudonym! Did Tobi make a good one?"

Armsmaster, after a moment, asked, "You took down Lung and his men, by yourself?"

"Yep!"

"…You're telling the truth." Tobi could hear flat disbelief in his tone. "Where's Lung?"

"Oh! I made him go away. Don't worry, he should still be alive and, hopefully, still unconscious. I hope you have something to take him away to a nice luxury cell in the Birdcage. Wait, dinosaurs turned into birds, and dragons would be dinosaurs, so…would a Birdcage be good for dinosaurs and dragons?"

"Please…stop for the moment." Armsmaster looked like he wanted to facepalm, a little difficult with his helmet. After a moment, he said, "Wherever you sent Lung to, bring him out now."

"Okay!" And with that, Tobi brought out Lung, thankfully still unconscious. "See! Tobi's a good girl!"

Judging by the set of Armsmaster's mouth, he thought that highly debatable. Still, taking down the leader of the ABB, saving a gang of interesting capes, and trolling one of the key members of the Protectorate? Not a bad debut for Taylor Hebert, aka Tobi…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Taylor Hebert is Obito Uchiha reborn. Oh, and she's trolled Lung and Armsmaster.**

 **1\. AKA Brutus, the most famous of Julius Caesar's assassins.**

 **2\. The medulla oblongata is part of the brainstem.**

 **3\. This bit with the banner, along with, well, the tone of the story, was heavily inspired by a now-deleted** ** _Mass Effect_** **crossover called** ** _Tobi's Massive Adventure_** **. Tobi makes his entrance when told to meet Shepard by his current employer Aria T'Loak in a similar manner.**

 **4\. Asafoetida, for those not in the know, is a foul-smelling substance derived from a relative of parsley, and despite the smell, is actually used in cooking. It also has the charming nickname of 'devil's dung'.**


	15. Tobi Taylor's Trolling Tales Chapter 2

**So...I noticed a lot of people enjoying this. Well, good news! I've decided as, given that this is a crack fic with little intention of adhering to the canon story of _Worm_ , I'm strongly considering posting this as a full story, filled with vignettes of Tobi/Taylor basically trolling the ever-loving fuck out of Brockton Bay. Some events from the canon story will be dealt with, but mostly, this will be about Tobi doing what she does best. Causing confusion in her enemies, pissing people off...and, in this story at least, making the world a better, or at least funnier, place.**

* * *

 ** _TOBI TAYLOR'S TROLLING TALES_ (formerly _ZANINESS ENSUES!_ )**

 **CHAPTER 2:**

 **LET THE GAMES BEGIN**

The debut of a cape capable of taking down Lung, of course, made waves across Brockton Bay. Especially one who made as much of an impression as Tobi. Certainly, she was causing a little consternation at PRT headquarters, much of it centred around two people: Colin Wallis, aka Armsmaster, and Director Emily Piggot, not a cape, but the one who was responsible for dealing with them.

Which was why, after a long and tension-fraught meeting, as well as a period of interrogation of Lung and his men that raised more questions and concerns than answers and assurances and a brief bit of sleep, Colin was in his workshop. He didn't like dealing with people, to be honest, and the feeling was mutual. He enjoyed, as a Tinker, dealing with machines.

Still, there was one person he did enjoy conversing with, and it was somewhat welcome when a monitor lit up with the features of Dragon. " _Hello, Colin. I heard that something interesting happened last night. In the curse sense of the word._ "

"If you say so," Colin said. There were times when it took him a period to discern idioms and humour, and he had a somewhat rigid paradigm. A paradigm that last night, and its consequences, had shaken somewhat. "I presume this isn't a social call."

" _Not exactly. I've been going over PHO, and it seems that your new cape has made quite a splash. I'd call her a troll, but she's closer to Clockblocker rather than the usual variety of internet troll._ " Dragon gave a small smile. " _For someone who managed to take down Lung, she doesn't seem to take things too seriously._ "

"It's an act," Colin said decisively. "Or rather, while the actual annoying tendencies is not an act as far as I can tell, Tobi uses it partly to keep opponents off-balance. So, not far from Dennis' usual MO, only Tobi manages to be even more annoying. But she also has frightening power."

"Oh?"

"We questioned Lung about what happened. Oddly, Lung actually was willing to tell us, and even provided translations for the terms she used, as she used Japanese to describe her abilities. I believe that to be because of the trauma he experienced. She heralded her arrival with fireworks and music, though no traces of pyrotechnics, beyond that caused by Lung, were found. After a brief verbal exchange, she somehow created solid duplicates of herself, calling it the _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ , which Lung says is Japanese for…"

" _Shadow Clone Technique, or thereabouts_ ," Dragon translated.

"Yes. Lung called it 'Art of the Shadow Clone'. In any case, after said Shadow Clones, for want of a better term, knocked out his men, he managed to destroy them. They were solid enough to deliver blows, but if they were attacked with enough force, they would dissipate. They also had more combat experience than her apparent age would suggest, despite her ludicrous behaviour. She acted like a toddler or a young child, but in terms of frame, despite that high-collared coat she wore, I would suggest she is a teenager, possible Changer abilities aside. After the Shadow Clones were dissipated, Tobi then met Lung's eyes, and then used something Lung called _Tsukuyomi_ , or 'Moon Reader'. Apparently it is part of the name of the lunar deity of Shinto mythology. And that's where things get…strange. And concerning."

" _In what way?_ "

"Lung was brought into an illusionary world which Tobi explained would last for only three seconds in reality, but would feel like three days. She had absolute control over the illusionary reality. And she then proceeded to torture him."

" _How?_ "

"…Well, for the first day in the illusion, she played _I Love You_ …from the children's show _Barney and Friends_. Over and over again. For about 24 hours subjectively. All while subjecting him to being dogpiled by indestructible Barneys. For the next 24 hours, she subjected him to _Puff the Magic Dragon_. Finally, she used… _It's a Small World_." He shuddered at the thought of being subjected to a loop for 24 hours of each song. Lung was…mildly mentally traumatised, enough so that his usual belligerence was gone. During the interrogation, he would occasionally stare at the walls. Not broken by any means, but certainly needing time to get over his mental trauma.

Dragon's avatar on the screen seemed torn between laughter and horror. "… _You know, legally, that doesn't fit the definition of cruel and unusual punishment. Unusual, yes, but cruel? What happened next?_ "

"He blacked out. When I arrived on the scene, Tobi brought him out of a pocket dimension, which she later called _Kamui_. I saw the spatial distortion, though I'm still not sure I can believe it. I managed to give her the recruitment spiel for PRT, but she said she already belonged to an organisation, one that, in her own words, was a ' _super-sneaky ninja organisation called Akatsuki_ ', before she said, ' _whoops, Tobi wasn't meant to say that_ '. My software detected that she was telling a half-truth, about Akatsuki. She seemed to truly believe that she was a ninja of some sort, though. She disappeared in a puff of smoke, and I can't believe I just said that, even after seeing some Movers in action. Oni Lee comes to mind."

" _Akatsuki…literally meaning 'dawn'. Well, that fits. Tobi has recently joined PHO, and has been…well, I'm a bit reluctant to say, but…entertaining. It's borderline trolling behaviour to a degree, but never actually crossing the line enough for me to even warn her. Believe it or not, she claims to be a reincarnated ninja from another world._ "

Colin blinked in astonishment. That sounded like something one of the weird conspiracy theorists on PHO, XxVoid_CowboyxX, would say. For Tobi to say this…was it just misdirection? "Ridiculous," he said.

" _True, but while she hasn't been forthcoming about all her abilities used in that battle, she mentioned that, during her entrance, she used something called a_ genjutsu _to simulate fireworks and a fanfare. The phrase literally means 'illusion techniques' in Japanese._ "

"A Master of some sort, between these illusion techniques and _Tsukuyomi_. Tobi also alluded to stopping Lung from attacking the Undersiders. She made no attempt to apprehend them. I warned her about reprisals from the ABB, but she seemed dismissive, calling Bakuda a 'Deidara-wannabe', whoever that is, and she would give both Bakuda and Oni Lee a 'time out' in _Kamui_. I would dismiss her as suicidally overconfident, and that she got lucky taking down Lung, but…"

" _I understand. Also, despite the usage of Japanese terms, we can't assume she is Japanese or of Japanese descent. It's possible she is a fan of Japanese culture or anime, and knows a lot of the language. Many anime fans enjoy watching the shows in the original Japanese, and some actually make an effort to learn the language to avoid using subtitles in English_. Kamui, _for example, is the Ainu equivalent of a deity, what the Japanese would call a_ kami. _Of course, we can't rule out the possibility that she was a Japanese cape nearly conscripted into the ABB, and who took revenge on Lung for it. He didn't recognise her voice?_ "

"No. He said he had never heard her voice before."

" _Hmm. A new cape with possible Master and Mover capabilities. I'm sure the Director is not in a good mood._ " _Not that she ever is_ , remained unspoken, a subtext even the socially-obtuse Armsmaster picked up on.

"And I don't think for one moment that is all Tobi is capable of. Given her attitude, I shudder to think what would happen if she ever met Uber and Leet."

Dragon winced. " _You jinxed it. I've just found a thread where she's gushing over their work and alluding to…_ _ **improvements**_ _they can make to their antics. They're probably using PMs as we speak. Well, Colin, given that Brockton Bay is now doomed to a pranking spree like nothing has ever come before, you could always move._ "

Colin scowled. The last thing they needed was more capes like Uber and Leet…

* * *

 _Later_ …

"…Now, what I'm saying is that you're going about this the wrong way," Tobi was saying to the part-Japanese woman in the gasmask. "Don't get me wrong, your stuff is pretty spectacular. This is the sort of stuff that would have given Tobi's old buddy Deidara an orgasm. No, seriously, he'd get down on one knee with an engagement ring proffered to you, or else worship you as his new goddess of pyrotechnics. But seriously, using it on people? Yeah, that's not creative. That tends to get the PRT on your ass PDQ."

Tobi could all but see the blue eyes narrowing behind the lenses of the gas mask. "Get to the point," she snarled.

"Look, my buddy, Deidara, he was of the opinion that art was not some permanent thing, made to last for eternity, but something ephemeral. ' _Art is a blast, un!_ ', he'd say. Well, except he'd say ' _Tobi, YOU'RE DEAD!_ ' to me so wearily often. Before trying to blow me up. I think we just had a clash of personality."

"I can't imagine why," Bakuda said, itching to use one of her own explosives on Tobi. She was only refraining from doing so because one, this bitch took down Lung, and two, she had at least praised her bombs.

"Oh, use the nasty stuff on the Empire or the Merchants if they decide to muscle in. Frankly, they're assholes, and I don't care what you do to them. Ditto the Endbringers, except for Simurgh. She's hot. But ordinary people or petty thieves, capes or not? Or the PRT and the Wards? Yeah, you'll have a kill order on you soon if you don't ratchet it back a tad. But if you make people laugh, or gaze in awe at what your bombs can do…well, you can market yourself as an artist. You know, performance art. Just sayin'. Your boss is probably gonna be out of it for a while." Tobi rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

Bakuda just glared. "Leave. Now. Or I will make you my first…'work of art'."

Tobi saluted, and used _Kamui_ to get the hell out of there. However, she would have been pleased to know that the deranged Bakuda had the seed of an idea planted in her mind. In the empty room, Bakuda took off her mask, and contemplated it. "Art is a blast, huh?"

* * *

"HI! I'M TOBI!"

Sophia Hess, aka Shadow Stalker, aka one of the best contenders to being Brockton Bay's Biggest Bitch and fucking proud of it, shot at the bizarre figure on reflex. The figure dodged and yelped, "WAH! DON'T KILL ME! TOBI'S A GOOD GIRL!"

"Shut up," Sophia hissed. This must have been the new cape Armsmaster and Piggot, aka Stick-Up-the-Ass and Fatass, were going on about. This clown was the one who took down Lung? Running around the PHO boards and claiming to be a fucking ninja? Weren't ninja supposed to be quiet?

Still, the mask wasn't too bad, she had to admit, albeit reluctantly. Ditto that coat cloak thing with the red clouds. The costume had a bit of style to it.

"But it's you! Shadow Stalker! Miss Tall, Dark, and Broody! You've got this whole 'Sasuke Uchiha' dark avenger vibe!" Tobi had reduced her volume, a little. Not much, though. And oh dear non-existent God, she was a fucking fangirl. Or at least that's how she was acting. And what the freaking fuck was a 'Sasuke Uchiha'? Sounded like some weeaboo thing. "Can I take a selfie with you?"

"No! And fuck off! I'm on patrol!"

"But Tobi's a good girl! She wants to learn from the best! She wants a really good teacher, and what better teacher than Shadow Stalker-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama…- _kun_ (1)."

It took a significant amount of time for Shadow Stalker to get her brain back into working order. "…What the FUCK is wrong with you?"

"It's a long list. Would you like to see?" Without waiting for any reply, Tobi unfurled a scroll. A very long scroll. "Of course, Tobi has issues. You have a subscription."

… _Was I just insulted?_

"Anyway, you're pretty good with that crossbow, right? Can you hit an apple in mid-air?"

"Yes," Sophia hissed angrily. _And I can also use it to give piercings to assholes_ , she added mentally.

"Okey-dokey!" Tobi then promptly chucked an apple into the air. Pretty high into the air, actually. Sophia, despite the lack of warning, drew her crossbow and shot the apple. Okay, it was a tranq round, but it hit the apple with a satisfying _thunk_.

And then, Tobi leapt into the air and caught it. **_Whoa_** _. That was actually kind of impressive_ , Sophia thought VERY grudgingly. Tobi seemed to pout behind that weird mask of hers, though.

"Aw, this apple is drugged. And it's too early for Halloween. I mean, better a drugged apple than one with razor blades, but still…oh well." In one hand, she held the apple, and in another, she formed an orb of energy that seemed to have a strange swirling noise to it. She could see energy spinning within it. " _Rasengan!_ " Tobi yelped, before mashing the orb and the apple together. The apple promptly exploded, chunks of the fruit hitting Sophia, who gritted her teeth.

"Go. _Away._ _ **NOW**_ ," Sophia snarled.

Tobi seemed to realise the danger she was in, because she promptly disappeared into a swirling vortex…and was she SERIOUSLY doing that whooping noise Curly from the Three Stooges did? Sophia very nearly put a crossbow bolt through the departing idiot then and there. Seriously, she should have been given a fucking medal for her self-restraint throughout that little escapade.

Maybe she could take it out on Taylor later…

* * *

Which turned out to be a bad idea. What with the booby-trapped locker. Her own locker. Along with almost everyone else's, whereupon everyone opening a locker got covered in some sort of soft drink or juice. Sophia got drenched in apple juice (with it hitting her clothes in the right way to make her look like she pissed herself), while Madison and Emma got drenched in Mountain Dew (ugh, that shit was practically toxic waste right there). Even Taylor ended up covered in Tang. Must've been some Tinker, or maybe Uber and Leet.

So, having been humiliated along with everyone else, she decided bullying Taylor today was not going to get her much satisfaction. She'd just have to shoot one of the Undersiders. Nah, she was in the mood for some E88 Nazi douchebag to turn into St fucking Valentine(2). With a side order of pained screaming.

* * *

She didn't notice Taylor's slight predatory smirk. _Worth it_ , she thought. Not to mention that this was pretty damned funny. She'd engineered the Mountain Dew a little to make it sticky enough so that Emma and Madison needed to trim their hair somewhat. This was SO going on YouTube…

Of course, she hadn't yet begun the humiliation of her enemies. Soon, they would learn to fear the name of Tobi!

Now, what next to do to fill her enemies' trousers with excrement from terror? Hmmm…

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, the reaction of Armsmaster and Dragon to Tobi, plus Tobi giving Bakuda pointers (and probably making Brockton Bay that bit more safer) and trolling the ever-loving fuck out of Shadow Stalker. Because, let's face it, Sophia is an irredeemable bitch who needs to go die in a hole.**

 **And yes, Tobi used the** ** _Rasengan_** **. Well, he had Minato as a teacher, and he copped a** ** _Rasengan_** **to the face (well, mask) at least once, courtesy of Naruto, and probably saw him using it God knows how many times. Tobi/Taylor probably figured out how to do it while consolidating her new abilities.**

 **1\. This is actually a running gag in LittleKuriboh's** ** _Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show_** **. Naruto frequently refers to Kakashi (or 'Bowie-sensei') with this storm of Japanese honorifics. No, really.**

 **2\. St Valentine was famously martyred by getting basically turned into an arrow pincushion. And while Sophia Hess doesn't really strike me as the sort of person to be interested in either history or theology, I think anyone who got turned into an arrow pincushion would probably get her notice. Maybe one of the Wards mentioned it to her.**


	16. Cicatrices Chapter 1

**I doubt that I'll ever get around to doing this as a full fic, but even so, I needed to write down this chapter, if nothing else. Basically, it's a version of one of the challenges The Infamous Man used to have, which was Naruto being executed by Konoha after retrieving Sasuke, and being reborn as a _Bleach_ character. My personal favourite stories inspired by that actually had him being reborn as one of the Homunculi from _Fullmetal Alchemist_ , including _Jealous Fox_ by mellra. This one, however, had a different premise. Instead of having an OP character from another franchise, why not have a different character, one who has a very different mindset, but the same shinobi powers?**

 **My idea, then, was Naruko (a female Naruto) reincarnated as Balalaika from _Black Lagoon_. And then, after dying in a gang war or something, Balalaika comes back to the Elemental Countries...only, her experience in Afghanistan and Roanapur, along with her ruthlessness, has been married with regaining her powers as a shinobi.**

 **Yeah, you have permission to piss yourselves in fear.**

* * *

 _ **CICATRICES**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **A WARLORD COMES HOME**

It had been a good death, one that had been a long time coming.

Her death didn't come for her on the battlefields of Afghanistan, though that war marred her body. The burns marring her face had given rise to a number of unflattering nicknames, including some suicidal souls calling her 'Fry Face' behind her back. But the burns didn't break her spirit. If anything, they became a badge of honour, more than anything her former government could possibly bestow upon her. And given how they had turned their backs on her, well, she felt it a badge she could wear with pride for the men who fought and, eventually, died alongside her.

Her death had come during a war on a smaller scale, when more crime gangs tried to muscle in on her patch in Roanapur, sparking off said war. But this time, she lost. It was something of a surprise to her to do so, and yet, it had happened. Given how vicious and strong the enemy was, how good of a fight they gave her, she actually had few regrets.

To virtually everyone in the know, she was known as 'Balalaika', a nickname bestowed upon her. While the name of a musical instrument, the only instrument she played was the Dragunov sniper rifle that gained the appellation of said instrument. The only music she played was a dirge, sending her foes to Hell.

However, she had been born Sofiya Pavlovna.

In her youth, she had been plagued by nightmares. Nightmares of mobs hounding her, calling her a demon. Beatings. Verbal abuse. The isolation that came from having no parents.

Flashes of a happier time, all so brief. Of fighting alongside a pink-haired girl and a brooding dark-haired boy, with a hairstyle like a duck's arse. A scarecrow of a man with a shock of silvery hair, lazy but good-natured. Vague remembrances of a beast within. Friends, some who stayed true, others who turned their back too readily.

Then, a mission that went wrong. The emo boy turned traitor. She was ordered to bring him back by any means necessary. And she did. But she found that someone had changed the rules. A coup in the village. Some friends turning traitor, others silenced by fear.

Then, an old mummy came into the cell where she had been kept, and tortured. The one that had displaced the old lady with the young features that she had gone to the trouble of finding. Danzo Shimura, she remembered. Even now, she remembered what they said in her waking hours.

" _You must understand, girl, I do this out of necessity more than anything else. These fools I pander to allow themselves to be governed by their emotions. But a true shinobi should not have those. They are tools, weapons. And that is what Hiruzen failed to realise. He tried to win over your loyalty with love, even as he allowed, even encouraged the mobs to attack you. It could have worked…but we have more immediate problems to address._ "

" _What the hell are you talking about, old man?_ " she had demanded, coughing up a gout of blood as she did so. Part of her had burned to hear that her grandfather figure had encouraged the abuse secretly. It was something Kakashi had confessed when he came to apologise for her capture…and beg for her forgiveness.

" _The Akatsuki, amongst other things. By killing you and with you, the_ Kyuubi, _we deny them their prize. And by allowing the last Uchiha to perform the execution of you, his closest friend, he will gain the_ Mangekyou Sharingan _that this village requires. The_ Kyuubi _will reform in time, and by that point, the Akatsuki will have been dealt with. And the Uzumaki should have been no more long ago. I take little pleasure in this, Naruko Uzumaki. Satisfaction, yes. But pleasure?_ " He turned his back to her, and limped away. " _It is probably likely that you will attempt to make this a spectacle…but try to die with the dignity befitting a Konoha_ kunoichi."

" _Fuck you, old man_ ," she had sneered. " _I'll die however I wish, not on your terms!_ "

Danzo had turned to look at her, the faintest glimmer of, if not respect, then acknowledgement in his visible eye. " _You have your mother's fire, I'll give you that. You can have a reunion when I send you to join her._ " In a perverse way, his tone had made it sound like he was doing her a favour.

Then, an arena. She was chained to a pillar, and the traitor was advancing on her, a smirk on his lips. Though it turned to a scowl when she said, " _What's the matter, Sasuke? You couldn't hit the mark last time trying to penetrate me. I pity any wives you have, assuming anyone wants to get married to the likes of you. You'd hit any hole but the right one!_ " A crude jab, but frankly, she was dead. She had nothing left to lose.

Sasuke scowled, his eyes changing from black to red, with a trio of comma-like marks, _tomoes_ , appearing, before he began gathering lightning around his hand, the sound of the now-familiar attack sounding like a thousand birds chirping all at once. " _You will give me the power to be able to beat Itachi, the_ Mangekyou Sharingan _. I will take your life, and your dream. I will be Hokage, and you will be worm food like you deserve_ ," he hissed. " _Now shut up and be of use, you stupid bitch._ _ **CHIDORI!**_ "

It was no less painful than the last couple of times he had done it to her. She convulsed and screamed silently, most of her lungs and almost all of her heart annihilated by the jutsu their teacher had taught him. Her blood sprayed and coated his forearm. But she looked up. And knew that in death, she had cheated him of one prize at least. His _Sharingan_ remained the same as ever. Because he wasn't her friend anymore. If he ever had been. With the last remnant of her breath, she rasped, " _I…win, you…_ _ **bastard**_ _._ "

His frustrated howl was music to her ears, even if it was the last thing she remembered when she fell into the void.

Now, here she was, back in the same void. Except…this wasn't a void. It was like she was lying, face up, in a sewer. Well, sans the smell of excrement and garbage. There was a musty smell, but also a smell of something…hot. Like a flame, except it seemed to have the quality of life.

She opened her eyes, frowning as she sat up. She was in a vast chamber, with bars walling off a section of the chamber. She looked down at herself. She wasn't wearing the suit she had worn when she had gone to war against those upstarts who killed her, but rather, the uniform she had worn in Afghanistan, albeit shorn of any identifying emblems. She touched her face tentatively. The burn scars were still there, and that was perversely comforting. They had become a part of Balalaika for some time.

Memories came flooding back of her dreams, except they were memories. She got to her feet, and faced the bars. "Well, this takes me back," she remarked. "I wonder, am I the only one here? I doubt that. Don't skulk in the darkness, _Kyuubi_."

A low, tenebrous growl came from the darkness, and a shape appeared on the other side of the bars. It was the first time she had seen her prisoner so clearly. It was a massive, flame-coloured fox with long, rabbit-like ears, and vaguely hand-like front paws. Nine tails waved languorously from its rump. " ** _Another lifetime has not improved your deportment much, human_** ," the _Kyuubi_ growled. " ** _Still you speak to your betters like you are superior, instead of bowing to My magnificence._** "

"And time has not improved your attitude much," Balalaika said. "But I merely told you not to skulk in the darkness. I would prefer to see whoever I converse with. I have a number of questions, and I was hoping that you might know the answer if I ask politely."

" ** _I have questions Myself, human, and even if I did know the answer to them, I may not feel inclined to answer yours._** "

"Very well. I guess the first question is, are we dead?"

The _Kyuubi_ looked around. " ** _The pair of us should be. The accursed Fourth Hokage, the man who damned Me to being imprisoned within you, and doomed you to your life, had sealed My essence into you in such a way that, when you perish, I perish with you, with no chance at reformation. That fool of a human believed otherwise. So to be here…_** "

…IS BECAUSE I WILLED IT TO BE, KURAMA.

The voice was more of a presence than anything like a sound. Balalaika turned to face the source. It was a tall, horrific being, demonic-looking, emaciated, dressed in white robes. Wild of hair and lavender of skin, it was intimidating.

Balalaika, however, had seen worse things in her life. Hansel and Gretel's rampage made this being's appearance pale by comparison. However, the Kyuubi recognised this apparition, and said, in a voice that had a slight but noticeable edge of fear, " ** _The Shinigami…the Reaper…_** "

INDEED. THE FATE OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD ARE MY PROVINCE. WHERE SOULS GO WHEN THEY DIE. The Reaper looked over at Balalaika. YOUR SOUL SLIPPED THROUGH THE CRACKS AND WAS REBORN IN THAT WORLD AS SOFIYA PAVLOVNA. WHEN YOU DIED, YOU CAME BACK TO THE ELEMENTAL COUNTRIES.

" _Xorošo_ ," Balalaika said with a touch of sarcasm. "So, why am I here?"

BECAUSE HUMAN GREED, AND THEN YOUR DEATH, DERAILED YOUR DESTINY. FEW TRULY STOOD BY YOU, EVEN IF THEY COULDN'T STOP YOUR EXECUTION. THE SENJU WOMAN AND HER ASSISTANT. YOUR TEACHER AND THE HARUNO GIRL. THE MISTRESS OF ILLUSIONS, AND TWO OF HER CHARGES, EXCLUDING THE DOG BOY. THE NARA AND THE AKIMICHI. THE SNAKE WOMAN, SHUNNED AS A POTENTIAL TRAITOR. THE RAMEN MAKERS. THE SCARRED TEACHER. THE WEAPONS MASTER, THE MARTIAL ARTIST AND HIS PROTÉGÉ. THEY EXISTED WITHIN A SMALL MINORITY WHO VIEWED YOU AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DEMON, A WEAPON, OR AN OBJECT OF CONTEMPT. YOU WERE BORN TO HELP SAVE THE WORLD, BUT THEY EITHER SOUGHT TO CONTROL YOU, OR DESTROY YOU.

"And? I am not sure I care about the fate of that world, especially Konoha."

AND YOUR FRIENDS? NOT JUST THOSE WITHIN KONOHA, BUT WITHOUT? WHAT OF GAARA OR HIS SIBLINGS? WHAT OF THE PEOPLE OF WAVE COUNTRY? AND WHAT OF THE AMBITIONS OF AKATSUKI AND ITS LEADERSHIP? ONE THING THAT DIDN'T CHANGE WAS YOUR CARE FOR YOUR COMRADES, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. YOU WISHED TO BE A HOKAGE, A LEADER OF WARRIORS. IN YOUR LIFE AS BALALAIKA, YOU WERE. THIS TIME, YOU CAN FULFIL YOUR AMBITION, BUT NOT AS A HOKAGE…THOUGH YOU CAN BE A KAGE ANYWAY. TIME MOVES DIFFERENTLY BETWEEN UNIVERSES. I CAN RETURN YOU TO THE ELEMENTAL COUNTRIES MERE WEEKS AFTER YOUR EXECUTION.

"I would rather go to whatever afterlife awaits me, the depths of Hell in all likelihood, to be with my comrades," Balalaika said icily.

IF YOU WILL NOT GO OUT OF ALTRUISM OR A DESIRE FOR POWER…THEN WOULD VENGEANCE SUFFICE? THE MAN WHO ORCHESTRATED YOUR PARENTS' DEATHS LIVES AS LEADER OF THE AKATSUKI. THE MAN WHO ORDERED YOUR EXECUTION INTENDS TO IGNITE THE CONFLAGRATION OF WAR. AND THE BOY WHO IMPALED YOU WITH LIGHTNING SEEKS ONLY HIS OWN POWER. IN ANY CASE, YOU SPEAK AS IF YOU HAVE THE OPTION TO REFUSE MY MISSION.

"And I do not? I was born in a country that overthrew its emperors and gods. You may be powerful, but what can you do to me that I haven't experienced already? I know physical and emotional pain as intimately as lovers."

YOU DELUDE YOURSELF. I KNOW YOU. I HAVE GIVEN YOU A NEW BODY, IN ITS PRIME. I LEFT THE SCARS, AS I THOUGHT YOU WOULD PREFER THEM. BUT YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO THE POWER OF A SHINOBI. CONSIDER THAT MARRIED WITH THE TRAINING YOU UNDERWENT IN THE SOVIET ARMY. AND YOUR NEW BODY RESIDES NOW ON THE WRECKED HOME OF YOUR CLAN. UZU. YOUR MISSION IS TO BRING PEACE ONCE MORE TO THE ELEMENTAL COUNTRIES. NOW GO FORTH.

Balalaika opened her mouth to berate the Reaper, only for the dark deity to shimmer and vanish. " _Ubljúdok_ ," she muttered venomously in Russian as darkness filled her vision…

* * *

The first thing she noticed was the distant sound of the ocean. As blue eyes flickered open, she saw ruined buildings on either side of her. She stood, and found herself in the middle of a ruined city.

 _Uzu_ … she thought to herself. _Home of my ancestors_.

Well, it seemed like the Reaper wasn't giving Balalaika any choice. With an annoyed sigh of resignation, the woman known in her first life as Naruko Uzumaki, and in the last one as Balalaika, trudged off through the ruined city. The only consolation she could get from this mess was that at least this life would be interesting, even if only in the curse sense of the word…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Balalaika, aka female Naruto, has come back home** ** _a la_** **The Infamous Man's challenge. Well, it's no longer on his profile, but hey.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	17. Luctor et Emergo Prologue

**Okay, so, here's another unusual crossover, and one that, unlike the last one, has a better chance of becoming a full story. I did copy and past the first third of the chapter from _Dulce Periculum_ , but what happens next is different.**

 **Now, this is one of those stories that came from one of those odd epiphanies. I had wanted to do a _Metroid_ crossover for a while, but was figuring out how to do a Potterverse one. I couldn't make that work without either doing a Master of Death story, or doing some wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey BS. But then, I thought, hang a moment...Samus could easily be Naruto's mother...or, with the possibility of her hybridised DNA, his grandmother, being the mother of Minato. Combining that with a bashing story gave way to this. Okay, Samus has had a bit of an out-of-character moment, what with being captured and experimented upon by Orochimaru...but hey, at least it's more plausible than half of what she does in _Metroid: Other M_. And as you'll see, she busts out once someone fucks up.**

 **While the possibility of this becoming a full story isn't set in stone, I have a good feeling about this one. I don't think any other _Naruto/Metroid_ crossover has done this. Hope you enjoy.**

 **Oh, and the title, being yet another pretentious use of Latin, means _I struggle and emerge_.**

* * *

 _ **LUCTOR ET EMERGO**_

 **PROLOGUE:**

 **A HUNTER AND HER FOX**

Many of the jutsus and Bloodline Limits of the shinobi of the Elemental Nations were strange, exotic, beyond the ken of most people. Through jutsus and Bloodline Limits, shinobi could breathe fire like a dragon, summon up lightning into the hand, turn their bodies into water, shape the earth into walls or spikes, or summon up a tempest of wind. Some clans used their bodies as hives for symbiotic insects, or had eyes that could anticipate and copy techniques, or could even turn the very bones of their bodies into weapons.

To many civilians, shinobi were considered freaks. Sometimes, they were looked on with envy or hatred. Even other shinobi sometimes despised Bloodline Limits…or that nonet of humans turned into monsters, or rather, prisons for monsters, often without having a say, even if they were generally too young to have a say.

These human prisons were known as _jinchuriki_ , a term literally meaning 'the power of human sacrifice'. They were prisons for the entities known as _Bijuu_ , or the Tailed Beasts, beings of pure chakra, massive beasts with calamitous power. How much power they had was generally denoted by the number of tails each beast had. And the most powerful was the _Kyuubi no Youko_ , or the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox.

Due to various circumstances, the various _Bijuu_ and their _jinchuriki_ were scattered all over the Elemental Nations. This was due to the actions of Hashirama Senju, the first leader or Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, better known as Konoha. But the _Kyuubi_ remained in the hands of Konoha, its wardens more or less secret from the populace at large. Until the third such _jinchuriki_.

Resentment had been building within elements of Konoha's leadership for some time. Not all of it, but the generation that had served under the first two Hokages, plus a few others, had resented the fact that the _jinchuriki_ that held the _Kyuubi_ hadn't been shaped into their idea of a weapon. In their eyes, the Senjus had coddled their _jinchuriki_ , Mito Uzumaki. And the Uzumaki clan had kept an eye on the next one, Kushina…at least until the destruction of Uzushio, a destruction that few realised Konoha had a secret hand in. But by that time, again, it was too late to shape Kushina Uzumaki to their own ends, especially once she caught the eye of Minato Namikaze, rising star of Konoha.

Still, the vultures waited, hoping there might come an opportunity. And when the _Kyuubi_ attacked while Kushina was giving birth to a son, the opportunity came. Minato died a hero, a martyr, using the Reaper Seal to seal part of the _Kyuubi_ 's chakra into his son Naruto. Kushina, officially, perished of wounds the _Kyuubi_ inflicted on her. And Naruto Uzumaki was condemned to a life where he would never know his heritage, or true affection, save for what anyone brave enough to help him or see past the reputation cultivated for him by Machiavellian minds did.

Most of Konoha viewed him with contempt and loathing, but did little more than use verbal and psychological abuse. But occasionally, idiots or drunkards would grow bold, and attack him. His birthdays were the worst: after all, he was born on the day of the _Kyuubi_ attack, and while officially those who attacked him were punished, too many within the authorities turned a blind eye. Not out of hatred, but perhaps for a worse reason: greed. They were hoping to shape a weapon out of Naruto Uzumaki by alternating between hatred and, from a select few, kindness.

There were some who genuinely cared for him. The owner of a ramen restaurant and his daughter. A pair of prodigies with the _Sharingan_ , one an Uchiha, the other not. A woman who was considered an outcast of the village herself because of her traitorous teacher. A few of the _jounin_ who might very well become Naruto's teacher one day. Some of the clan heads and their immediate families, including the Hyuugas, the Aburames, the Yamanakas and the Akimichis. But they were in the minority.

What some didn't know, though, was that Naruto had a hidden legacy. Few knew that Minato Namikaze was his father…and even fewer knew that Minato Namikaze was the son of a figure once feared across the Elemental Nations. One that had disappeared shortly before the Kyuubi attack.

But now, it was time for the Hunter to re-emerge from the shadows…

* * *

Orochimaru pinched the bridge of his nose. Normally, he would not stoop to using such expressions of exasperation, but he could be excused. One of his top R&D bases just got wiped out, after all. It had been some hours since then, and he was trying to piece together what actually happened.

It was immensely irritating because he had been researching and experimenting in that base on behalf of the Third Hokage and Danzo of ROOT (albeit in secret) on a particular test subject, along with technology he had been trying, and failing, to reverse-engineer. He'd left that base to some apparently trusted subordinates…and yet this had now happened.

"Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto said, approaching him. "I have found and interrogated one of the few survivors. He said that those you left in charge engaged in unauthorised experiments with the test subject and their technology. He couldn't say what they were doing, but one of them, the one we suspected of being Danzo's plant, was the one leading it."

"Danzo…" Orochimaru growled. The old mummified spider had always pressured him for results quicker and faster, but even when one rid one's self of the chains of ethics and morality, proper results took time. Not that Danzo seemed to care of late. "Anything else?"

"Not that I can tell. Most of the base has been devastated, and the blast matches a more powerful version of the test subject's ordinance. Given how thoroughly it destroys matter, we can't tell whether this was an escape or just these idiots messing up. None of the survivors saw anything, and our surveillance systems cut out, with the tapes wiped. The upshot is, the test subject and their technology are both gone. Destroyed or at liberty, we don't know. I have sent out a search party."

Orochimaru cursed inwardly. It'd be bad enough if the test subject was dead, and their technology gone with them. It'd be even worse if said test subject was alive, at liberty, and in possession of their technology. "Very well…but we need to keep this quiet. As far as anyone else is concerned, the test subject perished with the base…"

* * *

Through a dark and dismal forest, a boy fled for his life from murderous pursuers. He had short, spiky blonde hair, sky-blue eyes, and whisker marks on his cheeks. He wore an orange jumpsuit, now streaked with mud and blood.

Naruto Uzumaki was eleven years old, and far from happy with his lot in life.

Not for the first time, he had to escape from a rampaging mob by heading into the Forest of Death (thank goodness for that crazy snake lady giving him that hint). But he could hear at least one persistent shinobi crashing through the woods after him, cursing about the demon brat. And he was losing blood from a nasty gash one of the mob had inflicted on him.

Then, Naruto tripped on a root, sending himself flying, landing and skidding along in the mud. Almost immediately, he felt a weight on his back as his pursuer held him down. "Nowhere to run anymore, brat. This is what you deserve. Bad enough that senile excuse for a Hokage lets a demon run around with impunity, but to let you prank…death's too good for you."

Naruto had prayed before, for someone, anyone, to help him from his predicament. Sometimes, the masked ninja, the ones called ANBU, helped him. He remembered Inu doing so. Or maybe the crazy snake lady would. But sometimes, help never came. He prayed anyway, but he was almost certain this time that he wouldn't get an answer.

" _Get off the boy, now._ "

The voice had a metallic, flanging effect to it, making gender impossible to discern. The pressure on Naruto's back only lessened slightly. The shinobi asked, puzzled, "Hey, what the hell are you?"

" _Your worst nightmare if you don't get off the boy now._ "

"He's a demon! He needs to die!"

" _I see no demon. I just see a scared boy being attacked by an older man who can't tell the difference between a sealing scroll and a weapon inside it. This is your last warning._ "

"Fuck you, you don't scare me with that armour of yours and that tube thing! Too small to even be a cannon! I…" Suddenly, there was a noise, and a brief scream of agony. Naruto felt heat on his back, before it, along with the weight of the man, was gone.

But he was so exhausted and tired, and the blood loss was making itself known. All he could to was roll weakly onto his back, and look up at his erstwhile saviour. He caught a glimpse of orange and golden armour, before everything went dark…

* * *

When he woke up, it was to a flat and clipped, but somewhat strident man's voice. "… _Caused by chronic malnutrition. Regenerative processes astonishing, but given our data on your daughter-in-law, hardly surprising. Evidence remains of prior injuries to his bones and tissues. All of which points to chronic physical abuse. Brain chemistry suggests chronic stress and depression. Given that he is a_ jinchuriki, _that's hardly surprising._ "

" _Damn. They never treated Kushina anywhere near as badly. Then again, she pretty much grew up under Mito's aegis, and Mito wouldn't have let this happen._ " This was the voice he heard earlier. " _Thank goodness that he shares my DNA. Feeding him energy directly seems to have done him good. No side effects from removing that seal?_ "

" _None as far as I can tell. He is awake now._ "

Naruto decided not to bother pretending, opening his eyes. He snapped them shut almost immediately, wincing from the bright lights, before he opened them again. He found the armoured figure from earlier looking down at him, though this time, he could see them clearly.

The armour was orange and gold, with a pair of spherical elements to the shoulders. The helmet was small and enclosed, the visor covered by nearly-opaque green glass from which he felt an uncomfortable degree of scrutiny. The left arm was enclosed in a tube-like device. The armour seemed to be oddly slender and, well, too compact for what Naruto had seen.

They were in a brightly-lit room, filled with strange equipment that buzzed and beeped and hummed, much of which he hadn't seen before. There were TV screens and the like, but he didn't recognise half of what he saw.

" _Hi_ ," the armoured figure said. " _I'll bet you're wondering why you're here._ "

"Where am I?" Naruto asked. "And who are you?"

" _Two very good questions. The where is pretty simple. You're in my base, under the Forest of Death. I excavated it long ago when I first came to Konoha. It's been inactive for some time. I've been away, you see. Abducted, kept prisoner. In a coma for the most part. It's only been now that I managed to finally escape. I came here to see what happened to my family. Unfortunately, they're dead…save for you._ "

Naruto's eyes widened. "What?!"

The armoured figure then began to glow, and suddenly, the armour itself seemed to dissolve away. In its place was left a woman. Yes, a woman. There was no indication until the armour disappeared that it was a woman wearing it, save perhaps for the slender lines of the armour.

The woman was wearing a figure-hugging blue skinsuit that showed off her beautiful, athletic frame. An insignia was emblazoned on her left breast. The way she held herself was at once both relaxed and yet ready to spring into action.

But it was her face that really caught his attention. And it wasn't just the beautiful face that caught it, framed by blonde hair currently done up in a ponytail. It was the eyes, a bluish-green not unlike his own, though his was a deeper blue. In fact, he could see a slight but noticeable resemblance to that which he saw in the mirror every morning. She appeared to be in her twenties, though her eyes had something of a weight of age to them. A weariness and a hardness, but also a gentle warmth, a maternal look to them.

"My name is Samus Aran. And I am your grandmother, Naruto Uzumaki…"

 **PROLOGUE ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Whoa. So, Samus is looking pretty good for a grandmother. Must be all the Chozo and Metroid DNA in her. We'll have a timeskip to the next chapter. And don't worry, Samus will still be a badass. Getting imprisoned and experimented upon by Orochimaru is probably her lowest point, and even then, once she got the opportunity…she escaped, and razed the base to the ground. Then again, blowing up enemy bases seems to be her raison d'etre, doesn't it?**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	18. Luctor et Emergo Chapter 1

**I'm gratified at the response this fic got. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Admittedly, there is a lot copied and pasted from _Dulce Periculum_.**

* * *

 _ **LUCTOR ET EMERGO**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **TEAM 7**

 _One year later_ …

Naruto tried to keep the grin off his face as he waited for Iruka to finish his little speech. Iruka looked a little beaten-up, but that was understandable, given what happened last night. That traitorous bastard Mizuki had tried to con Naruto into stealing the Scroll of Seals after graduating. Naruto only played along because it meant getting some extremely interesting jutsus. He already knew the _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ thanks to his grandmother's tutelage (she may not have been able to use chakra, having come here too late in her life to utilise it, but she still had her son's texts on the matter, and wasn't that a surprise to learn that his father was the Fourth Hokage?), the Shadow Clone Technique being a better clone technique than most. But there were others ready to be copied. And he had done so.

Naruto had graduated, but Mizuki had come up with some stupid excuse that stealing the scroll was part of a test to fast-track potential _chunin_. Naruto pretended to buy that, but he hadn't meant for Iruka to get involved. He hadn't liked Iruka at first, and the feeling was mutual, but he had grown to trust the scarred teacher, even if he couldn't trust him enough.

There were few he did trust without question. There was his grandmother, of course, whom he teased mercilessly by calling her 'Granny Samus'. There was Kakashi Hatake and Anko Mitarashi. There was his girlfriend of the past few months, Hinata Hyuuga, and her father. And there was Tsunade Senju and her protégé Shizune, with whom he had met for the first time only a couple of months ago, with Samus all but dragging him to meet Tsunade. That was hilarious, Tsunade accusing Samus of using a _henge_ or transformation to disguise her true age. Which was the pot calling the kettle black, really.

Tsunade was furious to learn what had happened. She didn't know about Naruto, or his burden. She instantly opted to become Naruto's godmother after learning he had none, and his godfather had betrayed them. It was he who had ambushed Samus, managing to use a special seal trap to render her unconscious and disable her Power Suit. Samus had developed a counter to that seal, thankfully, but was spending this time trying not to draw attention to herself, undertaking jobs anonymously, concealing her armour and only bringing in people dead rather than alive. Dead men told no tales, after all.

In any case, Naruto had graduated, and while he wouldn't be on the same team as his girlfriend, he would be under the aegis of Kakashi. And while unofficially, Kakashi was under instructions to favour Sasuke Uchiha most of all, he still promised to help what he could with Naruto's own training. At least once he had cooled off with his continual asking Sakura for dates (it took Anko and Samus pointing out that, not only did Sakura hate his pestering, but Hinata liked him), Sakura had become, if not friends with Naruto, then cordial.

Of course, Naruto had to be careful. His grandmother had gifted him his own version of her Power Suit, something he could only wear because, like her, he had elements of Chozo DNA. He was already more powerful in terms of strength and speed than even most _jounin_ , though that had been, until recently, restricted by a seal. And if he revealed that to the wrong people…well, he had a special seal concealing his own version of his grandmother's Zero Suit, which was mostly hidden by his habitual orange jacket and trousers (he actually liked the colour, and besides, if he could sneak around in Target Practise Orange, he was a stealth master).

" ** _I find Myself bored already with waiting. And knowing the Hatake with the thrice-cursed_** **Sharingan,** ** _you will be waiting longer, and so shall I._** "

Ah yes, the beast within. The _Kyuubi_ , or more properly, Kurama. Naruto had been told the beast's true name by his grandmother, who had learned it from Mito. And after a rocky start when finally meeting Kurama, Naruto and Kurama had eventually come to an agreement. A détente of sorts, although their interactions were already friendlier by now. It had gotten to the point where Kurama was snarking and being generally grumpy, as opposed to threatening to chow down on Naruto and his friends. That Naruto was getting smarter and stronger without using his chakra helped. That, and that Naruto knew the truth.

 _I warned Kakashi that if he's late, I'll prank him to within an inch of his life. Besides, I brought that book along_.

" ** _Such a pity that we could not accompany your grandmother to keep tabs on the treacherous toad. I confess Myself to wishing to observe his protracted demise._** "

 _We'll deal with him when the time comes_ …

* * *

True to form, Kakashi was late, though as he was late only by about half an hour, Naruto let him off with a blackboard duster to the noggin, perched above the door. Had he been any later…well, itching powder at a bare minimum.

Kakashi looked at them, the silver-haired shinobi with the mask covering his nose and lips, and his forehead protector pulled down over one eye. "Hmm…how can I put this? I don't really like you guys."

Naruto rolled his eyes. Sasuke, true to form, did little more than intensify his usual, sullen glower. Sakura seemed more taken aback by the insult.

"Okay," Kakashi said. "Follow me to the roof."

And so they did. They sat down opposite their new teacher, only Naruto having any real idea of what was coming next. He knew that Kakashi was something of a troll, something he did in honour of his former teammate, Obito, the one he got the _Sharingan_ from.

"Okay, now that we're here, how about we introduce ourselves?" Kakashi said.

"How do we do that?" Naruto asked, knowing full well what was coming.

"Well, name, age, likes and dislikes, any hobbies or dreams for the future. Stuff like that."

"Well, how about you go first, sensei?" Sakura asked. "I mean, we know each other through the academy, but we don't know you."

"Hmm. Very well. I'm Kakashi Hatake. I am 26 years old. My likes and dislikes are none of your business. I've never really thought about dreams for the future. And, well, I have plenty of hobbies."

Naruto snickered. Two could play at the game of being a troll. "You're Kakashi of the _Sharingan_ , thanks to an implanted _Sharingan_. You like reading, particularly the _Icha-Icha_ series and the latest Bingo books, and being late. You dislike punctuality, in yourself anyway, and any woman seeing your face without the mask. I don't know what your dreams are, though I'd be willing to bet that an _Icha-Icha_ film is one of them. Your best-known hobby is reading _Icha-Icha_ books in public, though I heard you get roped into challenges with Might Guy."

Sasuke looked sharply at Kakashi, who waved him off. "You can find out many of those things in the Bingo book, or by asking other people here in Konoha. Remember, a key part of any shinobi's job is to gather intelligence. Case in point, Blondie, seeing since you're so eager to divulge my secrets, how about you divulge yours?"

"Sure! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm twelve! I like ramen, my girlfriend Hinata, as well as the friends I have. I dislike the time it takes for instant ramen to cool down before I can eat it, as well as idiots who can't tell the difference between a sealing scroll and a weapon sealed in it. My dream is to become the best shinobi I can ever be, at least as strong as the Fourth Hokage! My hobbies, well, spending time with my friends, training, and comparing different types of ramen, I guess."

Kakashi nodded. "Pinky? You're up next."

"Sure! I'm Sakura Haruno, and I'm twelve. I like…" She shot a brief glance at Sasuke and blushed. "…I like reading and studying. I dislike loud idiots and Ino. My hobbies…" Again, she shot a brief glance at Sasuke. "…Well, they include reading and researching. And my dream is to marry, as well as to become a _kunoichi_ on a par with Tsunade."

"Quite some dream," Kakashi remarked. "Okay, Broody, your turn."

Sasuke scowled, as was his wont to do, but began. "I am Sasuke Uchiha, and I am twelve. I like few things that I don't care to name, and I dislike many things that would take too long to list. My hobbies are training and studying. I won't call what I intend a dream, but an ambition I intend to make reality: to revive my clan, and to kill a certain man."

"Namely, he wants to commit fratricide. Not that I can blame him that much," Naruto said.

"And what do you care, dunce?" Sasuke asked coldly.

"Now, now," Kakashi said. "No need to fight. Your introductions were good. I have to say, you're pretty unique individuals. So, we'll be performing a mission of sorts tomorrow with the four of us."

"And what's that?" Naruto asked, though he knew, roughly, what was coming. Kakashi hadn't spoken of the details, being rather coy about them, but he had hinted there was an additional test after the graduation exams and team assignments.

"A survival exercise. Before you protest that you've done this before in the academy, let me point something out. You'll be surviving against me." He began to chuckle. "You see, this sort of exercise will probably scare you. Let's put it to you three bluntly. You are three out of 27 graduates from this class. Out of those 27, 9 will become _genin_ , in three teams. Therefore, this test has a 66% failure rate. The eighteen who fail this test go back for remedial training." On the appalled looks on Sakura's face, and even Naruto's, Kakashi chuckled malevolently. "See what I mean?"

"BS! What was the point of that in the academy?!" Naruto demanded.

"The tests you went through? Oh, that was just weeding out the most hopeless cases, as well as ensuring that those who did had the bare minimum skills to be a shinobi," Kakashi said. "You guys have potential, but it is this test that ensures you have what it takes. Anyway, tomorrow morning, be at Training Ground Three by seven o'clock. Don't be late, don't forget to bring all your equipment for a combat situation…oh, and don't eat breakfast. I mean, you could, but I'd suggest not, unless you particularly like vomiting…"

* * *

That evening, Naruto headed back home. Not his apartment, though he went there first so that he could use a Shadow Clone, and then a special space-time jutsu seal, to fool any watchers of where he truly went.

He was in his grandmother's base. That had been home for the past year. Okay, it was lonely with her gone for the past couple of weeks to keep an eye on Jiraiya, but still…

As he walked through the corridors of the base, a computer screen lit up, showing a stern-faced man in military uniform. " _Naruto_ ," Adam Malkovich, or rather, the artificial intelligence based on a copy of his mind, said. " _Did it go well?_ "

"Yep. Still gotta do this other test," Naruto said, pouting slightly. He explained what Kakashi had told them.

Adam frowned. " _While I cannot say for sure what this exercise will be, I can hazard some guesses, as I have presided over your grandmother's training, and that of many others. It sounds like Kakashi Hatake wants to face you in battle. However, under normal circumstances, a single_ genin _cannot prevail against a_ jounin, _unless they have a truly powerful trump card. Three_ genin _would stand a better chance, albeit not by much. Perhaps Hatake wishes to test your teamwork._ "

Naruto scowled at the thought. Okay, he got along with Sakura much better now that he wasn't actively pursuing her, and his skills improving had actually garnered some small respect from her. Not that he showed off all his improving skills: that might alert the Hokage to what had happened. But Sasuke? Yeah, the brooding loner wouldn't be amenable to teamwork. "How was Samus at teamwork?"

" _During training, she did well. But she much preferred working independently. It caused considerable friction between us during the Bottle Ship incident._ "

A familiar voice came through the door. "If I recall correctly, Adam, you ordered me to not use any of my ordinance until you allowed me to. And I told you, albeit with all the respect you were due, to go jump(1)."

"Granny Samus!" Naruto yelped, leaping at Samus Aran, currently clad only in her Zero Suit, and hugging her, only to be lightly bopped on the head.

"Enough of the granny stuff! I may be older than I look, but I'm not going to be treated like a granny!" Samus snapped, albeit light-heartedly. She was ruffling Naruto's hair afterwards.

"So, how was the mission?" Naruto asked. "I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

"Jiraiya got suspicious, so I left sooner. I stopped by to see Tsunade. She's keeping an eye on things for us. She's heard a little more about this Akatsuki organisation that's meant to be after you. Given what I learned by poking about, I think I know who one of the leaders may be. Namely an old apprentice of Jiraiya's who got screwed over. I've already made overtures to deliver Jiraiya and Danzo to them eventually. Though their interest in the Tailed Beasts is disturbing."

" _Any independent group's interest in the local equivalent of WMDs is disturbing, or indeed any superpower that doesn't possess them_ ," Adam said. " _From what little we learned, the Akatsuki are a mercenary organisation that effectively rules Ame, but they take assignments from other Hidden Villages. Given that Orochimaru is a former member, and that a number of rogue shinobi have become members_ …"

"Yes. Deidara, the Mad Bomber of Iwa, Sasori of the Red Sands, Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, the Tailless Tailed Beast…" Samus counted off on her fingers. "And I've heard rumours that Kakuzu, that greedy old heart-collector, has joined."

"Wasn't that the guy you clashed with on a bounty?" Naruto asked, recognising the name from one of his grandmother's anecdotes.

"It wasn't the first time, even on this world." Samus sighed ruefully. "Actually, that's how I met your grandfather, Arashi Namikaze(2). Anyway, enough of that. Let's hear what's happened over the past few weeks while I was away…"

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Okay, so we've got Naruto, having been trained by Samus, about to take his first step into the world of being a shinobi, and Samus hasn't been idle either. But what next?**

 **1\. Okay, I don't like the story of** ** _Metroid: Other M_** **, or rather, how it handled Samus' character. But the story, in broad strokes, does work, so here, I've made a bit of snark at it. Samus may respect Adam, but no way in hell the real Samus would willingly hobble herself in that way for him.**

 **2\. Minato's father's name is a reference to the fanon name for the Fourth Hokage, at least until his name was revealed. Hence this.**


	19. Imperium Sine Fine Chapter 1

**So...it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, this is a story idea that I can see going places. After reading multiple versions of a similar story (the best of which is _Naruto: Wrath of the Emperor_ by Snafu the Great, IMO, and I do recommend it, even if it's a cliched bashfest, as it is enjoyable all the same), I thought I'd throw my hat into the 'Western Emperor' story ring.**

 **For those of you unfamiliar with the trope, the story basically begins with Naruto being banished from Konoha after managing to retrieve Sasuke at the end of Part I. He heads west to avoid his pursuers, and ends up in another country which he eventually rises to become the ruler of. Said country is frequently populated by OCs (as in the case of Snafu the Great, though they actually pull it off well), or else a fuckton of crossover characters mashed together and made ridiculously OP compared to the _Naruto_ characters...or else the _Naruto_ characters are nerfed to stupid degrees for the most part (I suspect the latter).**

 **I've considered doing a story like this for some time, but I wanted to do it in a better way. I wanted to find a single crossover I could merge with the idea, one that would be appropriate. I'd idly considered the likes of Westeros and Essos from _A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones_ , amongst others. In addition, I wanted to avoid the Sakura, Kakashi and Tsunade-bashing prevalent in many of these stories, and also ensure that Naruto remains, well, recognisibly Naruto. While still a hypercompetent badass, I still wanted to retain the goofiness and occasional blonde moments.**

 **My crossover is a fairly unlikely, but oddly appropriate choice. Many of the 'Western Emperor' stories choose to make Naruto Emperor of a Roman-like civilisation, and I have recently started watching the anime series _GATE: Thus the JSDF Fought There_ , and have been considering a crossover with that franchise. _Naruto_ is but one of many crossovers I am considering with that series (with the Potterverse, _Girl Genius, One Punch Man_ , and _Hellsing_ also under consideration), but this idea just seemed to write itself. Of course, whether it becomes a full fic is another matter.**

 **For those of you familiar with _GATE_ , the Gate doesn't make an appearance in this story. Indeed, the beginning of this story would be set about a year before the Gate appears in Japan anyway, and Naruto and Hinata's ages (along with the other Naruto characters) have been bumped up a year or two, so they're about 17 at about the time this story starts, shortly before Part II.**

* * *

 _ **IMPERIUM SINE FINE**_

 **CHAPTER 1:**

 **THE NUMBER ONE KNUCKLEHEADED NINJA EMPEROR**

In another time, another world, Shakespeare said that some are born great, others achieve greatness, and others have it thrust upon them. Those who desire power and elevated positions fail to realise that keeping it is a difficult matter. It may come with many a perk, but there are frequently downsides, whether one's style is to be a despotic autocrat, or benevolent dictator. Not that it stops people from playing the game of thrones, hoping to sit on the seat for a very long and pleasurable time.

In a way, the current leader of the Saderan Empire had all three happen to him. He was born to greatness, albeit far to the east, beyond the borders of their lands, only to have it snatched away from him. More than once, he had greatness thrust upon him. And now, he had truly achieved greatness, having overthrown the previous Emperor, Molt Sol Augustus.

Unusually, where Molt Sol Augustus had a wife and multiple concubines, the new Emperor had but one concubine, his wife being Pina Co Lada, married to cement his claim to the throne. His concubine had been one of those who had accompanied him from the East, once a timid girl, now a young woman of peerless beauty. This wasn't to say that the Emperor neglected his wife. In truth, the three of them were the best of friends, and Pina had been one of the new Emperor's first friends when he first arrived in Falmart. She was also one of the first taught the secret arts that were part of a now-elite warrior group of the army of the Empire. Few had the capability of learning this, admittedly. But Pina Co Lada, at eighteen, was now one of the strongest women in the Empire, who wasn't an Apostle, of course.

The current Emperor's strength was in unifying people under his banner, not by force or threats, but by charisma, albeit an unconventional one. He first made his mark intervening in the conflict between the Bunny Warriors and Prince Zorzal. Zorzal had been forced to retreat in disgrace and shame, and he would come to curse the name of the man who would eventually have him executed by the very woman he intended to keep as a sex slave, Queen Tyuule of the Bunny Warriors. Said Queen was now a respected ally of the current Emperor.

Another mark was made when he gained the allegiance of Rory Mercury, the infamous Apostle of Emroy, the God of War, Darkness, and Destruction. It was an unconventional friendship more than anything else, but the Apostle was notorious for not really showing allegiance to anyone. Then again, Rory got along best with another one of the Emperor's entourage who had followed him from the East.

The current Emperor ended up exploiting the discontent many nobles and client kings had towards Molt Sol Augustus, eventually causing a civil war that ended a mere year before. And the Senate promptly began squabbling over a successor, only for them to reluctantly decide to elevate the Eastern barbarian, as many called the Emperor back then. Some thought he'd be a handy puppet to manipulate. Others were just weary of war, and wanted peace. And others still had witnessed the terrifying power he had unleashed on the battlefield, that took the form of a massive fox made out of sanguine red energy, and thought that it would be better to have him on their side than not.

So it was that he was crowned, the first of his name, Emperor…

* * *

"NARUTO NAMIKAZE!"

Naruto sat bolt upright in bed, spluttering from the water splashed onto his face. He blinked away the water, to find a familiar pink-haired girl glaring at him with green eyes. Behind her, looking torn between irritation and amusement, was a red-haired girl, a little older, in ceremonial armour. "Geez, Sakura, what was that for?!" the blonde ninja and Emperor of the West demanded.

"You have a meeting scheduled with the Cabinet today, remember? In an hour, in fact. A discussion on the latest intelligence on the Akatsuki and Oto." Sakura facepalmed. "I'm not your secretary, Naruto, and I'm not your alarm clock either."

The familiar dark-haired, buxom form of Hinata Hyuuga sat up in bed too, peering at Sakura irritably with her pale eyes. "No, you're Naruto's Minister of Health. So why are you waking us up in such a rude manner?"

"I suggested it to her," Pina said, smiling a little. The redhead used to be rather serious most of the time, but her experiences with Naruto got her to loosen up, at least on occasions when she could allow her decorum to slip. "Also, Lady Anko…"

"She hates it when you call her Lady, Pina," Naruto said, getting off the bed, naked as the day he was born, revealing a slender, athletic frame, the seal of the _Kyuubi_ still on his stomach. Sakura blushed heavily, while Pina…blushed a little less. As he began donning his robes, he said, "I guess it's about that ROOT spy we caught sniffing around. Did she bypass that seal?"

"Sadly, no," Pina said, shaking her head. "The ROOT operative died. However, it means that we have the interest of Danzo Shimura."

"Which isn't good," Sakura said. "ROOT are meant to be the elite of the elite when it came to ANBU. It was supposed to be disbanded, but obviously, Danzo went against the Third Hokage's orders. And given what we have heard through our few people in Konoha…"

"Danzo's gathering support for a _coup d'etat_ ," Hinata concluded, as she got out of bed and dressed in robes. "And just because we found one ROOT operative doesn't mean we can't find another. We got lucky when Rory sensed the bloodshed on his hands."

"There's other related news," Pina said. "We have received word from Tsunade that a delegation from Konoha is on its way. It is being led by Jiraiya, and has the remnants of Team 8, as well as Team 9 and 10 and their senseis accompanying them, along with the Clan Heads of the Hyuuga, Aburame, Akimichi, Yamanaka and Nara families. She managed to shoot down the suggestion of Sasuke Uchiha being sent as an emissary, thankfully. But…"

"They can discern my identity," Naruto mused, chewing on his lip. "I mean, you guys have statues and banners with my face on them all over the Capital, and my name is known to most of the population. And no doubt they'll want their weapon back when they realise that."

"It's not all bad news," Sakura said. "I've read the missive, and Tsunade has indicated that Kurenai Yuuhi and Team 9 may be potential defectors. The same for the Naras. Ino, though…well, she's still an Uchiha fangirl, and they were recently wed."

"Once upon a time, you were a fangirl," Hinata teased the pink-haired _kunoichi_.

"That's the pot calling the kettle black, Hinata. The only difference being, you lucked out," Sakura said, her face falling. "And I grew up," she added, morosely. "Anyway, Haku is a much better boyfriend. Now, get yourselves bathed and dressed properly as soon as possible…"

* * *

Naruto fought the impulse to slouch in his chair, to fidget and squirm. He hated these meetings for the most part, second only to paperwork as the bane of any leader. Still, they were a necessary evil, and it helped that many of those present were good friends of his from East and West. Which of course led to many accusations of nepotism, but then again, Molt Sol Augustus was equally guilty of such a thing. His exile from Konoha had helped him gain his full potential, and he had his friends and allies to thank for that, the ones who stood by him in public or in secret.

Flanking Naruto in chairs of his own was his wife and his concubine, Empress Pina Co Lada, and Hinata Hyuuga respectively. He had been astonished at Hinata's declaration of love when he was forced to leave Konoha three years before, and her insistence that she come with him. She had been a most valuable ally, and Naruto realised she was a good friend he never truly realised he had. She had, albeit reluctantly, accepted Naruto's official marriage with Pina, though it was helped by the fact that the two girls were on good terms soon after they first met.

His chancellor was a controversial choice to many, but to Naruto, there was no contest. Count Colt Formal was the ruler of the key trading post of Italica, a man with strong sympathies towards the demi-humans who were frequently abused during the previous regime. Plus, Naruto knew that the man wasn't ambitious enough to be a stereotypical chancellor, looking to usurp the throne, and was savvy enough with politics and diplomacy to help Naruto find a peaceful solution, something the still hotheaded blonde appreciated.

Of course, if war was ever needed, then his Minister of Defence, Cicero, would step up to the plate. Cicero was a war hawk, it was true, but he was also considered in his responses, a pragmatist, and a veteran of many a conflict. He took some getting used to with his conservative values, but once Naruto made it clear he preferred blunt honesty and pragmatism, Cicero was won over.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs, combining both diplomacy and espionage, was none other than his old teacher, Kakashi Hatake. When Naruto had been banished, Kakashi had given those responsible an ultimatum: either the exile would be rescinded, or he would go into exile with Naruto. He was told bluntly by the likes of the Council that if he did the latter, he would be considered a traitor, and was needed to teach Sasuke. Kakashi shrugged, and left with Naruto. Interestingly, the lazy Copycat Ninja had thrived here, and was now the consort of Queen Tyuule of the Bunny Warriors. He'd even stopped wearing that damned mask, and Naruto could see why he kept wearing it: Kakashi was, scars aside, practically a _bishounen_!

The Minister of Health was another surprising addition. Then again, Sakura Haruno had been at Sasuke's bedside when he woke up…and when she tried to comfort him, he attacked her in a rage, insulting her and abusing her. Sakura, when she heard of Naruto's exile, and the true secret behind his power, had been horrified…and as much as she hated how the blonde had pestered her for dates, she still considered herself his friend. After discussing it with her parents…she and the Harunos left for the West. Her father Kizashi had sacrificed himself to save his daughter during a skirmish with ROOT ANBU sent to retrieve them. Thanks to scrolls left to her by Tsunade, Sakura was one of the best medical shinobis in the world, and certainly one of the youngest. She was helped by her boyfriend, Haku Yuki, who, along with Zabuza, had faked his death and fled from Kiri's Hunter Ninja to the West.

The Minister of Magic and Research was famed mage Cato El Altestan, assisted by his protégé, Lelei La Lelena. A veritable genius, the latter was a stoic prodigy who had fought by Naruto's side, and had lapped up the knowledge of science that the exiled shinobi had brought with them, Sakura being a prominent teacher in particular. Despite her youth, she took her job very seriously. Cato, meanwhile, while something of a pervert not unlike the treacherous Jiraiya, was nonetheless a knowledgeable man who didn't fear making his opinions known.

The Minister of Internal Affairs was Hodor Rei Marceau, an Elf and one of Naruto's greatest allies, alongside his daughter, Tuka Luna Marceau. A blonde-haired man with handsome features and pointed ears, he was a calm and compassionate man. His daughter was in a relationship with another from the West, the former Taki _jinchuriki_ Fuu, and led a group of rangers that patrolled the forest areas where they lived.

There were other various ministers and officials, but the only other person of any real note was someone who was there unofficially. She looked like a girl in her early teens at the oldest, with dark hair, dark red eyes, and dressed in a frilly black dress with a short hemline. A dark frilly bow gave the air of cat ears, and indeed, the girl had a rather casual, feline air. A massive halberd, which should have been impossible for the girl to wield with her slender frame, leaned against the table, even as she put her own feet up on them. This, then, was Rory Mercury, the Apostle of Emroy. Despite her apparent youth, she was over nine centuries old.

"…But which of the Tailed Beasts they intend to target is unknown," Kakashi was saying, looking at his papers. A simple eyepatch gave him the air of a particularly rakish-looking pirate. "Of the _jinchuriki_ they can target, on first glance, Yugito Nii and Killer B of Kumo, along with Utakata of Kiri are perhaps the most vulnerable. Iwa are keeping a close eye on Han and Roshi, Gaara is the Kazekage, the _Sanbi_ is yet to be sighted after Yagura's death, and we have two of the _jinchuriki_ here. However, we at least know most if not all of their current members. You've met Itachi and Kisame, of course, Naruto."

Naruto nodded, looking down his list. "Sasori of the Red Sands, an infamous puppeteer from Suna. Deidara, the Mad Bomber Artist of Iwa. Kakuzu, the Miser of Taki. Hidan, the Jashin Fanatic. Rumours of a plant-like man. The masked fool Tobi. An angel of mercy, Konan. And finally, Pain, rumoured to have a _doujutsu_."

"Sounds like a lovely bunch," Rory remarked, before smirking. "Still, I'd love to test their strength."

"Of course you would, you battle maniac," Naruto muttered. "Still, ensure that any Bingo Books we have imported from the East are distributed to all border forces and patrols ASAP. Emphasis on any known members of the Akatsuki or Oto. Also, be especially careful of Konoha forces sneaking in. We have that delegation from Konoha coming soon."

He sighed. Three years ago, at the age of fourteen, Tsunade had been forced to exile him. He was surprised at how many people followed him, at what Tsunade had told him, about the machinations of Jiraiya and the Third Hokage. Now, here he was, Emperor of an entire empire. And yet, the past had a bad habit of catching up with him. As it seemed to be doing right now…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Naruto's the Emperor of the Saderan Empire. Unfortunately, the past has come back to haunt him…**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


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